Bad bad bad

(Insert crap here that I deleted - it involves those closest to me, power games, nastyness etc) Of course it is ALL my fault as per usual.

... and I am going into the "starve" mood ... wish us luck and hopefully we all survive at the end of this "STUPID HATE IT" holiday season.

I am down but not skeletal yet HA! Perhaps by next week if the dark mood continues.
Hugs to you all ...
O30T

The struggle

The struggle continues ... down to 43kg's then back up to 44.5kg's ... I guess you could say I am stable and probably at a reasonably healthy weight right?

BUT ... it's not good enough for me. I don't like it.

The temptation to just NOT eat is so fierce. If I just DON'T eat then there is little to worry about hey?

Because I simply cannot be trusted around food ... I just don't have the will power any more.

I hate food, I hate eating, I hate shopping, I hate my inability to control myself.

*sigh*

Strange things

I am not sure why I am STILL struggling to get under 44kg's (96.8 pounds) ... I just drop down under it and then voops I am back up a day or two later.

I know it is my inability to control myself and my appetite and cravings.

I am so seriously struggling some times I feel totally deflated. I think back to how "easy" it was to drop down earlier this year to 88 pounds and wonder how the heck I did it now.

I also wonder what on earth possessed me to pick up as much weight as I have. If I could just have managed to maintain at 42kg's, I would not be feeling like this.

I think a lot has to do with my emotions at the moment ... I am in a happy space, very content. My severe weight loss was due to going through a stressful and emotional time. Now that all is calm my eating habits are just down right out of control.

I find the control for a day or two and then it slips from my grasp.

Again I am having very little time for exercise which I don't think is helping matters much.

Hungry

Oi ... this week has been terrible ... the week-end obviously messed me up terribly.

I am back up to 44.2kg's and feeling horrid again. I NEED to get back down to under 43 by next week Wednesday so it is back to fruit & salads and a strict routine.

I HAVE to get back down under 42 by the end of November. I hate how I feel at the moment, it feels like I am wearing an extra layer of clothing all the time, even when I am nekkid.

So the resolve and strength starts again. I have not been meditating or exercising as much as I should and I have not managed my yoga since last week. I have been really busy with work and just not getting my head around actual work.

I feel like I have a brick in my stomach again as I have been eating biscuits and chocolate for the past few days *sigh*

Well that's over now ... I need to get the brick out of my tummy :)

The week-end

I was looking at photo's of me back in May at around 41 kg's ... I have to agree with my husband, I was really looking a bit too thin. I do feel 42kg's however was perfect so my aim is to get to around 42 with the scope to move between 42-43kg's. I think that is a reasonable weight, thin but not over the top too thin.

This w/end was a disaster!!!

Lunch out on Sunday was not too bad ... we all had the chili-chocolate pot which is essentially about 50g Chocolate syrup (like Herchies) with a bit of espresso & chilli's added. All in all not over the top in calories. However even though I had a Greek salad starter & muscles/squid in tomato sauce there was a lot of olive oil added to every thing. BUT it was not a bad day over all.

HOWEVER on the Saturday I went to a wake ... that was a total disaster, platters of yummy food *great big sigh* and I could not resist!!! The chocolate cheese cake was just incredible. I left feeling totally stuffed.

The scale was not a pretty sight yesterday or for that matter today. I am back over 43.

We went out for lunch today and I was pretty good - no dessert ahhhh my self control was impressive.

I am finding though that things are going quite well these past two weeks back on CRON. Yes, a few cringe worthy days, but all in all not bad. I am quite proud of myself and I am sure if I keep up the healthy eating & exercise I should get back under 43 again by the end of the week and down closer to 42 by mid November.

Shopping

I went shopping yesterday for T-shirts ... I got some really nice tight fitting ones, all Organic cotton and really comfortable.

Our spring as usual is windy and not exactly warm but I don't really have any T-shirts that fit me and they look so good with my skinny jeans so hopefully I will soon be able to wear them with out jumpers over.

My weight is looking good and I am feeling incredibly positive at 42.8kg's / 94.2pounds this morning ... I am looking forward to seeing 42kg's again though. And there it will stop ... I don't really want to go below 42 again. People start to complain (rolls eyes).

We have lunch tomorrow with family at a greek restuarant so this should be a good test of my will power ... can I say no to dessert?

I hope so, I am feeling so good and 42 is just in my grasp again after 2 weeks of good eating, there is no point in ruining it now.

One step at a time

Things are still up and down really but getting much better.

I am down to 43kg's / 94.6 pounds which I think is a good slow weight loss over all and considering there have been a few stumblers for me.

What I am most happy about is that I am back to 3 meals a day and keeping it pretty healthy. For the first time in months we went out for lunch yesterday and I had the will power to say no to dessert.

My body is looking good again and I am starting to feel comfortable in my skin.

My husband has asked me not to drop below 42kg's / 92.4 pounds so I guess technically speaking I only have 1kg to loose.

The problem I find is then maintaining ... I usually drop below and then struggle to get back up. It becomes a roller coaster ride of not finding a balance.

Here is hoping I can find a balance to maintain at 42 ... when I get there of course LOL.

Going ... going .... (waiting for the gone!)

Well blow me down with a feather, I am 42.6 kg's this morning.

Just a few days back on CRON and such a quick weight loss?

Such a struggle for 3 months to get my eating back under control and my body kindly rewards me for my healthy eating and exercise regime again by rewarding me on the scale.

OK I do know this is simply just a "trick" because you cannot possibly loose fat so quickly. I know that I need to continue this for a good few weeks before we get back to my clothes fitting better again.

Which brings me to the quick fix fast diets that do the rounds usually in Spring / early summer. Most people loose a few pounds with a healthy or some times not so healthy diet and then think *whoot* I can go back to eating just the way I did.

And what happens? Voila in just a few short days / weeks they pick it all back up again. That is simply because the scale has a way of tricking you into thinking that you lost the weight when actually all you lost was a bit of water and some times muscle mass. So to actually LOOSE weight permanently one really needs to eat healthy, have a variety of foods and up your exercise permanently! However once you are a little under your Goal Weight you can start to add more calorie higher foods like cheese or bread to the low calorie diet, to ease your body back into a higher calorie but still keeping the healthy habits.

I have to admit though I am not terribly good about this ... I tend towards the all or nothing so either its healthy low cal or way too much of the other stuff. Though I must say I do still try to at least have my wonderful organically grown vegetables from my garden at least twice per day (even when I am binge eating).

*sigh* oh well let's see how it goes I am feeling pretty positive and far more in control again. Even though this weight loss was over my period ... I do still feel a bit bloated and it's taking a while still to get my energy levels back up.

Anyhow ... happy spring to me! My body rocks, I am grateful that it has given me this little boost of self confidence to get me started back on CRON and healthy eating.

Creeping up on me

Not sure if any one actually reads here but ANYHOOOO here is an update and long in the coming.

My out of control eating habits have eventually caught up with me *sigh* and I have started CRON more stringently and have made promises to myself to keep up with it this time around. No off days, no well perhaps tomorrow days, every day is a CRON day!

Considering the copious amounts of food and calories I have been consuming I have 2-3 kg's (4.4 - 6.6pounds) to loose to get back to the point where I feel comfortable again in my own skin. Right now I feel like a tub-o-lard. I can simply not even imagine that I EVER weighed 5-7 kg's (11 - 15.4 pounds) more than I currently weigh OMG that is just shocking.

So *gulp* as of this morning I weigh in at 44.2 kg's (97.2 pounds). Howly crap how did that happen? I am almost back where I started in March.

This is definitely not water weight or "one of those days" because the new clothes I bought for my new body are now fairly tight on me ... so this is FAT .... not muscle because I have NOT been exercising this is simply put 2.5kg's (5 pounds) of FAT and it needs to go.

The Vicious cycle

The cycles that our body plays on us I have found is determined by weather. Warm weather means your body almost craves low fat, low sugar foods ... cold weather means your body craves high calorie "comfort" food. The cycle of summer and winter and the cycle of lean and *cough* padded. It is the body's natural rhythm of things, the way the body keeps it's self warm and "hibernates" ... we are less active on cold days and the body stores food during this cycle.

When the weather warms up it is time to be active, hunt and gather, the body needs to go into the lean and muscular phase where it is fit and strong.

Breaking the cycle of hibernation is a hard one ... we as humans have evolved into a rather lazy creature that has every thing on hand ... we no longer hunt and gather, we whip out a credit card and shop on line. We no longer use our bodies for the purpose intended, we use machines to mass produce our goods. We no longer sustain farm and we no long have a need to ride horses or run for miles to meet basic needs. For this we have developed into some thing our minds don't understand.

Many of us wish to be thin ... yet the cycle of hibernation can never be broken. We are simply too lazy to even walk down to the local shop.

If we listen to our bodies ... really listen to what it tells us and discipline it when it gets a little crazy, have the self discipline and ability to say "NO" occasionally, try to use our bodies in a more active way, we could all be turning the table on the fat cycle.

The wobbely CRON

I have to admit that I wobble when it comes to CRON ... I don't think it is at all possible to stick to such a stringent eating plan ones entire life. So as a compromise I have given myself permission to eat "bad" over week ends and "healthy" during the week.

I have always kind of stuck to this theory, my entire life and it seems to have worked out quite well for me.

My weight still hovers around the 42.8 - 43.5kg (94.2 - 95.7 pounds) mark. I would like to get back below 42kg's (92 pounds) but to be honest hubby LOVES my body the way it is now ... I have BOOBS!!! HA!

I have always found though that once summer comes along I naturally drop a kg or two so it will be interesting to see what happens this year with my lower weight. I have also found a correlation between the craving for chocolate and cold weather. My will power simply fades as soon as it starts raining LOL. I think the main thing is just keeping a check on my weight and simply just NOT letting it get above say 43.5kg's which I seem to have been pretty successful at doing this winter.

Funny enough though as soon as the sun comes out I crave exercise, fruit and salad! Bring on summer please ...

Zighausted

I am working too hard ... that's about all I can say.

Weight as of this morning 42.8kg's (94.2 pounds) ... I am trying to stick to a healthy CRON diet.

I fell over the other day and ate an entire cake ... the entire THING ... shocking, also I had a few glasses of wine. A few too many glasses of wine on a few too many days.

Some times this "thin thing" can be a little annoying but with all my "badness" my poor body has seemed to cope ... god bless it's little cotton socks. However I can certainly feel when I have been eating badly and when I get back to healthy eating again, goodness what a difference.

I have just assisted a friend by drawing up a calendar & eating plan for a month. I hope it works for her but I don't know if she has the discipline ... so I tried to make it into a bit of a competition with her ... she is rather competitive. I just don't know how much of a competition it is when she has 20kg's (44 pounds) to loose and I only have 2kg's (4.4 pounds) ... hmmmm

OK ... back to work I go.

Breaking the habbit

I am day 3 into the "back to CRON" seriously. I have already parted company with 1 pound ... obviously water weight but still I am already feeling so much better. Again my night sweating has totally stopped, I feel lighter and have more energy.

Chocolate and I have parted company, I think this has been my biggest issue quite frankly, I became a chocoholic over the past weeks. Breaking this habit has been harder than giving up alcohol LOL. I am being strong, I know only 3 days but I have the will power ... well at least I think I do hahaha! The motivation right now is not waking up with drenched bed sheets and of course that feeling of funk that comes in it's wake. I have not really had a craving for chocolate yet.

I still have "issues" surrounding food. I have no problem not eating but once I start I simply cannot stop. I think this has to be addressed and I have no idea why this huge appetite / compulsive "over eating" is an issue. Again this is another cause of the night sweating and feeling of lethargy. Once I go into huge amounts of calories during the day my body tries to cope by over heating at night.

Right now I am feeling a lot better 42.8kg's (94.2 pounds) and counting down. I think I could nail it back to 41kg's (90 pounds) in 4 weeks ... then I start all over again trying to find a balance to maintain.

Ohhhhh so thats why

That time of the month arrived ... it always comes as a bit of a surprise, as I am so irregular and don't use contraceptives.

Again this is a very good reason for the weight gain, a little water retention, chocolate cravings and a general feeling of funk HA! So although I have been pretty good keeping my calories around 1500 my weight has remained stubbornly at 43.2kgs (95pounds). I think it should go much better after as I usually loose my gigantic appetite and cravings.

So I guess technically the diet starts on Monday ... well the serious "I have to get rid of the flab". I hope too that I will get more exercise in. I really really want to turn the flab back into muscle. So far I have managed a fair amount of Tennis on the Wii so that has been good. I really want to start walking again in the mornings. Although the weather has been pretty good the flu is threatening a re-run. I have been taking my multi-vits, drinking loads of water and I got some extra sleep this morning. I usually sleep 6 hours a night but managed 8 which I think my body really needed.

It astounds me how quickly ones body can loose it's shape with out working on it constantly. Just a tiny little break and I feel like crap!

Back to CRON

After a very busy and very food filled week end I started the week at 43.8kg's (96.4pounds) ... shocking I know, this is almost the weight I was when I started this blog 4 months ago. I have been doing a higher calorie CRON (around 1500 calories) since Monday and today I am down to 43.2kgh's (95 pounds). It seems the past two months of not doing CRON have really caught up with me and I have obviously been eating in the 3000 calorie per day region and with no exercise, I am going to have to work pretty damn hard over the next few weeks to drop these 2kg's and get back to my "happy" weight of 41kg's (90 pounds).

Next week I will lower my calorie intake to around 1000 as I don't want to shock my body too drastically this week after such a high intake. I am working on around a loss of 1.5-2 kg's over the next 4-6 weeks. That works out to around 500grams (1 pound) per week. This time line is really dependant on how the "fat" I have gained has been stored. It took me 2 months to get back up to this weight so my body has gradually been storing excess fat. I also hope to start working out again, to try to turn some of this fat back into muscle. My exercise regime has really fallen flat and I can see my muscle deterioration.

The thing is if I don't start working on it NOW I will have a whole lot more weight to loose down the line. This is really the only way to STAY thin ... keeping a check on ones weight and taking action before it becomes impossible to budge.

Oh dear

Howly heck I got on the scale this morning and I am up to 43kg's (94.6 pounds) ... I near fell over with fright. I have not been this high in weight for months and I can certainly feel it.

It has been really miserable weather this side with storm after storm being pushed in by cold fronts. It has been raining incessantly and really cold. So I blame the weather for my weight gain ... hmmmm hot chocolate, hmmmm nice warm buttery bread, hmmmmm chocolate, hmmmmm fried chicken, hmmmmm nice warm cuddly blanky, I don't want to exercise ... see what I mean?

So after gosh it has been like 2 months or some thing since I really worked on my body or CRON. I was just coasting, just doing enough but obviously NOT enough! I think it is high time I took back my control and got my mind back into shape. I can see the flab creeping up on me! If I don't take action now I could end up looking like a blimp in a few months and then it will be summer.

Happy Hubby

This morning I weighed myself and I am 42 (92.4 pounds) ... which is normal for a week end ... I have also not really been too careful with the restricting or anything like that. Anyhow Hubby was in our change room when I weighed myself and exclaimed that 42 was a good weight for me and that I look really good now. So even though I am pretty much still at my "new" normal weight my body has obviously settled into it well. I do still keep a watch on it and like to make sure that I stick to 42 on week ends and drop back down to around 41 (90.2) during the week. It is also possible that as it is winter and we are doing less exercise that the muscle has slowly turned into fat so although I weigh the same I look "fatter" LOL. I cannot wait for summer!

On some thing completely different, we have a huge hole in our roof and it is pouring with rain. We had a storm last night/early morning and our chimney fell over hahahaha. So today will be spent emptying buckets and changing towels ... what a lovely lazy Sunday.

Things I have learned from CRON

1. Learn to "know what to eat" figure out what foods have lower calories and eat bulk rather than energy. Drink water rather than eat ... keep your vitamins & minerals up but keep your calories lower. Try to keep a balance between Protein, Carbs & fat.
2.. What you put in needs to be "gotten rid of" HOWEVER you need to put "in" to feel motivated to "put out". What I mean by this is that I have learned that you actually need to eat to feel energetic. Feeling energetic makes you more active, you are more active so you burn more calories so you loose weight. Eating lower calorie for a while is great, it actually gives you more energy but at some point you need to start giving back to your body as you build more muscle (by being more active) your body uses more calories to "maintain" itself.
3. When you get your "energy boost" go with it and actually "get more active" ... you WILL build lean muscle which you need to burn off calories. When you are more active you think less about food and have less time to eat so you loose weight.
4. Your weight WILL fluctuate by around 2kg's ... mine fluctuates between 40.5-43kg's ... get used to it. On the days that you are at your "high" weight cut back slightly, you will more than likely be in the "high energy phase", but keep up your activity. Your weight will de-crease and you will go into a lower energy level ... this is my low weight moment and I feed my body up again but try to maintain my energy level ... this means I continuously build muscle which means that my body requires more food to "maintain" my weights.
5. There are times that at 40kg's I have needed to eat up to 3000 calories per day just to start a bit of an energy build up again. You can then start to utilise this drop, gain, drop lower to eventually get to your goal while slowly building up your calorie intake to points where most people sit "gob smacked" that I eat so much at such a low weight.
6. Most people now think that I only eat in front of them ... not really true but yes in some ways. When I am NOT around people I don't really feel motivated to eat any more, I don’t have time, I have too much energy and actually have way too many things on the go as I have built up the energy now to do so much more with the "fuel" I am having to put in to maintain my energy levels. Some thing I have noticed often when one tries to loose weight too fast ones body literally shuts down and all you want to do is sleep. By doing things this way around one builds up energy levels. I have less time to sleep as I have so much energy I have become hyperactive.
7. I now work on daily weight VS how active I have been. So basically if my weight drops too much I literally have to force myself and take time out of my now incredibly busy life to think about food and eat for a few days. I have gotten so used to eating low cal that I slip into automatically it as it is just so much easier and faster to prepare a salad than cook an entire meal.
8. Most of the time I have to now eat higher calorie food to try to increase my calories to enable me to keep up my energy levels. I DO however try my best to keep every thing balanced and only resort to high calorie items once per day as a treat for working hard.
9. As always my weight after a week end is higher (around 42-43kg's) than at the end of the week(40-42kg's). I seem to have gotten into the routine of high energy during the week matched with lower calorie food but on week ends I seem to eat a little more and thus pick up.
10. Stress is an absolute killer of fat ... the more energy I have the more I have taken on the more stressed I am, the less I sleep, the more hours in the day the more I can take on ... the cycle of fat burning is incredible.

Much better

Yop I am feeling better, still have the tail end of a cough but it's pretty much over.

Well the weight is still holding firm at 41.5kg's ... and I am still eating like a horse. Most people sit there slack jawed as I shovel in seconds on main and then dessert and usually a second helping of dessert too. Not sure why this is that I can eat so much and yet still hold my weight. I guess even when I am not doing CRON I still in a way do it by eating loads of fruit & veg most of the time ... so I am now so used to eating huge amounts that when I eat "normal" food, one small bowl just doesn't do it for me. I guess I should watch that LOL but by keeping an eye on my weight I can tell when I have had a bit too much and then it is back to the fruit & veg for a day or two, seems to work.

A lot of people have commented that I am looking a whole lot more healthy ... I think it took my body a while to settle into the lower weight.

I have started on a vegetable garden WHOOO HOOO! I am rather excited about producing my own organic veggies and will keep you all updated on how it progresses. I have noticed a lot of the CRON people end up planting their own vegetables eventually and it seems this was the natural progress. I am truly excited about this. No more wasted food in my fridge that the rabbit ends up getting.

I am also very keen to get a worm farm and will let you know how that goes.

Sick

It was inevitable that the winter flu would eventually catch up with me.

I was in bed Sunday & Monday but up on Tuesday. I think I got out of bed a little too soon as this flu has had the majority of people flat on their backs for a week at a time and others are still suffering a month down the line. I still have the remnants of a cough and I feel very fuzzy headed with minimal energy. I just feel like sleeping but I am up and about and getting on with things.

Eating has been OK ... I have been holding my weight now for quite a while and am pretty happy with that. However with this incessant cold and rain that we have been having I have to admit I have been eating a lot more while doing minimal exercise (damn flu & rain). I have been hovering at the 41.5kg (91.3 pounds) which I think is OK ... I prefer to be just under 41 but I think I will leave it now until spring as it is just far too cold to be such a low weight. My clothes all fit nicely at this weight. I have been struggling with cravings for Chocolate for some reason. I have never really been a huge chocolate person but have found it increasingly hard to resist grabbing a slab every time I go shopping.

Today is an absolutely beautiful day though with clear skies albeit still bloody cold, the first with out rain for almost 2 weeks. I just hope it holds for a few days. I have so much washing to get dry I cannot see the spare bed.

My body

Once upon a very long long time ago I used to religiously participate in HNT (half nekkid thursday). It was an absolute highlight of my week. Planning the pics, setting it up, getting the right lighting, editing and then going to check out every one elses contributions. HNT is very empowering, it gives one affirmation and confidence... I miss it a bit.

A little while ago I sent OS (who I have always remained in contact with over the years "Hi OS!" - such a teddy bear of a man *hugs*) some pics of my progress and what do you know he put one up on the hnt annon site - it is not the first time I have appeared there - always the most modest and covered up of the bunch LOL ... BUT what really blew my mind was a comment by a fellow blogger. It is the first comment - if you can figure out which pic is mine :). Wow it has been a while since I got such a nice comment on my body. So if that person wanders in here ... thank you, you have no idea how much I needed that comment!

Funny thing is last night hubby & I watched the Matrix (first one) again. I have for ever lusted over Carrie-Anne Moss's body and I made mention of this yesterday to Hubby when we were doing our morning walk. Last night he actually said I had a very similar body now to hers, and he said it in a good way. I think perhaps for the first time he could compare my body to a woman that he too finds very attractive, it seemed to shift his perspective.

I have settled in to my weight and feeling really good about it, absolutely fantastic and I can tell you just these two comments have given me so much positive energy I am almost tingling!

Fabulous

I am feeling absolutely fabulous ... full of energy, creativity and literally glowing.

I cannot believe the difference I am feeling. I would put this down to being back on CRON again. A week ago I was depressed, moody and practically climbing down into a deep dark pit. Of course my period must have had some influence on it but still.

I have been pretty good with CRON but specifically getting my balances right again. I feel on top of the world, even after a pretty high calorie week end. I feel like I am back in my own body again. Even though still holding at 42kg's it is a much lighter leaner feeling 42. I don't quite know how to explain that.

Funny enough a friend of mine came round. She has been on at me about how skinny I am. We got her onto the Wii and she did her BMI ... her's and mine are pretty much the same. Well that just shut every one up LOL. My feelings on this is that I am a lean muscular build and even though she goes to gym a lot I obviously have a far lower body fat %, thus weigh heavier than I look (muscle is heavier than fat). Was very interesting. I also seem to be able to eat a whole lot more than her ... but then again I have swapped eating calories for drinking them through alcohol. I think another reason for this is that I burn up a lot more calories due to my heavier muscle mass. Personally I prefer the way my body is and I like listening to it. It seems to know what it needs ... though the past few weeks have certainly been a bit of a roller coaster. Chocolate, Ice Cream, Cookies, hmmmmm I think it got a bit confused.

Keeping it real

So I have been keeping it around 1000 - 1500 cal per day for the past few days. Trying to keep my balance between protein, carb & good fat ... seems to have worked.

Firstly my period arrived so probably a really good reason for the "blues" that have been affecting me for a week or so.

Secondly the constant better eating has definitely improved things ... I feel so much lighter, the sweating at night has stopped and I just feel healthier, with out any weight loss though which is important. I feel energised again, shew it amazes me how bad eating can affect one. The other thing is how much better hubby & I are actually getting along now that I am feeling so much better.

Anyhow on some thing completely different ... I sit here with a glass of champers and orange juice in front of me. This morning we went on an hours private jet flight, wow ... all I can say is wow. So this is how the rich and famous feel huh? It was like sitting on cloud 9 ... hubby & I were the only passengers in a US$17 mil plane. We felt like royalty ... what an experience.

As I have mentioned before I no longer drink but sorrrrrrry this deserves a little glass of bubbly to celebrate!

Bad space

I have not been in the best head space recently.

I am not so sure why, life I guess. Things are rather depressing, finances suck and I just feel like I am in a bit of a hole quite frankly. Hubby is also not in the best of moods lately so I guess that has affected me. However I am trying to pull myself right again. I try my hardest not to show my emotions so that hubby does not have me to worry about as well ... that upsets him.

I have not been eating terribly healthy .... it has been weeks now that I have not exactly been doing CRON. I am eating quite high calorie and I would really like to get back to a lower cal intake. I miss it and the effects on my body health wise have not been great. I have less energy, I sweat terribly at night and I just don't feel good. Weight gain has not really been a factor but I don't really like being this weight ... I feel really heavy and bloated at 42kg's (92.4 pounds). I simply think that it has mostly to do with the high calories and lower nutrition diet. I am going to try this week to keep under 1000 cal per day, I am pretty sure by the end of the week I will be feeling SO much better! That and the fact that I have re-done our house hold budget and have pretty much cut every thing, by August we should be able to survive the month again.

Best cookies in the world

No I am not going to share the recipe for a change ....

I am still busy perfecting the recipe but I can tell you these happen to be the best cookies in the world. They are a ginger & oats type cookie and what inspired me to try my hand at cookie making is the incredible increase in food costs, my husband is addicted to these cookies from our local food store but the price made them a luxury item. Recently I have been faced with having to cut down on general home spendature and well luxury items are one of the things that needed cutting, hence also my hand at making my own yogurt the outcome of which I will get to a little further down.

Of course being ever calorie conscious I managed to cut the calories against the original by 113 per 100 grams and am looking at ways to bring the calories down even further while increasing their nutritional content. Right now I have the basic recipe and am looking for ways to improve on them. As such they are VERY yummy but I am sure there is room for improvement. In my humble opinion I have also improved on taste ... they are crispy yet still soft ... a texture I am yet to have ever found in a store bought cookie. I think my husband will approve because although he likes the crunchy type one that I buy, he likes to wait a few days of the packet being open until they are chewy. Of course the ones I made were hand rolled individually so they are not a uniform flatness, I think I should try rolling the dough out with a pin and then cutting them to see what a difference this makes. Progress will of course be blogged about as I still have two rounds of dough to make 9 cookies each, left in the fridge.

Now onto my yogurt ... hmmmm not quite the turn out I had hoped for on my first try but not bad considering. Firstly I do believe that I need for the yogurt to stay in the warmth a bit longer, I left mine in for around 8 hours and it is the consistency of drinking yogurt as well as having quite a mild flavour. Very yummy drinking yogurt but all the same not nice and thick like I had hoped, so I hope a longer time will thicken it up a little. I used fat free milk as well as fat free yogurt to start with so perhaps this has some thing to do with it, I did not add any powder milks or thickeners and I may just try some soy milk powder next time around to add protein as well as possibly thicken it up a bit. My cats are on anti-biotics at the moment and they seem to LOVE the stuff so they can help me finish this first batch. Again I will blog on the progress of this.

In other news my slight weight gain has my darling husband smiling, I am now up to 42kg's - 92.4 pounds = BMI is just under 17. I am not particularly happy with the way my body looks and do sincerely prefer a lower weight BUT I am not the one who has to cuddle up to me at night.

Price paid

I have been taught by my body that binging especially a 2 week long binge is not some thing it can deal with. After eating healthy and carefully for months now ... processed, junk food is most certainly not for me. My calorie intake was between 2000 - 3000 per day on mostly complete crap. My body rebelled some thing horrid.

I have pimples, my hair is lank, my skin is dry, and my tummy is in knots and totally bloated which has made me feel lethargic and really heavy.

I have not picked up much weight for it ... about 1kg = 2.2 pounds. For this weight gain I feel like crap quite frankly.

The reasons for my binging is because my hubby wanted me to gain weigh, also demanded that I stop CRON. I went into free fall. This screwed me up in more ways than one and I feel absolutely crap for it.

I don't think my hubby understands that CRON actually works for me, gives me the energy I need while keeping my body in very good physical condition even if a bit underweight. I simply cannot deal with the kinds of food he eats and I cannot cope with how my body feels when I loose control of my eating. He complained that I am constantly tired again ... WOW big revelation coming here ... he tells me to get off CRON which was working really well for me and then complains when I start binging on "bad" food which causes my body to literally shut down.

NO! I cannot do this on my own ... I do not have the control necessary to keep me on a healthy diet with out the program to assist me. It helps me make decisions as to what to eat, how much to eat and where I am missing certain things in my diet.

Lost ...

I have written here a lot of the "outside" of me ... a lot of the outside is a reflection of the inside.

I am lost ... I am lost and I am alone. I don't have much, just a body to hide inside. All my emotions, all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, all of my idea's, all of me is inside this body. All of these things are made to feel small and insignificant ...

I hope my body can reflect that.

A touch of OCD?

I have re-organised our changing room. It is a smallish bedroom next to our bathroom which has been a "mess" for a rather long time. Over the week-end I got in there and started tidying up. It stared off with my purchasing a very nice chrome shelving system actually and with that I went out and bought another two ... one of which ended up in our lounge for our TV electronics, also a bit of a "mess" for a rather long time.

The problem is once I get into this mood of sorting and tidying I get this itch to tidy, organise and clean every single room. I lie in bed at night "cleaning, organising and tidying rooms" which results in little sleep until the room is done to my satisfaction.... I have had little sleep in the past few days.

I also absolutely LOVE doing the dishes these days ... no idea where this comes from as my best friend in the kitchen has always been my little dishwasher.

Back to routine

It seems my binging is now over and I am back into my routine. After over 3000 calories yesterday (we were out to lunch with family) I simply am not even hungry today. I forced down fruit & yogurt. My binging and period *time* seem to coincide, wow what an epiphany Ha!

Our local health shop is having issues with their yogurt supplier so I have been looking into making yogurt myself. I am just finishing up some yogurt that I had to buy from the supermarket and then I am going to try my hand at making my own ... I like this recipe:

This is a basic recipe for homemade yogurt using commercial full fat milk.
INGREDIENTS:
1 quart of full fat sheep or cow's milk (pasteurized)
2 tablespoons of previously homemade yogurt or plain unflavored yogurt at room temperature
2 tablespoons of full fat milk (same type) at room temperature
PREPARATION:
Heat the milk just to the boiling point and pour into a non-metal container.
Let cool to lukewarm (100-105F). A skin will form on top.
Mix the 2 tablespoons of yogurt (homemade or commercial) with 2 tablespoons of milk.
Add to the lukewarm mixture, carefully pouring down the side so that any skin that may have formed on top is not disturbed.
Cover with a clean dishtowel and place on another towel in a warm, dry place for at least 8 hours (or overnight) until it thickens.
Note: 8 to 12 hours is best.

I will probably try it with fat free milk and see how it comes out. All yogurt recipe's are pretty much the same. The only thing I found different was if using fat free milk then the addition of fat free powder milk is a good idea, also makes the yogurt thicker in the end. I would need to take a look and see what the difference in calories would really make should the addition of powder milk be done. Perhaps lower fat but higher protein?

Chicken bake

My new favorite meal at the moment ....

200 g Large brown mushrooms sliced into large chunks
30g Onion chopped
50g Cooked Chicken breast shredded
100g Tined tomato
70g Low calorie cheese sauce
2 g Cayenne pepper.

Pre-heat oven to 180 C or 360 F. In an oven proof bowl layer the ingredients in order as above.
Cook for 15 minutes. Ensure the cheese sauce grills slightly.

Calories: 150 (11g protein, 17g carb & 5g fat)

My binging has started to catch up to me ... WOW, I am up to 42kg's this morning. I will have to make amends and get back down a bit. I don't like being this high, I cannot let things slide.

Binging

I have been on an almost week long binge. Reason for it is that I dipped down under 88 pounds / 40kg's and it really gave me a bit of a shock, I really do not need to be at such a low weight. I would like to stay above 89 pounds / 40.5kg's. My week long binge has resulted in me getting to 91.3 pounds / 41.5kg's and that's ok ... I can cope with that. I assume it is around time for my period and hence the binging has set in, my body is like that.

Today has been good though and I have been trying to get back onto the healthy CRON eating way again. I don't like how the binging and un-healthy eating has affected my energy levels. I have been sleeping a whole lot more, up to 10 hours per day, usually I only sleep around 7-8 hours. I need to settle down and rather eat more calories through good food with higher nutrients. I guess we all fall off the band wagon some times and I think I needed this week to prove to myself how my un-healthy eating is really not so good for me.

Hubby & I met up with some friends yesterday while out to lunch. They are a gay couple and they both agreed that I am looking really good and healthy. I think their "approval" of my lower weight has made Hubby feel more comfortable. I did however have three frozen margarita's ... alcohol that I have had really very little of in gosh a LONG time. I had to come home and sleep it off.

I am off to go do some Yoga on the Wii...

Time

Good grief where does the time go??? I look around and an entire week has disappeared.

These past few days have simply been unbelievably hectic and I am glad they are over. I have been unbelievably stressed.

Stress has always been a major weight loss factor for me. I am one of those ... "I don't have time to eat" types. So I have gone slightly under my GW despite when I have eaten it has generally been really high calorie foods like lasagna, croutons, chocolate mousse, chocolate, sweets and things that as a health conscious person I really should be eating in moderation BUT the last few days it seems that is all I have had time for.

I have been tracking my calorie intake on CRON and some days it ventured as high as 3000 calories *gasp* but with the stress I seem to have burned it off at just as rapidly. I guess if I was just sitting behind a PC all day I would have gone up in weight but I have been running around like a lunatic.

Due to the time constraints I have not been getting to my Yoga or Wii and I really miss it. I hope to start again today. This brings me to a bit of a quandary that I face...

Every time I get onto the Wii it tells me "too low / underweight" my Hubby has a near fit. Now despite my extra eating I have lost a few grams so I am hesitant to step onto the Wii for fear of him having a thrombosis. Some people fear getting on a scale because they may have picked up weight ... I have this fear because my husband has made my weight into such an issue. Despite his constant negative comments about my small frame he continues to tell me I am "obsessed with food and constantly eating" ...

Wants and needs

Let us not beat around the bush here ... my husband wants me to pick up weight. He says I am too "bony".

The facts are as follows:

I weigh between 41 - 42kg's (90 - 92.4 pounds) and have been maintaining this through a healthy constantly monitored diet.
I am short at 5ft2. My BMI is around 17 which is technically "underweight" as 18 would be considered "perfect" by the Wii which is what he is. If I weighed 45kg's = 100 pounds I would be at an 18 BMI. When I weighed 45kg's my husband told me I was FAT. I have lost a mere 3kg's - that is really not very much. Quite frankly I like the way I look now as I have said a few times here.

I gave up alcohol and realised I had major issues with eating. I have worked really hard to combat my eating disorder over the past few months by working with CRON to keep myself healthy. I have worked hard at obtaining lean muscles by exercise and doing Wii. I am truly un-willing to go back to 45kg's and be called FAT again, I simply REFUSE, I think it would break me.

I am currently eating a healthy balanced diet, am able to control my calorie intake knowingly and pretty much eat what ever I want with in reason. My weight is stable now. I no longer bounce around with my starve / binge major issues I had, I actually EAT 3 meals per day now. I am now in control and I like it. I also like how my clothes fit me and how I look. Yes perhaps I am a little bony now with no more love handles and rounded curves, a little more angular and delicate looking, but when I had them love handles and "flabby" thighs 3kg's ago and a seriously un-healthy view of food ... neither of us liked my body.

I like this body and I think I will keep it ... thank you very much!

Not knowing

I have encountered a rather interesting problem.

Normally when I go out for lunch I have to estimate what I have eaten. I have a feeling I could be over estimating the calories I consume. In some ways I guess this is a good thing if I were still trying to loose weight but now that I am trying to maintain my weight it causes issues. NOT knowing how many calories I have consumed at an away from home meal where I cannot weigh or accurately calculate means that for the rest of that day I am perhaps a little over cautious about what I am eating.

Since I gave up alcohol (where I was getting about 1000 - 2000 calories daily in a wine glass) I have been having great difficulty EATING my daily allocation of calories. Sounds strange but I literally have to force myself to eat solid food. This is technically one of the reasons why my "issues" started and I do put some blame on alcohol for my current situation. I literally have no concept of eating so much food. I would say when I was drinking I was eating very little and now that I am no longer drinking eating is almost foreign.

This eating "issue" has also been impacted by my weight loss. Now that I don't want to loose weight any more I am kind of having difficulties eating the additional calories required to maintain my weight. At the end of the day I actually have to go to the fridge to find high calorie foods to increase my daily calorie intake. Not such a bad thing, I am eating dessert almost every night but this in a way is not a great thing. I need to rather be eating larger quantities of the "good" food during the day.

I am off to the shops today to buy ingredients for a veg back that I can store in the freezer and just re-heat when I need to increase my calories for the day.

Here with the planned recipe:

200g Spinach (blanched with hot water)
200g Egg plant
50g Onion
100g Sweet pepper
100g Tin tomato
1 whole egg (80 grams)
50g Low fat Cheese sauce
50g Low fat creamed cheese
50g Low fat yogurt
10g Potato flour
30g Mozzarella cheese

Pre-heat oven to 180 deg centigrade or 360 Fahrenheit. Chop up all the veggies into smallish pieces and place in a suitable oven proof quiche type dish. Mix together the tomato, egg, cheese sauce, cream cheese, yogurt & flour (you can mix in some fresh herbs if you like) and pour over the veggies. Move the sauce in and around the veggies so that they are "covered" and sprinkle the Mozzarella over the top. Bake for 25-30 minutes. Serve hot or cold as this is almost like a quiche. Per 100 grams = 60 calories (Protein = 4g, Carb = 5g & fat = 2g).

Week-end

I had a really wonderful week end. Was very relaxed and we went on a long lazy Sunday drive yesterday. It was a beautiful warm winters day here.

Food related, we did go for lunch in a little town along our drive. I had a free range chicken salad and shared Cinnamon lemon pancakes with my hubby for desert. I was really proud of myself for not going over board and eating really high calorie foods. I think I am getting a bit better with my choices when presented with restaurant food. I tend to be really good with my main meal but then simply cannot resist the HIGH calorie rich desserts. I need to keep a check on that. The pancakes were a perfect compromise, not too high in calories and I shared with my hubby.

I am getting better with keeping my weight level too. I checked my CRON graph and for the past week or so there have not been any horrible spikes or dips. This morning I am still holding it at a good weight and after feeling so bloated on Saturday I am actually feeling really good today.

I think I could actually manage to go take some pictures to post, but don't hold me to it.

Bloated

Ewwww I feel really horrid at the moment. I think my period is on it's way, I just feel so heavy and lethargic.

I had a bit of a binge yesterday (Chocolate mouse) and with the high fat & calorie intake I feel absolutely horrid today. I really need to learn that these high fat binges just do not work for me, ha! The funny thing is that following a high calorie day I naturally swing to lower calorie days with loads of water and a bit of exercise and with in a few days I am feeling back to normal. I actually crave rawer lighter meals. I am actually very impressed that my body is naturally moved into a more healthy mode. I no longer mentally have to restrict, my body is into the grove and simply just asks for a more balanced life style.

I have upped my calorie intake and my weight has basically remained the same. I like the weight I am at presently. Even though at the moment I feel really ewww and heavy I am actually on target with goal and maintenance. I have kept my vitamins & nutrients up with a well balanced diet (Protein / Carb / Fat) ... I think perhaps I should increase my protein and bring down my fat a bit just looking at my report for the past 17 days. I need more protein to build muscle and ummm less fat to stop this lethargic heavy feeling.

Just out of interest I found this article on eating disorders: http://www.edsupport.co.za/Blame.asp
I found it very poignant ... if you know of some one suffering from an eating disorder I highly recommend you read this ... I saw a huge amount of applicable truth in what I read there.

Nintendo Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I know I have been threatening to write up about the Nintendo Wii for a while now so here goes.

It ROCKS ... I cannot possibly sing it's praises higher. I know I am a pretty active person to begin with but the arrival of the Wii in our home it took my fitness and muscle build up to a whole new level.

Hubby and I purchased the Nintendo Wii early in January this year as our Christmas present to ourselves. I don't think a day has gone by that we have not played ... thats 5 months of constant use. We got the Wii and litterally played until we fell over. I had to cancel a horse riding lesson on the Tuesday after we got it on the Saturday as I was so incredibly stiff from using muscles I had no idea existed any more. Hubby and I usually play Golf and Tennis together. My darling Hubby actually had to give me lessons in Golf to enable me to "play" acuratly. If you do not hit the ball correctly, with the correct golf swing, you do not have enough control. We recently bought a second remote so we could play tennis against each other. I like to do the practice sessions of tennis and boxing to build up muscle and burn calories.

Then two weeks ago Hubby bought me the Wii "Fit" for my birthday ... I think it was love at first step onto the balance board. Although due to the tattoo I have not been able to "play" as much as I would like I have managed to unlock a number of the games and have clocked up a good few hours already.

So here is a run down of how I feel the Wii has improved my body:

Sport Golf: Works my stomach muscles, legs and arms, improves stamina/fitness in general. It is a great warm up for more strenuous exercises.

Sport Tennis: Arms, legs & stomach muscles, burns calories. Definitely warm up first we have both pulled muscles playing tennis.

Sport Boxing: Burns calories, arms & stomach muscles. Brilliant for de-stressing.

Sport Bowling & Batting: Although we do not play with these often they are great for balance and get you up and burning calories.

Fit Yoga: I LOVE the yoga, it is fantastic and I can really feel my muscles working, not high calorie burner but definitely improves muscle tone.

Fit Strength: I also really enjoy this and can feel my muscles working, definitely burns up calories.

Fit Balance: All the games are fun but my favorite are the Skiing & Snow boarding exercises. Improves balance and strengthens muscles.

Fit Aerobic: I love the step classes as well as the hula hoop, they are a load of fun and you burn calories while building leg strength and with the hula hoop stomach muscle & leg build up.

Well that pretty much rounds that up and I highly recommend the Wii to get you off the couch to burn calories and build up muscle. An absolute fitness revolution for the whole family. Combine with a good healthy low fat, low calorie diet and fat will melt off ya.

Where the wind blows

I am not quite sure how to put this the right way with out sounding arrogant ...

I LOVE the way I look now, I love my body, I feel good ... I just wish my hubby would see this / understand this. I feel dainty and petite and delicate then there is the other side ... I feel energetic, fit, healthy, muscular and strong. I understand that his dislike for my thinner body is fuel in concern for my health, but seriously I have never been healthier.

Yes, this weight loss was started by him telling me I was fat, it was a gut reaction to a long history of my eating disorder BUT I over came that, found a healthy way to loose the weight, have done so over a few months by eating well and exercising. I have not starved myself to get thin. I know I write a lot of angst here because this is my place to spew out my "issues" but in r.l. I am a very positive, happy, un-affected person.

On another note ...

Maintaining has not been as hard as I imagined it would, I have upped my calorie intake and now eat pretty much what ever I feel like (with in reason of course ... ummmm ok except for the occasional loss of control and binging). I still keep track of how many calories I eat, it has just become natural to do this. If I have an excessively high calorie day one day the next few I just keep it a little lower. My weight has definitely stabilised. Exercise however is still on the back burner ... the tattoo is a week old today and I would like to give it a bit longer to heal completely. I would like to start doing my yoga though, so will probably start today. I really miss the muscular exercises and I can almost see the lack of muscle definition. I need to do my routine in the mornings as hubby is near preventing me from getting onto my Wii fit ... it is rather frustrating. I will find a routine soon to start my work outs again.

Control

Control is a very hard thing ... you think you have it in your grasp but one little slip and it seems to disappear. I know I write about control quite a lot, but when it comes to eating it is a focus for me.

I am having difficulty with this right now. I am not sure why, perhaps it is because I have reached GW and thus feel justified in a little "cheat" here and there ... the problem is the little turns into a LOT. I cannot seem to just have a small treat, my brain just looses control. It is either all or nothing and it is frustrating. I need to control myself around food. These "cheats" are happening when ever I go out and people are watching me to see how much I eat. I almost feel obliged to wolf down copious amounts of food to prove that I don't have "issues" ... I need to get over this.

The other problem is after these binges which usually includes high fat foods I feel like crap. I have never been capable of metabolising fatty food, my body just does not seem to cope with it, where my husband can literally eat food that is swimming in oil, it makes me nauseous and always has. Since I have been monitoring my fat intake and keeping it rather low (over the past few months) when I do binge and eat even low fat foods but exceed my usually daily intake of fat I feel like I have a hang over the next day.

I need to get back to my usual diet even if it is higher in calories but I do need to continue to avoid those high fat foods ... I cannot cope with feeling like my stomach has a brick inside it. I am also suffering with not being able to do as much exercise as usual, with the tattoo I have cut down my yoga & muscle training on the Wii fit. I feel so lethargic lately and I think these binges are coming as a result of just general "funk".

Despite my lack of control and binging my weight is stable I have been trying to gain a little and have altered my GW to 41.5-42 kg's (91.3 - 92.4 pounds) as my hubby was not happy with my dropping below 41 kg's (90 pounds). I am OK now with that, I hope he can see the difference and that I am trying to appease him.

Irritation

I deleted this post because I feel winging and whining about other people winging and whining was rather negative and I have enough to deal with.

I would love to have left it up for me but as I am expecting visitor's to this site (Hi Os!) shortly I thought I would rather focus on eating rather than relationships if that makes sense ....

So lets get on with it then.

Stabilising

Well the tattoo came out way better than I thought it would. I am totally over the moon!!! It is so pretty and feminine and dainty/delicate but most of all it is balanced, every thing that I wanted it to convey. So far every one that I have shown it to thinks it is beautiful. I also went fairly colourful, both my other tattoo's are Black, Grey & White where this one is Black, Grey, Purple, Lilac & Turquoise. I will get some photo's to post as soon as it is a little less "raw". It also took less time than I though for such a large area. I was under the needle for about 1 hour. The pain was not so bad, it felt like uncomfortable scratching with a few pinches here and there and more of a burning sensation. I did however come home with a pretty saw left shoulder from gripping the chair so hard. Hubby is now inspired to get his first tattoo, his idea is really amazing and would suit him to a T. I hope he will actually go through with it.

Well I am at goal weight and now I am trying to stabilise it. The problem is right now I cannot do too much exercise because of the tattoo and I feel like a couch potato as I did absolutely no exercise yesterday, I need to exercise. I am really liking the look of my body now, I am thin enough to look good in what ever I wear yet not too skinny that I look un-healthy, in my opinion.

I am bouncing around a bit and yesterday even went under 41kg's which I was not happy with, but today I am back above 41 so that's good. I just need to keep an eye on it. I am enjoying my menu plan and it has really become a routine / way of life. I am actually eating more than Hubby now, I just eat lower calorie foods than he does so I can eat more bulk. I can honestly say I am happy now with my weight for the first time in my adult life.

With a BMI of 16.5 and body fat % at around 10 I look lithe, slim, healthy and I have boundless energy ... I am feel so positive.

Tattoo and progress

In a few hours I will be laid out half naked on a Tattoo's table with a needle poking into me for 2 hours.

My little treat / reminder what ever you want to call it for my 34th birthday and making it down to my goal weight. This morning I am 41.4 kg's (91.1 pounds), I am quite happy with that as I know by the end of the week as per my usual trend I should be down to around 41kg's only to pick up a few grams over the week end again. As long as I can keep my weight in the 41kg area I am happy that I have indeed reached goal.

This entire process of now maintaining my weight (or gain) is very interesting. I have learned so much about my body, how it reacts to food, what I need to do to reduce my weight, when I pick up and when I loose. What kind of foods it does well with. I have really tuned into it and I love what I have achieved. The accomplishment has been very thrilling and now keeping it all up is still quite a challenge, don't get me wrong. I know I still have to keep at it but it is now part of my life, my lifestyle. It really did not take much shifting. As I have told every one that cares to listen (ha) I am now actually eating more than I did before, eating more often and getting way more nutrients and vitamins. The fact that most people think I look too skinny is really irritating because I have worked so hard. I am muscular and fit, healthy and energetic ... I am certainly not anorexic :) I just think that most people do not understand how I can be thin AND healthy. Yes I am the first one to admit that I have "issues" but I have worked around them. My control has been focused and channelled into a more healthy way of life than ever before.

Back to Routine

I have decided to set out a diet plan so here it is.

It is pretty much what I am planning to stick to for maintenance and will work around the basics depending on how my weight goes. I am a few grams up again after a really "bad" week-end.

Saturday I had lunch out after a meeting. They served up tea and cake boy oh boy ... chocolate cake, custard tart ... all resistance crumbled.

Then Sunday we were taken out for lunch by family for my birthday and well I simply could not turn down the creme brulle for dessert.

Gasp, my calories for the week end both days were more than I have had in a very very long time but I am only up a few grams from my goal weight and I actually really like the challenge of getting back down again, gives me some thing to strive for.

So here is the diet plan I have worked out:

8am - Black Coffee (I find this kicks my metabolism into gear as well as getting my tummy working)

Breakfast around 10 - 11am:
Option 1: 100g fruit (papaya, mango, melon) 100g Low fat natural Yogurt, 6g Psyllium husks = 80 - 100 cal

Option 2: 30g Oats cooked with 250g water, 10g Whey powder mix with 20g nonfat milk and pour over oats after coocking and once cooled down some what, top with 5g Maple Syrup, 3g Low fat hot chocolate powder, 2 g Cinnamon = 182 cal

Lunch's & Dinners:

Option 1: 70g Rye Bread, 20g Ham, 30g Tomato from tin, 15g Onion, 10g Capers, 30g Sweet peppers, 10g Mozzarella Cheese (made into a pizza) = 270 cal

Option 2: 3g Canola Oil, 15g Onion, 100g Tomato from tin, 60g Tuna (in water), 100g Mixed greens (water crests, rocket etc), 50g Sweet peppers, 50g (dry weight) Whole wheat pasta - all heated together = 240 cal

Option 3: 100g Lettuce, 60g Cucumber, 20g Onion, 60g Pickles, 60g Tomato, Dressing (2g Flaxseed oil, 30g Cream Cheese, 20g Red Wine Vinegar) = 52 cal
If 60g Tuna is added = 122 cal

Option 4: 300g Vegetable soup (home made), 70g Rye bread spread with 30g Cream Cheese = 220 Cal

Option 5: 150g Potato microwaved, 50g Cream Cheese, 80g Chicken breast cut up and fried in 3g of Canola oil with 20g Onion add a little water to pot and simmer till chicken is cooked = 261 cal

Option 6: 20g Onion, 3g Canola oil, 100g Shrimp / Mussels / Squid, 100g Tomato from Tin, 100g Mixed greens (water crests, rocket) 50g (dry weight) Whole Wheat Pasta = 216 Cal

Snacks:

Option 1: 130g non fat Milk, 6g Low fat hot chocolate powder, 5 g Instant coffee, 5g Whey protein powder = 80cal
with out the protein powder = 65 cal

Option 2: 100g Evaporated Milk / Jello Ice cream = 100 cal

Option 3: 50g Carrot sticks, 50g Celery sticks, 50g Cream cheese = 80 cal

Option 4: 10g Low fat hot chocolate powder mixed into 100g Low fat yogurt, 5g Psyllium husks = 75 cal

The idea is to to eat around 500 - 700 cal per day. So if I have the higher cal breakfast then I need to choose a lower cal lunch and dinner or possibly skip the snack. Even worst case example if I had to have all the high calorie things in one day = 825 cal. But if it was reverse and I took all the low calorie options = 507 cal.

Low fat Ice Cream

I would like to share with you a little secret. I made some of this last night and boy is it yummy, filling and very low fat!!!

380 gram tin of low fat Evaporated Milk - the one I could get was not terribly low cal at almost 500 cal for the tin but I know you do get them lower cal.

40 gram low cal flavoured Jello again I know you get them lower cal than the one I got at 166 cal for the 40 grams. I used Pineapple & Passion fruit flavour.

200 gram boiling water.

30 grams Lemon Juice

In one bowl empty the Jello and dilute with the boiling water. Place bowl in a sink filled with cold water, stir occasionally.

In another large bowl beat the Evaporated Milk for about 5-10 mins on high speed with an electric beater. This will whip up to a thick consistency almost like whipped cream.

As you will have been stirring the Jello occasionally keep a check on it, once it is no longer runny like water and just starting to set add the lemon juice.

Add the Jello to the whipped milk and beat for 2 minutes this MUST be done before the jello sets. Spoon into a large Tupperware (2-3 litre) then once set fairly solid, freeze.

You will be amazed how much 50 grams is and it is only 48 calories even using my "high calorie" ingredients. Protein = 2 grams, Carb = 3 grams, Fat = 2 grams. Serve with Fruit & yogurt and you have yourself a very nice dessert.

Too thin?

I am a tad confused ... I got to my goal weight (well close to it) 41.2kg's (90.6 pounds) and suddenly I am "too thin" according to my Hubby. Suddenly I am no longer looking healthy or fit, suddenly I don't look good any more. I don't understand when I was 42kg's and struggling to get down a few more grams all was fine, but now hubby seems to think I look terrible.

I have lost my weight in a healthy way with low calorie high nutrient food, binging has been minimal, I simply cut out alcohol, chocolate, sweets, biltong / beef jerky, bread, cheese, chips, fried food etc. I have been eating yogurt, fruit, salad, fish and vegetables. I have been exercising a fair amount but not over exerting myself. I feel energetic, my nails and hair have grown, my skin is clear and my eyes are bright and twinkly, I am energetic and sleep a whole lot less. Hubby always complained that I didn't wake up to go walking in the mornings with him, now I am the one pushing for the walks in the mornings. I have the enthusiasm and energy to keep the house clean and neat, the dishes are always done now. So what exactly is the problem ... I don't know.

Last night I was compared to some cheerleaders on TV and told I looked like a skeleton in comparison. I have worked hard and developing lean muscle and get rid of body fat. I think the cheerleaders looked pudgy to be honest.

So the difference of 1kg (2.2 pounds) is an issue it seems. Well I am really proud that I am down to my goal and I am going to try to keep my weight range around 41 - 41.5kg's because that is where I feel comfortable.

Is dieting a good thing?

Hubby and I were chatting about how dieting can actually make you pick up weight.

Well not that I have picked up weight but I was complaining about the struggles to loose the last 700 grams, how it has taken me all week just to get back to 41.7kg's and how frustrated I am.

He mentioned to me that when I was 47kg's I never stressed about what I ate, never worried about when my next meal was or for that matter actually ate as much as I do now. This brought me to thinking that does obsessing over one's weight actually make you put on weight. I would like to get to a point where I no longer think about food or what exactly I am going to eat at my next meal or even WHEN my next meal is going to be. I would like to NOT care about food, I was like that before and managed to maintain my weight with no problems now that I weigh less I feel like I have to watch every morsel that I put in my mouth ... strange.

So I have to question myself, is the "task" of loosing a bit of weight shoved me against the wall of self obsession. Is the constant monitoring of food intake, trying to keep a balanced diet doing quite the opposite of loosing / maintaining my weight.

Where does one draw the line of balance? How does one maintain ones weight with out being obsessive? Is the fact that I am "dieting" and watching what I eat the catalyst for weight gain.

When I was not "dieting" I ate less, probably higher calorie but lower nutrient food, my body coped. Now I eat low calorie higher nutrient food and my body and mind seems to be rebelling. I simply do not understand ... how is it that it is so much harder to maintain a lower weight when I feel I am giving my body what it needs.

A bit more history

As I have mentioned both my sisters are on the larger side and so is my mom. It saddens me as all of them are ALWAYS on diet but never seem to ever loose any weight *shrug*.

This brought me to thinking this morning of how much my "issues" have been cemented as a child.

I was never physically abused (many eating disorder people suffer from this) as a child but mentally hmmm I am not sure.

I remember as a teenager my father always telling me I would turn out to be "a fat bitch like my mother". Often when he said things like this to me I would get so angry I would throw up, spinning me into starve/binge/purge mode for a few months. Still to this day when ever I see my father he tells me things like "god look at you, you are getting fat just like your mother" it does not matter what I weigh ... to him I am always the FAT one. I can arrive there with my sister that weighs double what I do but he will pick on me and point out that I am FAT, not her. Just writing this down makes my palms sweat and I feel nauseous. Still to this day I have no idea why me ... why he chose me to berate in this way. My father was and still is to this day very thin, my husband is really thin ... a psychological connection, probably. My hubby is also very weight conscious and although does not say anything derogatory about my weigh he does make it clear that over weight people suck, that he would leave me if I ever got over weight. When he gets upset with me for any reason at all, I think the way to solve it is to loose more weight.

Weight has always been and will always be an issue for me, no matter what I weigh. I am currently at the lowest weight I have been since I was 14 and yet still I am not 100% happy with the way I look, I can see area's that need work. I need to tone up a lot, my belly sticks out past my hip bones and it frustrates me. I get on the scale and think .... just one more kilogram, just one more ... Don't get me wrong I am quite happy with the way I look and I am happy in my life, these are just "issues" that are part of who I am and that "just one more kilo" is what drives me.

Exhausted

I think all the stress and tension that went into the lead up to my birthday has just hit me. Sounds strange but I have been rather stressed about loosing weight with yesterday being the "big day". Gawd that sounds so sad doesn't it?

I feel like I have been run over by a bus. I am tired well actually exhausted. I would love to just curl up in bed and sleep for a few weeks. No idea why this has hit me so hard or why I feel so tired. I have been eating pretty well. The week end eventually caught up with me this morning and I am up frigging 700 grams *gag*. Was nice that my body didn't reflect it yesterday, I am guessing this *blegh* mood has some thing to do with the weight gain.

Anyhoo birthday over the rest of my life of calorie restricting ahead. Planning meals, counting every gram of food, daily weigh in's, exercise oh and more exercise. Some times I wonder what it is all about, why bother? No matter how low my calorie intake my stupid body just decides to pick up weight. Upping my daily intake just makes me feel like crap. Every one keeps saying "but how can you only eat 700 cal per day??" Well the answer is if I give my god damned body any more it bloody shows on the scale.

Why can I not maintain my weight with a slightly higher calorie intake? I can understand having to restrict to loose weight but now why do I have to restrict to such a point just to keep my weight stable? I don't understand ...

Dreams

Today is my birthday ... Yay me. I turned 34 today. I don't feel 34 and most people don't think I look 34 which is a good thing I guess.

Last night I had a dream that my body asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I asked it to be 41.5kg's (91.3 pounds) this morning. After a rather sinful week-end I guess I expected to be up but I think my body listened to me in my dream or as close as it could get. I was 41.7kg's (91.7 pounds) this morning.

My hubby also asked me this morning if I would maintain my weight for a while, that he feels I am looking too skinny. So I guess for now I will try to maintain this weigh. I am quite happy here and I think it will be a good idea to try to stick to it for a few months. See how it goes. Also we are going into winter as I have discussed before and I get very cold so it may be an idea to keep at this weight and let my body settle down. I weigh a lot less than I have weighed in many years for winter so I guess it would be quite a shock to my body. Funny thing is I actually don't feel much thinner and I really think I could stand to loose at least another 2 kg's.

Hubby took me out to lunch to my absolute fav restaurant in the whole world. It is a Thai restaurant. I had prawn soup starter and the seafood salad as my main. Calorie total worked out around 400 for lunch. I think this is pretty good considering. As I am not 100% sure what all goes into the food and I had to merely guess from the ingredients what the calorie intake is I am going to work on around double that and have a very light dinner just in case ... but oh my gosh it was so worth it and I still feel full. BUT if we had to take it at the value of what I put in and I really think I am a good gauge of weights now. Only thing I had a problem was is oil. It was a very light soup, clear but total oil I put down as 10grams. Salad again very light and the dressing did not mention oil although I did add for that too just in case. What I was trying to say through that ramble is that it is not so difficult to choose low calorie meals even going to restaurants if you wish to loose weight.

Other wise all in all so far I have had the best birthday in a very long time (oh wait I say that every year ha). This year however I feel so good (and healthy) and thanks to my hubby really spoilt, I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband.

Week-ends ain't a good idea

I am not quite sure what it is about week-ends that dissolve my resolve. The laziness that kind of settles over the house.

Some how I sort of fall over and week-ends are always higher calorie intake / less excersise days. I just do not seem to have the strength or resistance to "bad" food.

Although the scale has not thrown a wobbly at me yet I know iIwill pay for this week-end in a few days. Which means it is not looking good for my birthday being a celebratory goal weight day.

I have noticed though that if I do a higher calorie intake for a few days, then back to my usual working hard my weight drops below the original lowest weigh. I just have to be fairly strict on myself and I hit a new lowest weigh quite quick. This means that I can now get on the scale after a week-end and not have a total freak out if the numbers are higher than before the week-end ... It's OK, I can cope. I think this is a new positive for me.

Not only have I managed to not purge or starve these past few weeks but I have also managed to get on the scale and cope with what it says ... good or bad.

Goals

Amazingly enough my goal weight is just in sight ... I have 1.5 pounds (700 grams) to loose to get there ... what are the chances I can do this by Tuesday 29 April I wonder? This will put me at my goal weight of 90.2 pounds (41 kg's) quite a head rush (thrill is possibly a better word) I have to tell you. A week ago I would have sworn that the fat monster was about to get me.

So here we have it I have been really good all week. We went out for lunch yesterday I had my usual grilled Calamari Salad, I did not feel like dinner so I skipped it. My body seems to have slowed down it's drastic weight loss again but the total is 7.3 pounds (3.3kgs) this week. But considering that the majority of those pounds was actually accumulated hormonal weight I guess you could actually say it is more like 1 pound actual loss which is not much. But I am closer to my goal which if fabulous! My BMI is 16.8 but my body fat % is 9.5 which is really kewl. Even when I get to 90.2 pounds my BMI will only be 16.5 which is really not very underweight at all.

On another note. I am patiently awaiting the arrival of the Nintendo Wii Fit ... I was told by the store that they were receiving delivery today. Some how I do not expect that I will get the phone call to come collect *sigh*. I actually have butterflies in my tummy I am so excited but I just KNOW that I will have a few more days wait .... and another huge *sigh*!

Routine

I thought I should put down my routine here to remind me.

Pre-Breakfast: 1-2 cups of black filter coffee.
Breakfast: Smoothy, you can find the recipe further down but I do vary it depending on what fruit I have and what flavor I feel like. Usually around 500g at around 200 cal. It is pretty balanced with loads of fibre and really yummy!!! Take vitamins.
Lunch: Depends on what I feel like, it can be anything from vegetable soup to a hot dog made with whole wheat bread or a salad or even my special rye bread "pizza". Around 200-300 cal.
Dinner: Same as Lunch but I work out how many calories I have had and adjust what I eat depending on my days calorie intake. I also take into account how high my percentages are for protein / carb / fat and how my vitamins and nutrient levels are looking. Like last night I had low fat hot chocolate with protein powder mixed in and some fruit. Around 100-300 cal depending how high I want my calorie intake to be for the day.

Calorie average per day any where from 300 - 1000 but usually around 500 at the moment as I am still trying to get to goal weight. I try to alternate between one low cal day and one high cal day.

Exercise: Walking for 1/2 hour per day, Nintendo Wii for 1 - 3 hours per day. Horse riding for 1 hour 3-4 times per week.
Water: Minimum 2 litres per day.

Binging has totally stopped now. I feel balanced and my cravings have subsided.

Ok, now WTF?

Howwwwwly heck I have no idea what my body is up to? I get on the scale this morning and I am down to 92.4 pounds (42 kg's). I mean this in a good way, I am really stoked about the loss as I have not exactly been the perfect little calorie counter of late. So yeah I am feeling over the moon, which brings me to thinking ... is a little binging every now and again a good thing in the grand scheme of things?

Over the week end I actually scoured cupboards hunting down chocolate believe it or not. I probably found around 70 grams all together which I guiltily scoffed down. I didn't purge either. I have been really good about that.

My calories have been around 700 - 1000 and some days even more. Then this week I have been kind of good around 400 - 700ish for three or so days and then this weight loss suddenly. I think my metabolism just needed a bit of a boost. I hear this is rather important. If you bounce around your calorie intake your body has no clue what is going on and doesn't go into starvation mode ... or well that is what I have heard. So perhaps inadvertently I jump started my metabolism after plateauing.

So all in all a good week, the spirits are high, my body is full of energy and things are looking good that I may actually be close-ish to my goal weight for my birthday.

Ok, what the heck?

So after two weeks of bitc'in, complan'in, grumbl'in, moan'in bad moods, tantrums, sulks and general disappointment I give up on my stress over weight and food. Both yesterday and this morning I get on the scale and I am down to 94.5 pounds (43kg's). I know it is not the lightest I have been but I am not far off again with less than a pound to loose to get back there.

I have not really been terribly strict on myself recently, have been watching calories but not exactly starving myself or over exercising and voila back to a weight I can cope with again. My skinny jeans fit me comfy and I have a huge grin on my face, feeling confident and happy.

Hubby and I went to an office warming of a client's last night. I was pretty good considering the wonderful yummy (read that as disgustingly fattening) food they had. I stuck to the smoked salmon and cream cheese on potato pancakes which rang me up a total of around 600 calories *gasp*. They were oh so worth it though ... absolutely delicious and some thing I certainly will incorporate as a nice dinner in future, hubby loved them.

Some thing that came out of last night that I found interesting. When hubby mentioned that I was on a "diet" people commented: "But WHY you are so small??". Firstly I am not on a diet, I watch my weight and yes I hope to loose a few pounds yet but I consider CRON a way of life, of eating healthy for my health. Perhaps I am a little obsessive over it but just remember that this blog IS specifically about this side of my life so what I write here is naturally obsessive about the subject. However this comment strikes me as rather amusing as I HAVE to work on my body daily to look the way I do, if I didn't well then I would be a lot heavier, so why make that kind of comment. Obviously I have to watch my calorie intake, exercises regularly and keep a check on all of this to look the way I do. It is a work in progress just like body builders or gymnasts or ballerina's or athletes are obsessed with their diets and exercises. It's not like I can walk into a shop and purchase a certain weight. So just because I am not one of the above mentioned and just a "normal" person I do not have the right to look the way I do? That working on my body is in some way wrong?

Alcohol

I gave up alcohol a good number of weeks ago now .... hmmmm perhaps even over 2 months?


Over the week-end I put a few drops of Rum into my afternoon drinks (sparkling lemon/lime water) it added an interesting taste. When I say a few drops I mean my entire alcohol intake was 2 grams per drink so gave me an alcohol % so low I reasoned it was not even worth considering alcoholic. Both Saturday and Sunday I ended up with raging head aches. I think even at such a low addition of alcohol my body said "No way, not a chance, ain't lettin ya". I find this rather interesting that my body has rejected alcohol to such an extent ... from being a heavy drinker to not even being able to touch even a drop kind of makes me quite proud of my body.


Wish it would react like that to "bad" foods, perhaps a little nausea when I look at fatty or sweet food ... hmmmm?

Motivation

I am in a happy place.

This is a problem as my motivation for weight loss is when I am stressed, upset or unhappy. Funny thing that when things are good my body screams for food. When things are bad I simply cannot eat.

Well I ain't going to go make myself depressed to loose weight and I cannot seem to find the motivation to stick to a "fall over and die starving" no calorie intake. I seem to have stabilised around 97 pounds (44kg's) now with a calorie intake of 700 - 1000 per day. I would really like to have stabilised at a lower weight though. I feel rather heavy at this weight, I feel chubby and ewww. Like my body is slathered in a layer of blubber.

Well we shall see how things go this week, I have decided to give up on the idea of a goal right now. I have my prelim tattoo design consultation tomorrow. I promised myself I would not do this if I was not down to at least 93 pounds. Well looks like I am going to break my promise to myself.

Our weather is getting colder and colder, I am craving warm fatty food. Stupid hibernation mood has set in preparing for winter. I seem to get way too cold when I weigh 93 pounds, I think my body has baulked at that.

Pizza

So all the chatter about keeping it simple, forgetting about food and trying to get back to low calories ... well we are getting there slowly I just need to forget about food and concentrate rather on CRON. Keep it low but don't obsess.

Right so Hubby comes home from seeing a client and whisks me off to the mall to go gadget shopping. I was absolutely ravenous and craving Pizza desperately. I love Pizza like there is no tomorrow. I suggested we go to the Italian restaurant for lunch but he is a bit of a claustrophobic and could not handle the amount of people at the mall so we wandered off home with a quick stop in at our local food shop.

I bought a few ingredients to make my own Pizza here it is at just over 300 cal and I am stuffed!

70g slice of rye bread slightly toasted
40g caned tomato with Italian herbs (smooshed)
10g capers
10g sandwich ham
30g grape tomato's
40g mozzarella cheese
10g bell pepper chilli's

Suffice to say my craving for Pizza is now sated and I think I can comfortably say dinner is not even some thing I feel like considering and as a 3.30pm lunch was late enough to take care of dinner too.

Food obsession

I am pretty sure this "food obsession" I have is in fact doing the opposite of what I want to do.

Counting calories, having to monitor every single thing that goes into my mouth has made things worse for me. I constantly think of food, I constantly worry about what the scale will say and it is actually pissing me off.

With thinking of food all the time and planning my next meal I am causing myself to binge uncontrollably. I have never done this before. Last night after working really hard and having a great low cal day. I sat down and ate a huge bowl of oats ... WTF?

It's like my mind is sabotaging me or some thing. Before I became "obsessed" with trying to eat healthy I think I actually ate a whole lot less. Well the proof is that I lost a fair amount of weight by just eating only when I was hungry.

Now I am not hungry but I am already plotting what I should eat today ... STUPID or what?

So for the next week I am going to try to go back to how things were before ... eat when hungry, when I eat I will make it healthy low fat food. I will not weigh myself until next week Friday and see what happens.

Now I have all these low cal muffins, fruit, veg the fridge is stocked with all these good foods and yet it taunts me as I have to ration myself constantly.

I swear to god every time I look at the fridge those god damn muffins start up a mantra of "eat me, eat me!!!"

So out went the muffins, out went all the "low cal - good snacks" that I had baked. That is food that I do not ordinarily eat.

Back to basics ...

Breakfast will be fruit & maple water.
Lunch will be smoothy or soup.
Dinner will be salad.

Keep it simple, get rid of the snacks and lets try it again.

Milkshake

I have recently started trying to begin the day off with a healthy breakfast especially one that is high in fibre to fill me up so this morning I tried some thing new ...

A really yummy milkshake:

100g papaya
30g no fat milk or lite fruit juice
150g no fat natural yogurt
5g Psyllium husks
10g Whey powder
A couple of ice blocks
Blended in a smoothy maker or food processor.

Calories: 150 = 15.7g protein, 21.8g carbs, 5.4g fibre, 1.8g fat

It gave me a large portion of my needed protein and fibre and completely filled me up. Was tasty too.

I find if I do not have a filling breakfast and try to skip to eating only at around 11 am or so my desire for food in the evening is much stronger. So I am now trying to have a good meal early. We shall see how it goes.

I lost 200g since yesterday (still have 4.6 pounds to loose in 10 days) so I am back on track and feeling far more positive today. I think my period really came at a bad time. I defiantly seem to get overly emotional, depressed and or course have zero will power. I also get terribly lazy and do not feel like exercising at all. Well I am now up to a whole 5 minutes of skipping with out falling over exhausted. I have hung the skipping rope next to the microwave, every time I wander into the kitchen I plan to do 5 minutes of skipping ... that could add up to quite a bit LOL.

I have worked out my day and it is looking good at around 400 cal even though we are going out for lunch. Our regular restaurant is very good to me, they prepare the most amazing calamari / squid salad with no dressing.

I was reading up yesterday that a few small meals through out the day boosts the metabolism rather than trying to limit to one or two meals a day.

Together

I have decided to leave the previous post up as a reminder to how dark things can get when dealing with my "issues".

Some days it goes like that, some days can be really dark and difficult BUT I choose to do some thing positive about it and not end up falling off the bus.

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one day at a time.

There will always be set backs but if one chooses to look at the negative one will fall off the waggon. On one side is the "I give up, I am not strong enough for this" and I revert back to the "larger" side of life. The other side of the waggon is the side I was talking about this morning ... "I will starve myself, just stop eating and all will be thin again". Neither of these are options I wish to take.

So I went out and bought a skipping rope ... wow I can skip for an entire minute with out falling over from exhaustion (how funny is that). So now I have a new challenge. I want to get up to skipping for at least 1/2 an hour at a stretch. I also sat down and planned my meals for the day and came out at 520 cal giving myself all the nutrients etc that I need and even a treat of low cal hot chocolate ... YAY.

I feel better already ... I feel stronger and I can continue with this. I just have to remind myself that it is a way of life and NOT a quick answer. Oh yeah and my period is almost over.

I have a week and a half to get down to 90 pounds (5 pounds to loose) .... oh well I guess I will just have to do a lot of skipping to get there.

Frustration

I have gained weight ... I have gone up almost 2 pounds in the past few days and the only reason I can think of is my gawd-damed period.

I feel depressed, I feel bloated and I feel completely defeated. I have no strength ... I just want to cry. I feel like all the work I have done in the past weeks is coming unravelled. I could see it creeping up on me yesterday. I was good I had less than 500 cal for the entire day. I exercised but it did no good ... the fat crept up and bit my ass.

I hate that my mood is so affected by the digits on that scale. I woke up this morning in such a bad mood ... I just knew I should not get on the scale that I had gained weight. I can feel it in my face. I feel like I have chip monk cheeks. My confidence has departed, I feel like a blimp.

The worst part of all of this is I cannot get back on track ... I cannot cope, I cannot deal with food right now. I cannot deal with eating. I know I have to and I have to eat my way through this because the alternative is not a place I want to go to.

Please give me the strength to just not think today, to not have this obsession ...

Getting back under control

The hardest part of this is when one slips up and binges. I have to constantly remind myself not to go up-chuck. That I need to beat that demon.



Last night I binged ... I ate around 300 - 400 calories more than I should have ... OK so what I ate was not exactly "bad food" but still I lost control and it frustrates me no end. I now have to deal with the emotional turmoil and guilt. The progress is that I did not go and purge.



I am kind of stuck for the past few days at a certain weight and ever time I am "good" I fall over and go over my calorie limit putting myself back up a few 100 grams. It is terribly frustrating. I just want to loose 500 grams before the end of the week. I have two weeks to loose 3 pounds and it is these last 3 that are giving me night mares.



I need rules and I need to stick to my diet and exercise ... no excuses.



I think today I should go get myself a jump rope and do 1/2 hour per day, this should improve my mussel tone and burn off those few extra calories if I do slip up. I have not been exercising as vigorously as I am used to, I have been using "that time of the month" as an excuse for my laziness and for this I am paying the price with no weight loss.

No excuses, complete control, rules, attitude! .... Pull it together, two weeks to go.

A huge step

Last night I took a huge step. I ate a Magnum "Death by Chocolate" ice cream. 100grams = 300 calories. I didn't throw it up, even though I so desperately wanted to. It is the first junk food I have had in months. My fat intake for the day went through the roof but I will cut my fat intake for a few days and that should balance it out.

I worked out that it was equivalent to a large glass of wine and could work it off with one hour of playing Wii (which I did after).

This morning I had not lost any weight but then again I had not gained so I am OK with that, my calorie intake for yesterday was the highest it has ever been at around 1000 cal. I kind of recon that my metabolism probably got such a shock it had no idea what to do.

I had one of my bran muffin's this morning for breakfast which makes me go to the toilet like clock work, gawd I love those things!!!

Today we are going for lunch with friends to a fish restaurant ... have no idea what to eat as fish is pretty high in fat content. I guess I will just have tuna or some thing with a salad, no dressing. I am saving up my calories for this and will try to keep my calories at around 400 for the day.

Going out to restaurants has become really hard for me as I have no control over how many calories or what is going into the food.

The cycle

Starve, binge, purge ... the mantra of bulimics.

I have been caught in this cycle before. It is very addictive and very hard to break away from.

Problem is this is not a great weight loss "diet". Most bulimics are not thin. You suffer from the "moon face" syndrome acquiring a round bloated looking face. Your throat is always sore and the smell of stomach acid is always in your nose. Your teeth rot. Not at all nice. Is it really worth emptying your entire stomach contents to only loose around 50% of the calories?

Hmmmm I think not.

This is why I so enjoy CRON.

With restricting calories you loose weight. Perhaps not a pound a day but it slowly comes off if you do it right, I weigh myself daily and make adjustments, if I have lost too much I up my calorie intake for that day, if I have not lost a few grams then I drop my calories or try to get a bit more exercise. I don't really view this as a diet rather a healthy way of eating, taking care of my body and giving it every thing it needs while still loosing weight. I am in control of this, it is no longer in control of me.

If I am hungry or feeling a bit dizzy I will eat, no deprivation. I have learned from the "starve, binge, purge" cycle that when you do not give your body what it requires the bulimia bug bites. If you give your body the nutrients, minerals, including fat your body does not crave. So no yo-yo-ing and no mood swings or depression. I usually eat 2-3 meals a day.

Works for me.

Bran Muffins

This is a fantastic recipe for bran muffins. They are perfectly balanced ... with protein, carb & omega3 &6. You could almost live on them. They are full of minerals and vitamines too.

Per 120grams (= 2 X Muffins measured at wet weight) 160 Calories
Protein: 3.2 grams
Carbs: 13.5 grams
Fibre: 3.5 grams
Fat: 2.1 grams which is split into 6% Omega3 & 5% Omega6 required daily intake.

Heat oven to 180 deg Centigrade / 360 deg Fahrenheit.

50g Soy flour
50g Whole wheat flour
50g Crushed Almonds (fine like flour)
100g rolled Oats
50g Bran
10g Psyllium husks
10g Baking power
5g Bicarbonate Soda
Sift the flour's into a bowl throw back the grain from the whole wheat flour & add the rest of the dry ingredients.

In a smoothy maker or blender add the following:

180g Banana
200g Apple with skin
200g Cantaloupe / Melon
10g Canola Oil
250ml Water
Blend all together then add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and mix together gently.

2 X egg whites = 60g Egg white beaten stiff
25g brown sugar beat into egg white
25g Maple syrup
10g Vanilla essence
Beat this together till very stiff.
Gently stir into your muffin mix.

Spray your muffin pan with a low cal non stick spray. VERY lightly spray 22-24 paper muffin cups with low cal non stick spray.
Spoon 60 grams into paper muffin cups and place into muffin tray.

Bake for 25 minutes or until a tooth pic inserted into centre of muffin comes out clean.

Two of these (100g dry weight) fill me up very nicely as a breakfast or even lunch.