A bit more history

As I have mentioned both my sisters are on the larger side and so is my mom. It saddens me as all of them are ALWAYS on diet but never seem to ever loose any weight *shrug*.

This brought me to thinking this morning of how much my "issues" have been cemented as a child.

I was never physically abused (many eating disorder people suffer from this) as a child but mentally hmmm I am not sure.

I remember as a teenager my father always telling me I would turn out to be "a fat bitch like my mother". Often when he said things like this to me I would get so angry I would throw up, spinning me into starve/binge/purge mode for a few months. Still to this day when ever I see my father he tells me things like "god look at you, you are getting fat just like your mother" it does not matter what I weigh ... to him I am always the FAT one. I can arrive there with my sister that weighs double what I do but he will pick on me and point out that I am FAT, not her. Just writing this down makes my palms sweat and I feel nauseous. Still to this day I have no idea why me ... why he chose me to berate in this way. My father was and still is to this day very thin, my husband is really thin ... a psychological connection, probably. My hubby is also very weight conscious and although does not say anything derogatory about my weigh he does make it clear that over weight people suck, that he would leave me if I ever got over weight. When he gets upset with me for any reason at all, I think the way to solve it is to loose more weight.

Weight has always been and will always be an issue for me, no matter what I weigh. I am currently at the lowest weight I have been since I was 14 and yet still I am not 100% happy with the way I look, I can see area's that need work. I need to tone up a lot, my belly sticks out past my hip bones and it frustrates me. I get on the scale and think .... just one more kilogram, just one more ... Don't get me wrong I am quite happy with the way I look and I am happy in my life, these are just "issues" that are part of who I am and that "just one more kilo" is what drives me.