I think all the stress and tension that went into the lead up to my birthday has just hit me. Sounds strange but I have been rather stressed about loosing weight with yesterday being the "big day". Gawd that sounds so sad doesn't it?
I feel like I have been run over by a bus. I am tired well actually exhausted. I would love to just curl up in bed and sleep for a few weeks. No idea why this has hit me so hard or why I feel so tired. I have been eating pretty well. The week end eventually caught up with me this morning and I am up frigging 700 grams *gag*. Was nice that my body didn't reflect it yesterday, I am guessing this *blegh* mood has some thing to do with the weight gain.
Anyhoo birthday over the rest of my life of calorie restricting ahead. Planning meals, counting every gram of food, daily weigh in's, exercise oh and more exercise. Some times I wonder what it is all about, why bother? No matter how low my calorie intake my stupid body just decides to pick up weight. Upping my daily intake just makes me feel like crap. Every one keeps saying "but how can you only eat 700 cal per day??" Well the answer is if I give my god damned body any more it bloody shows on the scale.
Why can I not maintain my weight with a slightly higher calorie intake? I can understand having to restrict to loose weight but now why do I have to restrict to such a point just to keep my weight stable? I don't understand ...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Dreams
Today is my birthday ... Yay me. I turned 34 today. I don't feel 34 and most people don't think I look 34 which is a good thing I guess.
Last night I had a dream that my body asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I asked it to be 41.5kg's (91.3 pounds) this morning. After a rather sinful week-end I guess I expected to be up but I think my body listened to me in my dream or as close as it could get. I was 41.7kg's (91.7 pounds) this morning.
My hubby also asked me this morning if I would maintain my weight for a while, that he feels I am looking too skinny. So I guess for now I will try to maintain this weigh. I am quite happy here and I think it will be a good idea to try to stick to it for a few months. See how it goes. Also we are going into winter as I have discussed before and I get very cold so it may be an idea to keep at this weight and let my body settle down. I weigh a lot less than I have weighed in many years for winter so I guess it would be quite a shock to my body. Funny thing is I actually don't feel much thinner and I really think I could stand to loose at least another 2 kg's.
Hubby took me out to lunch to my absolute fav restaurant in the whole world. It is a Thai restaurant. I had prawn soup starter and the seafood salad as my main. Calorie total worked out around 400 for lunch. I think this is pretty good considering. As I am not 100% sure what all goes into the food and I had to merely guess from the ingredients what the calorie intake is I am going to work on around double that and have a very light dinner just in case ... but oh my gosh it was so worth it and I still feel full. BUT if we had to take it at the value of what I put in and I really think I am a good gauge of weights now. Only thing I had a problem was is oil. It was a very light soup, clear but total oil I put down as 10grams. Salad again very light and the dressing did not mention oil although I did add for that too just in case. What I was trying to say through that ramble is that it is not so difficult to choose low calorie meals even going to restaurants if you wish to loose weight.
Other wise all in all so far I have had the best birthday in a very long time (oh wait I say that every year ha). This year however I feel so good (and healthy) and thanks to my hubby really spoilt, I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband.
Last night I had a dream that my body asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I asked it to be 41.5kg's (91.3 pounds) this morning. After a rather sinful week-end I guess I expected to be up but I think my body listened to me in my dream or as close as it could get. I was 41.7kg's (91.7 pounds) this morning.
My hubby also asked me this morning if I would maintain my weight for a while, that he feels I am looking too skinny. So I guess for now I will try to maintain this weigh. I am quite happy here and I think it will be a good idea to try to stick to it for a few months. See how it goes. Also we are going into winter as I have discussed before and I get very cold so it may be an idea to keep at this weight and let my body settle down. I weigh a lot less than I have weighed in many years for winter so I guess it would be quite a shock to my body. Funny thing is I actually don't feel much thinner and I really think I could stand to loose at least another 2 kg's.
Hubby took me out to lunch to my absolute fav restaurant in the whole world. It is a Thai restaurant. I had prawn soup starter and the seafood salad as my main. Calorie total worked out around 400 for lunch. I think this is pretty good considering. As I am not 100% sure what all goes into the food and I had to merely guess from the ingredients what the calorie intake is I am going to work on around double that and have a very light dinner just in case ... but oh my gosh it was so worth it and I still feel full. BUT if we had to take it at the value of what I put in and I really think I am a good gauge of weights now. Only thing I had a problem was is oil. It was a very light soup, clear but total oil I put down as 10grams. Salad again very light and the dressing did not mention oil although I did add for that too just in case. What I was trying to say through that ramble is that it is not so difficult to choose low calorie meals even going to restaurants if you wish to loose weight.
Other wise all in all so far I have had the best birthday in a very long time (oh wait I say that every year ha). This year however I feel so good (and healthy) and thanks to my hubby really spoilt, I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Week-ends ain't a good idea
I am not quite sure what it is about week-ends that dissolve my resolve. The laziness that kind of settles over the house.
Some how I sort of fall over and week-ends are always higher calorie intake / less excersise days. I just do not seem to have the strength or resistance to "bad" food.
Although the scale has not thrown a wobbly at me yet I know iIwill pay for this week-end in a few days. Which means it is not looking good for my birthday being a celebratory goal weight day.
I have noticed though that if I do a higher calorie intake for a few days, then back to my usual working hard my weight drops below the original lowest weigh. I just have to be fairly strict on myself and I hit a new lowest weigh quite quick. This means that I can now get on the scale after a week-end and not have a total freak out if the numbers are higher than before the week-end ... It's OK, I can cope. I think this is a new positive for me.
Not only have I managed to not purge or starve these past few weeks but I have also managed to get on the scale and cope with what it says ... good or bad.
Some how I sort of fall over and week-ends are always higher calorie intake / less excersise days. I just do not seem to have the strength or resistance to "bad" food.
Although the scale has not thrown a wobbly at me yet I know iIwill pay for this week-end in a few days. Which means it is not looking good for my birthday being a celebratory goal weight day.
I have noticed though that if I do a higher calorie intake for a few days, then back to my usual working hard my weight drops below the original lowest weigh. I just have to be fairly strict on myself and I hit a new lowest weigh quite quick. This means that I can now get on the scale after a week-end and not have a total freak out if the numbers are higher than before the week-end ... It's OK, I can cope. I think this is a new positive for me.
Not only have I managed to not purge or starve these past few weeks but I have also managed to get on the scale and cope with what it says ... good or bad.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Goals
Amazingly enough my goal weight is just in sight ... I have 1.5 pounds (700 grams) to loose to get there ... what are the chances I can do this by Tuesday 29 April I wonder? This will put me at my goal weight of 90.2 pounds (41 kg's) quite a head rush (thrill is possibly a better word) I have to tell you. A week ago I would have sworn that the fat monster was about to get me.
So here we have it I have been really good all week. We went out for lunch yesterday I had my usual grilled Calamari Salad, I did not feel like dinner so I skipped it. My body seems to have slowed down it's drastic weight loss again but the total is 7.3 pounds (3.3kgs) this week. But considering that the majority of those pounds was actually accumulated hormonal weight I guess you could actually say it is more like 1 pound actual loss which is not much. But I am closer to my goal which if fabulous! My BMI is 16.8 but my body fat % is 9.5 which is really kewl. Even when I get to 90.2 pounds my BMI will only be 16.5 which is really not very underweight at all.
On another note. I am patiently awaiting the arrival of the Nintendo Wii Fit ... I was told by the store that they were receiving delivery today. Some how I do not expect that I will get the phone call to come collect *sigh*. I actually have butterflies in my tummy I am so excited but I just KNOW that I will have a few more days wait .... and another huge *sigh*!
So here we have it I have been really good all week. We went out for lunch yesterday I had my usual grilled Calamari Salad, I did not feel like dinner so I skipped it. My body seems to have slowed down it's drastic weight loss again but the total is 7.3 pounds (3.3kgs) this week. But considering that the majority of those pounds was actually accumulated hormonal weight I guess you could actually say it is more like 1 pound actual loss which is not much. But I am closer to my goal which if fabulous! My BMI is 16.8 but my body fat % is 9.5 which is really kewl. Even when I get to 90.2 pounds my BMI will only be 16.5 which is really not very underweight at all.
On another note. I am patiently awaiting the arrival of the Nintendo Wii Fit ... I was told by the store that they were receiving delivery today. Some how I do not expect that I will get the phone call to come collect *sigh*. I actually have butterflies in my tummy I am so excited but I just KNOW that I will have a few more days wait .... and another huge *sigh*!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Routine
I thought I should put down my routine here to remind me.
Pre-Breakfast: 1-2 cups of black filter coffee.
Breakfast: Smoothy, you can find the recipe further down but I do vary it depending on what fruit I have and what flavor I feel like. Usually around 500g at around 200 cal. It is pretty balanced with loads of fibre and really yummy!!! Take vitamins.
Lunch: Depends on what I feel like, it can be anything from vegetable soup to a hot dog made with whole wheat bread or a salad or even my special rye bread "pizza". Around 200-300 cal.
Dinner: Same as Lunch but I work out how many calories I have had and adjust what I eat depending on my days calorie intake. I also take into account how high my percentages are for protein / carb / fat and how my vitamins and nutrient levels are looking. Like last night I had low fat hot chocolate with protein powder mixed in and some fruit. Around 100-300 cal depending how high I want my calorie intake to be for the day.
Calorie average per day any where from 300 - 1000 but usually around 500 at the moment as I am still trying to get to goal weight. I try to alternate between one low cal day and one high cal day.
Exercise: Walking for 1/2 hour per day, Nintendo Wii for 1 - 3 hours per day. Horse riding for 1 hour 3-4 times per week.
Water: Minimum 2 litres per day.
Binging has totally stopped now. I feel balanced and my cravings have subsided.
Pre-Breakfast: 1-2 cups of black filter coffee.
Breakfast: Smoothy, you can find the recipe further down but I do vary it depending on what fruit I have and what flavor I feel like. Usually around 500g at around 200 cal. It is pretty balanced with loads of fibre and really yummy!!! Take vitamins.
Lunch: Depends on what I feel like, it can be anything from vegetable soup to a hot dog made with whole wheat bread or a salad or even my special rye bread "pizza". Around 200-300 cal.
Dinner: Same as Lunch but I work out how many calories I have had and adjust what I eat depending on my days calorie intake. I also take into account how high my percentages are for protein / carb / fat and how my vitamins and nutrient levels are looking. Like last night I had low fat hot chocolate with protein powder mixed in and some fruit. Around 100-300 cal depending how high I want my calorie intake to be for the day.
Calorie average per day any where from 300 - 1000 but usually around 500 at the moment as I am still trying to get to goal weight. I try to alternate between one low cal day and one high cal day.
Exercise: Walking for 1/2 hour per day, Nintendo Wii for 1 - 3 hours per day. Horse riding for 1 hour 3-4 times per week.
Water: Minimum 2 litres per day.
Binging has totally stopped now. I feel balanced and my cravings have subsided.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Ok, now WTF?
Howwwwwly heck I have no idea what my body is up to? I get on the scale this morning and I am down to 92.4 pounds (42 kg's). I mean this in a good way, I am really stoked about the loss as I have not exactly been the perfect little calorie counter of late. So yeah I am feeling over the moon, which brings me to thinking ... is a little binging every now and again a good thing in the grand scheme of things?
Over the week end I actually scoured cupboards hunting down chocolate believe it or not. I probably found around 70 grams all together which I guiltily scoffed down. I didn't purge either. I have been really good about that.
My calories have been around 700 - 1000 and some days even more. Then this week I have been kind of good around 400 - 700ish for three or so days and then this weight loss suddenly. I think my metabolism just needed a bit of a boost. I hear this is rather important. If you bounce around your calorie intake your body has no clue what is going on and doesn't go into starvation mode ... or well that is what I have heard. So perhaps inadvertently I jump started my metabolism after plateauing.
So all in all a good week, the spirits are high, my body is full of energy and things are looking good that I may actually be close-ish to my goal weight for my birthday.
Over the week end I actually scoured cupboards hunting down chocolate believe it or not. I probably found around 70 grams all together which I guiltily scoffed down. I didn't purge either. I have been really good about that.
My calories have been around 700 - 1000 and some days even more. Then this week I have been kind of good around 400 - 700ish for three or so days and then this weight loss suddenly. I think my metabolism just needed a bit of a boost. I hear this is rather important. If you bounce around your calorie intake your body has no clue what is going on and doesn't go into starvation mode ... or well that is what I have heard. So perhaps inadvertently I jump started my metabolism after plateauing.
So all in all a good week, the spirits are high, my body is full of energy and things are looking good that I may actually be close-ish to my goal weight for my birthday.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Ok, what the heck?
So after two weeks of bitc'in, complan'in, grumbl'in, moan'in bad moods, tantrums, sulks and general disappointment I give up on my stress over weight and food. Both yesterday and this morning I get on the scale and I am down to 94.5 pounds (43kg's). I know it is not the lightest I have been but I am not far off again with less than a pound to loose to get back there.
I have not really been terribly strict on myself recently, have been watching calories but not exactly starving myself or over exercising and voila back to a weight I can cope with again. My skinny jeans fit me comfy and I have a huge grin on my face, feeling confident and happy.
Hubby and I went to an office warming of a client's last night. I was pretty good considering the wonderful yummy (read that as disgustingly fattening) food they had. I stuck to the smoked salmon and cream cheese on potato pancakes which rang me up a total of around 600 calories *gasp*. They were oh so worth it though ... absolutely delicious and some thing I certainly will incorporate as a nice dinner in future, hubby loved them.
Some thing that came out of last night that I found interesting. When hubby mentioned that I was on a "diet" people commented: "But WHY you are so small??". Firstly I am not on a diet, I watch my weight and yes I hope to loose a few pounds yet but I consider CRON a way of life, of eating healthy for my health. Perhaps I am a little obsessive over it but just remember that this blog IS specifically about this side of my life so what I write here is naturally obsessive about the subject. However this comment strikes me as rather amusing as I HAVE to work on my body daily to look the way I do, if I didn't well then I would be a lot heavier, so why make that kind of comment. Obviously I have to watch my calorie intake, exercises regularly and keep a check on all of this to look the way I do. It is a work in progress just like body builders or gymnasts or ballerina's or athletes are obsessed with their diets and exercises. It's not like I can walk into a shop and purchase a certain weight. So just because I am not one of the above mentioned and just a "normal" person I do not have the right to look the way I do? That working on my body is in some way wrong?
I have not really been terribly strict on myself recently, have been watching calories but not exactly starving myself or over exercising and voila back to a weight I can cope with again. My skinny jeans fit me comfy and I have a huge grin on my face, feeling confident and happy.
Hubby and I went to an office warming of a client's last night. I was pretty good considering the wonderful yummy (read that as disgustingly fattening) food they had. I stuck to the smoked salmon and cream cheese on potato pancakes which rang me up a total of around 600 calories *gasp*. They were oh so worth it though ... absolutely delicious and some thing I certainly will incorporate as a nice dinner in future, hubby loved them.
Some thing that came out of last night that I found interesting. When hubby mentioned that I was on a "diet" people commented: "But WHY you are so small??". Firstly I am not on a diet, I watch my weight and yes I hope to loose a few pounds yet but I consider CRON a way of life, of eating healthy for my health. Perhaps I am a little obsessive over it but just remember that this blog IS specifically about this side of my life so what I write here is naturally obsessive about the subject. However this comment strikes me as rather amusing as I HAVE to work on my body daily to look the way I do, if I didn't well then I would be a lot heavier, so why make that kind of comment. Obviously I have to watch my calorie intake, exercises regularly and keep a check on all of this to look the way I do. It is a work in progress just like body builders or gymnasts or ballerina's or athletes are obsessed with their diets and exercises. It's not like I can walk into a shop and purchase a certain weight. So just because I am not one of the above mentioned and just a "normal" person I do not have the right to look the way I do? That working on my body is in some way wrong?
Monday, April 21, 2008
Alcohol
I gave up alcohol a good number of weeks ago now .... hmmmm perhaps even over 2 months?
Over the week-end I put a few drops of Rum into my afternoon drinks (sparkling lemon/lime water) it added an interesting taste. When I say a few drops I mean my entire alcohol intake was 2 grams per drink so gave me an alcohol % so low I reasoned it was not even worth considering alcoholic. Both Saturday and Sunday I ended up with raging head aches. I think even at such a low addition of alcohol my body said "No way, not a chance, ain't lettin ya". I find this rather interesting that my body has rejected alcohol to such an extent ... from being a heavy drinker to not even being able to touch even a drop kind of makes me quite proud of my body.
Wish it would react like that to "bad" foods, perhaps a little nausea when I look at fatty or sweet food ... hmmmm?
Over the week-end I put a few drops of Rum into my afternoon drinks (sparkling lemon/lime water) it added an interesting taste. When I say a few drops I mean my entire alcohol intake was 2 grams per drink so gave me an alcohol % so low I reasoned it was not even worth considering alcoholic. Both Saturday and Sunday I ended up with raging head aches. I think even at such a low addition of alcohol my body said "No way, not a chance, ain't lettin ya". I find this rather interesting that my body has rejected alcohol to such an extent ... from being a heavy drinker to not even being able to touch even a drop kind of makes me quite proud of my body.
Wish it would react like that to "bad" foods, perhaps a little nausea when I look at fatty or sweet food ... hmmmm?
Motivation
I am in a happy place.
This is a problem as my motivation for weight loss is when I am stressed, upset or unhappy. Funny thing that when things are good my body screams for food. When things are bad I simply cannot eat.
Well I ain't going to go make myself depressed to loose weight and I cannot seem to find the motivation to stick to a "fall over and die starving" no calorie intake. I seem to have stabilised around 97 pounds (44kg's) now with a calorie intake of 700 - 1000 per day. I would really like to have stabilised at a lower weight though. I feel rather heavy at this weight, I feel chubby and ewww. Like my body is slathered in a layer of blubber.
Well we shall see how things go this week, I have decided to give up on the idea of a goal right now. I have my prelim tattoo design consultation tomorrow. I promised myself I would not do this if I was not down to at least 93 pounds. Well looks like I am going to break my promise to myself.
Our weather is getting colder and colder, I am craving warm fatty food. Stupid hibernation mood has set in preparing for winter. I seem to get way too cold when I weigh 93 pounds, I think my body has baulked at that.
This is a problem as my motivation for weight loss is when I am stressed, upset or unhappy. Funny thing that when things are good my body screams for food. When things are bad I simply cannot eat.
Well I ain't going to go make myself depressed to loose weight and I cannot seem to find the motivation to stick to a "fall over and die starving" no calorie intake. I seem to have stabilised around 97 pounds (44kg's) now with a calorie intake of 700 - 1000 per day. I would really like to have stabilised at a lower weight though. I feel rather heavy at this weight, I feel chubby and ewww. Like my body is slathered in a layer of blubber.
Well we shall see how things go this week, I have decided to give up on the idea of a goal right now. I have my prelim tattoo design consultation tomorrow. I promised myself I would not do this if I was not down to at least 93 pounds. Well looks like I am going to break my promise to myself.
Our weather is getting colder and colder, I am craving warm fatty food. Stupid hibernation mood has set in preparing for winter. I seem to get way too cold when I weigh 93 pounds, I think my body has baulked at that.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Pizza
So all the chatter about keeping it simple, forgetting about food and trying to get back to low calories ... well we are getting there slowly I just need to forget about food and concentrate rather on CRON. Keep it low but don't obsess.
Right so Hubby comes home from seeing a client and whisks me off to the mall to go gadget shopping. I was absolutely ravenous and craving Pizza desperately. I love Pizza like there is no tomorrow. I suggested we go to the Italian restaurant for lunch but he is a bit of a claustrophobic and could not handle the amount of people at the mall so we wandered off home with a quick stop in at our local food shop.
I bought a few ingredients to make my own Pizza here it is at just over 300 cal and I am stuffed!
70g slice of rye bread slightly toasted
40g caned tomato with Italian herbs (smooshed)
10g capers
10g sandwich ham
30g grape tomato's
40g mozzarella cheese
10g bell pepper chilli's
Suffice to say my craving for Pizza is now sated and I think I can comfortably say dinner is not even some thing I feel like considering and as a 3.30pm lunch was late enough to take care of dinner too.
Right so Hubby comes home from seeing a client and whisks me off to the mall to go gadget shopping. I was absolutely ravenous and craving Pizza desperately. I love Pizza like there is no tomorrow. I suggested we go to the Italian restaurant for lunch but he is a bit of a claustrophobic and could not handle the amount of people at the mall so we wandered off home with a quick stop in at our local food shop.
I bought a few ingredients to make my own Pizza here it is at just over 300 cal and I am stuffed!
70g slice of rye bread slightly toasted
40g caned tomato with Italian herbs (smooshed)
10g capers
10g sandwich ham
30g grape tomato's
40g mozzarella cheese
10g bell pepper chilli's
Suffice to say my craving for Pizza is now sated and I think I can comfortably say dinner is not even some thing I feel like considering and as a 3.30pm lunch was late enough to take care of dinner too.
Food obsession
I am pretty sure this "food obsession" I have is in fact doing the opposite of what I want to do.
Counting calories, having to monitor every single thing that goes into my mouth has made things worse for me. I constantly think of food, I constantly worry about what the scale will say and it is actually pissing me off.
With thinking of food all the time and planning my next meal I am causing myself to binge uncontrollably. I have never done this before. Last night after working really hard and having a great low cal day. I sat down and ate a huge bowl of oats ... WTF?
It's like my mind is sabotaging me or some thing. Before I became "obsessed" with trying to eat healthy I think I actually ate a whole lot less. Well the proof is that I lost a fair amount of weight by just eating only when I was hungry.
Now I am not hungry but I am already plotting what I should eat today ... STUPID or what?
So for the next week I am going to try to go back to how things were before ... eat when hungry, when I eat I will make it healthy low fat food. I will not weigh myself until next week Friday and see what happens.
Now I have all these low cal muffins, fruit, veg the fridge is stocked with all these good foods and yet it taunts me as I have to ration myself constantly.
I swear to god every time I look at the fridge those god damn muffins start up a mantra of "eat me, eat me!!!"
So out went the muffins, out went all the "low cal - good snacks" that I had baked. That is food that I do not ordinarily eat.
Back to basics ...
Breakfast will be fruit & maple water.
Lunch will be smoothy or soup.
Dinner will be salad.
Keep it simple, get rid of the snacks and lets try it again.
Counting calories, having to monitor every single thing that goes into my mouth has made things worse for me. I constantly think of food, I constantly worry about what the scale will say and it is actually pissing me off.
With thinking of food all the time and planning my next meal I am causing myself to binge uncontrollably. I have never done this before. Last night after working really hard and having a great low cal day. I sat down and ate a huge bowl of oats ... WTF?
It's like my mind is sabotaging me or some thing. Before I became "obsessed" with trying to eat healthy I think I actually ate a whole lot less. Well the proof is that I lost a fair amount of weight by just eating only when I was hungry.
Now I am not hungry but I am already plotting what I should eat today ... STUPID or what?
So for the next week I am going to try to go back to how things were before ... eat when hungry, when I eat I will make it healthy low fat food. I will not weigh myself until next week Friday and see what happens.
Now I have all these low cal muffins, fruit, veg the fridge is stocked with all these good foods and yet it taunts me as I have to ration myself constantly.
I swear to god every time I look at the fridge those god damn muffins start up a mantra of "eat me, eat me!!!"
So out went the muffins, out went all the "low cal - good snacks" that I had baked. That is food that I do not ordinarily eat.
Back to basics ...
Breakfast will be fruit & maple water.
Lunch will be smoothy or soup.
Dinner will be salad.
Keep it simple, get rid of the snacks and lets try it again.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Milkshake
I have recently started trying to begin the day off with a healthy breakfast especially one that is high in fibre to fill me up so this morning I tried some thing new ...
A really yummy milkshake:
100g papaya
30g no fat milk or lite fruit juice
150g no fat natural yogurt
5g Psyllium husks
10g Whey powder
A couple of ice blocks
Blended in a smoothy maker or food processor.
Calories: 150 = 15.7g protein, 21.8g carbs, 5.4g fibre, 1.8g fat
It gave me a large portion of my needed protein and fibre and completely filled me up. Was tasty too.
I find if I do not have a filling breakfast and try to skip to eating only at around 11 am or so my desire for food in the evening is much stronger. So I am now trying to have a good meal early. We shall see how it goes.
I lost 200g since yesterday (still have 4.6 pounds to loose in 10 days) so I am back on track and feeling far more positive today. I think my period really came at a bad time. I defiantly seem to get overly emotional, depressed and or course have zero will power. I also get terribly lazy and do not feel like exercising at all. Well I am now up to a whole 5 minutes of skipping with out falling over exhausted. I have hung the skipping rope next to the microwave, every time I wander into the kitchen I plan to do 5 minutes of skipping ... that could add up to quite a bit LOL.
I have worked out my day and it is looking good at around 400 cal even though we are going out for lunch. Our regular restaurant is very good to me, they prepare the most amazing calamari / squid salad with no dressing.
I was reading up yesterday that a few small meals through out the day boosts the metabolism rather than trying to limit to one or two meals a day.
A really yummy milkshake:
100g papaya
30g no fat milk or lite fruit juice
150g no fat natural yogurt
5g Psyllium husks
10g Whey powder
A couple of ice blocks
Blended in a smoothy maker or food processor.
Calories: 150 = 15.7g protein, 21.8g carbs, 5.4g fibre, 1.8g fat
It gave me a large portion of my needed protein and fibre and completely filled me up. Was tasty too.
I find if I do not have a filling breakfast and try to skip to eating only at around 11 am or so my desire for food in the evening is much stronger. So I am now trying to have a good meal early. We shall see how it goes.
I lost 200g since yesterday (still have 4.6 pounds to loose in 10 days) so I am back on track and feeling far more positive today. I think my period really came at a bad time. I defiantly seem to get overly emotional, depressed and or course have zero will power. I also get terribly lazy and do not feel like exercising at all. Well I am now up to a whole 5 minutes of skipping with out falling over exhausted. I have hung the skipping rope next to the microwave, every time I wander into the kitchen I plan to do 5 minutes of skipping ... that could add up to quite a bit LOL.
I have worked out my day and it is looking good at around 400 cal even though we are going out for lunch. Our regular restaurant is very good to me, they prepare the most amazing calamari / squid salad with no dressing.
I was reading up yesterday that a few small meals through out the day boosts the metabolism rather than trying to limit to one or two meals a day.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Together
I have decided to leave the previous post up as a reminder to how dark things can get when dealing with my "issues".
Some days it goes like that, some days can be really dark and difficult BUT I choose to do some thing positive about it and not end up falling off the bus.
One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one day at a time.
There will always be set backs but if one chooses to look at the negative one will fall off the waggon. On one side is the "I give up, I am not strong enough for this" and I revert back to the "larger" side of life. The other side of the waggon is the side I was talking about this morning ... "I will starve myself, just stop eating and all will be thin again". Neither of these are options I wish to take.
So I went out and bought a skipping rope ... wow I can skip for an entire minute with out falling over from exhaustion (how funny is that). So now I have a new challenge. I want to get up to skipping for at least 1/2 an hour at a stretch. I also sat down and planned my meals for the day and came out at 520 cal giving myself all the nutrients etc that I need and even a treat of low cal hot chocolate ... YAY.
I feel better already ... I feel stronger and I can continue with this. I just have to remind myself that it is a way of life and NOT a quick answer. Oh yeah and my period is almost over.
I have a week and a half to get down to 90 pounds (5 pounds to loose) .... oh well I guess I will just have to do a lot of skipping to get there.
Some days it goes like that, some days can be really dark and difficult BUT I choose to do some thing positive about it and not end up falling off the bus.
One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one day at a time.
There will always be set backs but if one chooses to look at the negative one will fall off the waggon. On one side is the "I give up, I am not strong enough for this" and I revert back to the "larger" side of life. The other side of the waggon is the side I was talking about this morning ... "I will starve myself, just stop eating and all will be thin again". Neither of these are options I wish to take.
So I went out and bought a skipping rope ... wow I can skip for an entire minute with out falling over from exhaustion (how funny is that). So now I have a new challenge. I want to get up to skipping for at least 1/2 an hour at a stretch. I also sat down and planned my meals for the day and came out at 520 cal giving myself all the nutrients etc that I need and even a treat of low cal hot chocolate ... YAY.
I feel better already ... I feel stronger and I can continue with this. I just have to remind myself that it is a way of life and NOT a quick answer. Oh yeah and my period is almost over.
I have a week and a half to get down to 90 pounds (5 pounds to loose) .... oh well I guess I will just have to do a lot of skipping to get there.
Frustration
I have gained weight ... I have gone up almost 2 pounds in the past few days and the only reason I can think of is my gawd-damed period.
I feel depressed, I feel bloated and I feel completely defeated. I have no strength ... I just want to cry. I feel like all the work I have done in the past weeks is coming unravelled. I could see it creeping up on me yesterday. I was good I had less than 500 cal for the entire day. I exercised but it did no good ... the fat crept up and bit my ass.
I hate that my mood is so affected by the digits on that scale. I woke up this morning in such a bad mood ... I just knew I should not get on the scale that I had gained weight. I can feel it in my face. I feel like I have chip monk cheeks. My confidence has departed, I feel like a blimp.
The worst part of all of this is I cannot get back on track ... I cannot cope, I cannot deal with food right now. I cannot deal with eating. I know I have to and I have to eat my way through this because the alternative is not a place I want to go to.
Please give me the strength to just not think today, to not have this obsession ...
I feel depressed, I feel bloated and I feel completely defeated. I have no strength ... I just want to cry. I feel like all the work I have done in the past weeks is coming unravelled. I could see it creeping up on me yesterday. I was good I had less than 500 cal for the entire day. I exercised but it did no good ... the fat crept up and bit my ass.
I hate that my mood is so affected by the digits on that scale. I woke up this morning in such a bad mood ... I just knew I should not get on the scale that I had gained weight. I can feel it in my face. I feel like I have chip monk cheeks. My confidence has departed, I feel like a blimp.
The worst part of all of this is I cannot get back on track ... I cannot cope, I cannot deal with food right now. I cannot deal with eating. I know I have to and I have to eat my way through this because the alternative is not a place I want to go to.
Please give me the strength to just not think today, to not have this obsession ...
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Getting back under control
The hardest part of this is when one slips up and binges. I have to constantly remind myself not to go up-chuck. That I need to beat that demon.
Last night I binged ... I ate around 300 - 400 calories more than I should have ... OK so what I ate was not exactly "bad food" but still I lost control and it frustrates me no end. I now have to deal with the emotional turmoil and guilt. The progress is that I did not go and purge.
I am kind of stuck for the past few days at a certain weight and ever time I am "good" I fall over and go over my calorie limit putting myself back up a few 100 grams. It is terribly frustrating. I just want to loose 500 grams before the end of the week. I have two weeks to loose 3 pounds and it is these last 3 that are giving me night mares.
I need rules and I need to stick to my diet and exercise ... no excuses.
I think today I should go get myself a jump rope and do 1/2 hour per day, this should improve my mussel tone and burn off those few extra calories if I do slip up. I have not been exercising as vigorously as I am used to, I have been using "that time of the month" as an excuse for my laziness and for this I am paying the price with no weight loss.
No excuses, complete control, rules, attitude! .... Pull it together, two weeks to go.
Last night I binged ... I ate around 300 - 400 calories more than I should have ... OK so what I ate was not exactly "bad food" but still I lost control and it frustrates me no end. I now have to deal with the emotional turmoil and guilt. The progress is that I did not go and purge.
I am kind of stuck for the past few days at a certain weight and ever time I am "good" I fall over and go over my calorie limit putting myself back up a few 100 grams. It is terribly frustrating. I just want to loose 500 grams before the end of the week. I have two weeks to loose 3 pounds and it is these last 3 that are giving me night mares.
I need rules and I need to stick to my diet and exercise ... no excuses.
I think today I should go get myself a jump rope and do 1/2 hour per day, this should improve my mussel tone and burn off those few extra calories if I do slip up. I have not been exercising as vigorously as I am used to, I have been using "that time of the month" as an excuse for my laziness and for this I am paying the price with no weight loss.
No excuses, complete control, rules, attitude! .... Pull it together, two weeks to go.
Friday, April 11, 2008
A huge step
Last night I took a huge step. I ate a Magnum "Death by Chocolate" ice cream. 100grams = 300 calories. I didn't throw it up, even though I so desperately wanted to. It is the first junk food I have had in months. My fat intake for the day went through the roof but I will cut my fat intake for a few days and that should balance it out.
I worked out that it was equivalent to a large glass of wine and could work it off with one hour of playing Wii (which I did after).
This morning I had not lost any weight but then again I had not gained so I am OK with that, my calorie intake for yesterday was the highest it has ever been at around 1000 cal. I kind of recon that my metabolism probably got such a shock it had no idea what to do.
I had one of my bran muffin's this morning for breakfast which makes me go to the toilet like clock work, gawd I love those things!!!
Today we are going for lunch with friends to a fish restaurant ... have no idea what to eat as fish is pretty high in fat content. I guess I will just have tuna or some thing with a salad, no dressing. I am saving up my calories for this and will try to keep my calories at around 400 for the day.
Going out to restaurants has become really hard for me as I have no control over how many calories or what is going into the food.
I worked out that it was equivalent to a large glass of wine and could work it off with one hour of playing Wii (which I did after).
This morning I had not lost any weight but then again I had not gained so I am OK with that, my calorie intake for yesterday was the highest it has ever been at around 1000 cal. I kind of recon that my metabolism probably got such a shock it had no idea what to do.
I had one of my bran muffin's this morning for breakfast which makes me go to the toilet like clock work, gawd I love those things!!!
Today we are going for lunch with friends to a fish restaurant ... have no idea what to eat as fish is pretty high in fat content. I guess I will just have tuna or some thing with a salad, no dressing. I am saving up my calories for this and will try to keep my calories at around 400 for the day.
Going out to restaurants has become really hard for me as I have no control over how many calories or what is going into the food.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The cycle
Starve, binge, purge ... the mantra of bulimics.
I have been caught in this cycle before. It is very addictive and very hard to break away from.
Problem is this is not a great weight loss "diet". Most bulimics are not thin. You suffer from the "moon face" syndrome acquiring a round bloated looking face. Your throat is always sore and the smell of stomach acid is always in your nose. Your teeth rot. Not at all nice. Is it really worth emptying your entire stomach contents to only loose around 50% of the calories?
Hmmmm I think not.
This is why I so enjoy CRON.
With restricting calories you loose weight. Perhaps not a pound a day but it slowly comes off if you do it right, I weigh myself daily and make adjustments, if I have lost too much I up my calorie intake for that day, if I have not lost a few grams then I drop my calories or try to get a bit more exercise. I don't really view this as a diet rather a healthy way of eating, taking care of my body and giving it every thing it needs while still loosing weight. I am in control of this, it is no longer in control of me.
If I am hungry or feeling a bit dizzy I will eat, no deprivation. I have learned from the "starve, binge, purge" cycle that when you do not give your body what it requires the bulimia bug bites. If you give your body the nutrients, minerals, including fat your body does not crave. So no yo-yo-ing and no mood swings or depression. I usually eat 2-3 meals a day.
Works for me.
I have been caught in this cycle before. It is very addictive and very hard to break away from.
Problem is this is not a great weight loss "diet". Most bulimics are not thin. You suffer from the "moon face" syndrome acquiring a round bloated looking face. Your throat is always sore and the smell of stomach acid is always in your nose. Your teeth rot. Not at all nice. Is it really worth emptying your entire stomach contents to only loose around 50% of the calories?
Hmmmm I think not.
This is why I so enjoy CRON.
With restricting calories you loose weight. Perhaps not a pound a day but it slowly comes off if you do it right, I weigh myself daily and make adjustments, if I have lost too much I up my calorie intake for that day, if I have not lost a few grams then I drop my calories or try to get a bit more exercise. I don't really view this as a diet rather a healthy way of eating, taking care of my body and giving it every thing it needs while still loosing weight. I am in control of this, it is no longer in control of me.
If I am hungry or feeling a bit dizzy I will eat, no deprivation. I have learned from the "starve, binge, purge" cycle that when you do not give your body what it requires the bulimia bug bites. If you give your body the nutrients, minerals, including fat your body does not crave. So no yo-yo-ing and no mood swings or depression. I usually eat 2-3 meals a day.
Works for me.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Bran Muffins
This is a fantastic recipe for bran muffins. They are perfectly balanced ... with protein, carb & omega3 &6. You could almost live on them. They are full of minerals and vitamines too.
Per 120grams (= 2 X Muffins measured at wet weight) 160 Calories
Protein: 3.2 grams
Carbs: 13.5 grams
Fibre: 3.5 grams
Fat: 2.1 grams which is split into 6% Omega3 & 5% Omega6 required daily intake.
Heat oven to 180 deg Centigrade / 360 deg Fahrenheit.
50g Soy flour
50g Whole wheat flour
50g Crushed Almonds (fine like flour)
100g rolled Oats
50g Bran
10g Psyllium husks
10g Baking power
5g Bicarbonate Soda
Sift the flour's into a bowl throw back the grain from the whole wheat flour & add the rest of the dry ingredients.
In a smoothy maker or blender add the following:
180g Banana
200g Apple with skin
200g Cantaloupe / Melon
10g Canola Oil
250ml Water
Blend all together then add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and mix together gently.
2 X egg whites = 60g Egg white beaten stiff
25g brown sugar beat into egg white
25g Maple syrup
10g Vanilla essence
Beat this together till very stiff.
Gently stir into your muffin mix.
Spray your muffin pan with a low cal non stick spray. VERY lightly spray 22-24 paper muffin cups with low cal non stick spray.
Spoon 60 grams into paper muffin cups and place into muffin tray.
Bake for 25 minutes or until a tooth pic inserted into centre of muffin comes out clean.
Two of these (100g dry weight) fill me up very nicely as a breakfast or even lunch.
Per 120grams (= 2 X Muffins measured at wet weight) 160 Calories
Protein: 3.2 grams
Carbs: 13.5 grams
Fibre: 3.5 grams
Fat: 2.1 grams which is split into 6% Omega3 & 5% Omega6 required daily intake.
Heat oven to 180 deg Centigrade / 360 deg Fahrenheit.
50g Soy flour
50g Whole wheat flour
50g Crushed Almonds (fine like flour)
100g rolled Oats
50g Bran
10g Psyllium husks
10g Baking power
5g Bicarbonate Soda
Sift the flour's into a bowl throw back the grain from the whole wheat flour & add the rest of the dry ingredients.
In a smoothy maker or blender add the following:
180g Banana
200g Apple with skin
200g Cantaloupe / Melon
10g Canola Oil
250ml Water
Blend all together then add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and mix together gently.
2 X egg whites = 60g Egg white beaten stiff
25g brown sugar beat into egg white
25g Maple syrup
10g Vanilla essence
Beat this together till very stiff.
Gently stir into your muffin mix.
Spray your muffin pan with a low cal non stick spray. VERY lightly spray 22-24 paper muffin cups with low cal non stick spray.
Spoon 60 grams into paper muffin cups and place into muffin tray.
Bake for 25 minutes or until a tooth pic inserted into centre of muffin comes out clean.
Two of these (100g dry weight) fill me up very nicely as a breakfast or even lunch.
Where to sugar?
After struggling with binge / purge / restricting ways from the age of 14 and into my teens I eventually found an even keel and put my Eating disorder on the back burner opting for a more "healthy" view of food and exercise. My weight stabilised. I have been a restricter of sorts since then and I have kept an eagle eye on my weight. Though my weight was much higher than it is presently around the 100 - 110 pounds (45-50kg's) mark which is fairly slim but not exactly skinny for my height. Then again I never really was skinny ... no one ever knew of my strange relationship with food because outwardly I was normal ... inside the monster seethed.
My Ed never really left me ... it simmered gently at the back of my mind. I open a chocolate and a voice whispers in my ear ... "Is that really necessary? What will you weigh tomorrow for eating that?" However for a good number of years the monster has been quelled, quietly sleeping.
So why has he woken up again?
Not too sure really. For Christmas we got a Nintendo Wii and my husband and I have been playing for a minimum of one hour pretty much every single day. I dropped a bit of weight, my muscle development has been amazing. I started feeling really really good ...
I have been a pretty heavy white wine drinker for about 6 years now ... when I say heavy I mean REALLY heavy ... more than a bottle of wine per day. I am not a very nice person when I get drunk, I get very nasty and hubby and I have had some serious fights ... especially in the past year or so. I have flirted with giving up drinking but it has never really stuck. Things have been getting worse and worse between us and I hate myself for this. After a particularly bad fight I went cold turkey on the alcohol ...
About 2 months ago I got a very bad tummy bug. I could not eat anything for a few days, could not even get out of bed. Hubby bundled me up and took me to the doctor and I was prescribed anti-biotic and of course no alcohol. I loved the care and concern my husband was giving me while I was ill. I lost more weight ... I was now down to around 100 pounds (45kg's).
Between the alcohol induced fighting with my hubby, the illness, the eventual stopping the alcohol and a few other factors I went through a patch of really really bad depression .... my ugly monster woke up, I was out of control and he came back to help me regain it in the only way I knew how. I started fasting ... starving myself for a few days then I would binge, then I would feel bad and purge ahhh the fickle idea of the monster being in control. I was down to around 98 pounds (44kg's) and I was in a very dark pit.
I loved the weight loss, my body was looking good but my mind was in a bad space, the starving was causing really bad mood swings making things even worse. I needed a solution and I needed to take control of the monster.
Thanks Google ... I owe you my life. My searching brought me to the CRON website via an ex-anorexic. I had found a way to give my body what it needed and still loose weight. I had found my solution and a way to channel my energy in a more positive way. My addiction for alcohol has now been put to good use and I now calorie count. A light appeared at the end of the tunnel and although I am still loosing weight I have never been healthier, fitter or happier.
I have found my solution, I have my addiction, I have my control and I am now trying to balance it all out.
My Ed never really left me ... it simmered gently at the back of my mind. I open a chocolate and a voice whispers in my ear ... "Is that really necessary? What will you weigh tomorrow for eating that?" However for a good number of years the monster has been quelled, quietly sleeping.
So why has he woken up again?
Not too sure really. For Christmas we got a Nintendo Wii and my husband and I have been playing for a minimum of one hour pretty much every single day. I dropped a bit of weight, my muscle development has been amazing. I started feeling really really good ...
I have been a pretty heavy white wine drinker for about 6 years now ... when I say heavy I mean REALLY heavy ... more than a bottle of wine per day. I am not a very nice person when I get drunk, I get very nasty and hubby and I have had some serious fights ... especially in the past year or so. I have flirted with giving up drinking but it has never really stuck. Things have been getting worse and worse between us and I hate myself for this. After a particularly bad fight I went cold turkey on the alcohol ...
About 2 months ago I got a very bad tummy bug. I could not eat anything for a few days, could not even get out of bed. Hubby bundled me up and took me to the doctor and I was prescribed anti-biotic and of course no alcohol. I loved the care and concern my husband was giving me while I was ill. I lost more weight ... I was now down to around 100 pounds (45kg's).
Between the alcohol induced fighting with my hubby, the illness, the eventual stopping the alcohol and a few other factors I went through a patch of really really bad depression .... my ugly monster woke up, I was out of control and he came back to help me regain it in the only way I knew how. I started fasting ... starving myself for a few days then I would binge, then I would feel bad and purge ahhh the fickle idea of the monster being in control. I was down to around 98 pounds (44kg's) and I was in a very dark pit.
I loved the weight loss, my body was looking good but my mind was in a bad space, the starving was causing really bad mood swings making things even worse. I needed a solution and I needed to take control of the monster.
Thanks Google ... I owe you my life. My searching brought me to the CRON website via an ex-anorexic. I had found a way to give my body what it needed and still loose weight. I had found my solution and a way to channel my energy in a more positive way. My addiction for alcohol has now been put to good use and I now calorie count. A light appeared at the end of the tunnel and although I am still loosing weight I have never been healthier, fitter or happier.
I have found my solution, I have my addiction, I have my control and I am now trying to balance it all out.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Introduction
I have started this blog as a diary for myself. I am working things out, trying to find a balance and I think writing my story will help me.
Introduction: My name is Leela (pseudo name of course) I have had issues surrounding weight and eating since I can remember.
Lets start with my current statistics then we can move swiftly on:
Current Weight: 43kg's = 94.6 pounds
Height: 1.57m = 5'2
Goal weight: 41kg's = 90.2 pounds
Highest weight: 50kg's = 110 pounds
Lowest weight: current weight
Age: 34 on 29 April
BMI: 17.3
Body Fat: 11.6
I have had issues with anorexia & bulimia over the past 20 years. I have been a calorie restrict'er all my life, some times more obsessive than other times. I do not plan this blog to be any kind of tool to anorexics or bulimics, this is not my intention however it is part of who I am and I am guessing will centre a lot around this subject. I do NOT advocate / endorse / encourage these diseases however I am trying to find a balance for myself and this is what this blog is all about.
I am married and do not have children. I have two sisters and a mom ... all severely over weight. My husband is thin with a BMI of 18.5 ... he can eat anything even at 38 years old *sigh*.
I have recently found the CRON way of life and have found this to be a light at the end of the tunnel. For me this is a way to channel my obsession with food, calorie counting, scale watching and general addictive behaviour. I have never been healthier, fitter, or happier with my body as I am right now thanks to this. I have recently come to believe that one can be an anorexic and still be healthy and I hope that with this blog I can share my experience.
I am also an alcoholic. I have recently gone cold turkey and given up alcohol ... not only for my health and good grief the calories in that stuff but also because I get very nasty when I drink, my poor husband gets the brunt of it so to loose weight and save my marriage I divorced the bottle.
Unlike most eating disorder "book cases" I have never been sexually abused.
Please note I would not classify myself as an anorexic though. I have never been diagnosed or treated for any eating disorder. I do recommend that if you think you have an eating disorder that you talk to some one about it and find the necessary help.
Introduction: My name is Leela (pseudo name of course) I have had issues surrounding weight and eating since I can remember.
Lets start with my current statistics then we can move swiftly on:
Current Weight: 43kg's = 94.6 pounds
Height: 1.57m = 5'2
Goal weight: 41kg's = 90.2 pounds
Highest weight: 50kg's = 110 pounds
Lowest weight: current weight
Age: 34 on 29 April
BMI: 17.3
Body Fat: 11.6
I have had issues with anorexia & bulimia over the past 20 years. I have been a calorie restrict'er all my life, some times more obsessive than other times. I do not plan this blog to be any kind of tool to anorexics or bulimics, this is not my intention however it is part of who I am and I am guessing will centre a lot around this subject. I do NOT advocate / endorse / encourage these diseases however I am trying to find a balance for myself and this is what this blog is all about.
I am married and do not have children. I have two sisters and a mom ... all severely over weight. My husband is thin with a BMI of 18.5 ... he can eat anything even at 38 years old *sigh*.
I have recently found the CRON way of life and have found this to be a light at the end of the tunnel. For me this is a way to channel my obsession with food, calorie counting, scale watching and general addictive behaviour. I have never been healthier, fitter, or happier with my body as I am right now thanks to this. I have recently come to believe that one can be an anorexic and still be healthy and I hope that with this blog I can share my experience.
I am also an alcoholic. I have recently gone cold turkey and given up alcohol ... not only for my health and good grief the calories in that stuff but also because I get very nasty when I drink, my poor husband gets the brunt of it so to loose weight and save my marriage I divorced the bottle.
Unlike most eating disorder "book cases" I have never been sexually abused.
Please note I would not classify myself as an anorexic though. I have never been diagnosed or treated for any eating disorder. I do recommend that if you think you have an eating disorder that you talk to some one about it and find the necessary help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Atom Feed (xml)