Binging

I have been on an almost week long binge. Reason for it is that I dipped down under 88 pounds / 40kg's and it really gave me a bit of a shock, I really do not need to be at such a low weight. I would like to stay above 89 pounds / 40.5kg's. My week long binge has resulted in me getting to 91.3 pounds / 41.5kg's and that's ok ... I can cope with that. I assume it is around time for my period and hence the binging has set in, my body is like that.

Today has been good though and I have been trying to get back onto the healthy CRON eating way again. I don't like how the binging and un-healthy eating has affected my energy levels. I have been sleeping a whole lot more, up to 10 hours per day, usually I only sleep around 7-8 hours. I need to settle down and rather eat more calories through good food with higher nutrients. I guess we all fall off the band wagon some times and I think I needed this week to prove to myself how my un-healthy eating is really not so good for me.

Hubby & I met up with some friends yesterday while out to lunch. They are a gay couple and they both agreed that I am looking really good and healthy. I think their "approval" of my lower weight has made Hubby feel more comfortable. I did however have three frozen margarita's ... alcohol that I have had really very little of in gosh a LONG time. I had to come home and sleep it off.

I am off to go do some Yoga on the Wii...

Time

Good grief where does the time go??? I look around and an entire week has disappeared.

These past few days have simply been unbelievably hectic and I am glad they are over. I have been unbelievably stressed.

Stress has always been a major weight loss factor for me. I am one of those ... "I don't have time to eat" types. So I have gone slightly under my GW despite when I have eaten it has generally been really high calorie foods like lasagna, croutons, chocolate mousse, chocolate, sweets and things that as a health conscious person I really should be eating in moderation BUT the last few days it seems that is all I have had time for.

I have been tracking my calorie intake on CRON and some days it ventured as high as 3000 calories *gasp* but with the stress I seem to have burned it off at just as rapidly. I guess if I was just sitting behind a PC all day I would have gone up in weight but I have been running around like a lunatic.

Due to the time constraints I have not been getting to my Yoga or Wii and I really miss it. I hope to start again today. This brings me to a bit of a quandary that I face...

Every time I get onto the Wii it tells me "too low / underweight" my Hubby has a near fit. Now despite my extra eating I have lost a few grams so I am hesitant to step onto the Wii for fear of him having a thrombosis. Some people fear getting on a scale because they may have picked up weight ... I have this fear because my husband has made my weight into such an issue. Despite his constant negative comments about my small frame he continues to tell me I am "obsessed with food and constantly eating" ...

Wants and needs

Let us not beat around the bush here ... my husband wants me to pick up weight. He says I am too "bony".

The facts are as follows:

I weigh between 41 - 42kg's (90 - 92.4 pounds) and have been maintaining this through a healthy constantly monitored diet.
I am short at 5ft2. My BMI is around 17 which is technically "underweight" as 18 would be considered "perfect" by the Wii which is what he is. If I weighed 45kg's = 100 pounds I would be at an 18 BMI. When I weighed 45kg's my husband told me I was FAT. I have lost a mere 3kg's - that is really not very much. Quite frankly I like the way I look now as I have said a few times here.

I gave up alcohol and realised I had major issues with eating. I have worked really hard to combat my eating disorder over the past few months by working with CRON to keep myself healthy. I have worked hard at obtaining lean muscles by exercise and doing Wii. I am truly un-willing to go back to 45kg's and be called FAT again, I simply REFUSE, I think it would break me.

I am currently eating a healthy balanced diet, am able to control my calorie intake knowingly and pretty much eat what ever I want with in reason. My weight is stable now. I no longer bounce around with my starve / binge major issues I had, I actually EAT 3 meals per day now. I am now in control and I like it. I also like how my clothes fit me and how I look. Yes perhaps I am a little bony now with no more love handles and rounded curves, a little more angular and delicate looking, but when I had them love handles and "flabby" thighs 3kg's ago and a seriously un-healthy view of food ... neither of us liked my body.

I like this body and I think I will keep it ... thank you very much!

Not knowing

I have encountered a rather interesting problem.

Normally when I go out for lunch I have to estimate what I have eaten. I have a feeling I could be over estimating the calories I consume. In some ways I guess this is a good thing if I were still trying to loose weight but now that I am trying to maintain my weight it causes issues. NOT knowing how many calories I have consumed at an away from home meal where I cannot weigh or accurately calculate means that for the rest of that day I am perhaps a little over cautious about what I am eating.

Since I gave up alcohol (where I was getting about 1000 - 2000 calories daily in a wine glass) I have been having great difficulty EATING my daily allocation of calories. Sounds strange but I literally have to force myself to eat solid food. This is technically one of the reasons why my "issues" started and I do put some blame on alcohol for my current situation. I literally have no concept of eating so much food. I would say when I was drinking I was eating very little and now that I am no longer drinking eating is almost foreign.

This eating "issue" has also been impacted by my weight loss. Now that I don't want to loose weight any more I am kind of having difficulties eating the additional calories required to maintain my weight. At the end of the day I actually have to go to the fridge to find high calorie foods to increase my daily calorie intake. Not such a bad thing, I am eating dessert almost every night but this in a way is not a great thing. I need to rather be eating larger quantities of the "good" food during the day.

I am off to the shops today to buy ingredients for a veg back that I can store in the freezer and just re-heat when I need to increase my calories for the day.

Here with the planned recipe:

200g Spinach (blanched with hot water)
200g Egg plant
50g Onion
100g Sweet pepper
100g Tin tomato
1 whole egg (80 grams)
50g Low fat Cheese sauce
50g Low fat creamed cheese
50g Low fat yogurt
10g Potato flour
30g Mozzarella cheese

Pre-heat oven to 180 deg centigrade or 360 Fahrenheit. Chop up all the veggies into smallish pieces and place in a suitable oven proof quiche type dish. Mix together the tomato, egg, cheese sauce, cream cheese, yogurt & flour (you can mix in some fresh herbs if you like) and pour over the veggies. Move the sauce in and around the veggies so that they are "covered" and sprinkle the Mozzarella over the top. Bake for 25-30 minutes. Serve hot or cold as this is almost like a quiche. Per 100 grams = 60 calories (Protein = 4g, Carb = 5g & fat = 2g).

Week-end

I had a really wonderful week end. Was very relaxed and we went on a long lazy Sunday drive yesterday. It was a beautiful warm winters day here.

Food related, we did go for lunch in a little town along our drive. I had a free range chicken salad and shared Cinnamon lemon pancakes with my hubby for desert. I was really proud of myself for not going over board and eating really high calorie foods. I think I am getting a bit better with my choices when presented with restaurant food. I tend to be really good with my main meal but then simply cannot resist the HIGH calorie rich desserts. I need to keep a check on that. The pancakes were a perfect compromise, not too high in calories and I shared with my hubby.

I am getting better with keeping my weight level too. I checked my CRON graph and for the past week or so there have not been any horrible spikes or dips. This morning I am still holding it at a good weight and after feeling so bloated on Saturday I am actually feeling really good today.

I think I could actually manage to go take some pictures to post, but don't hold me to it.

Bloated

Ewwww I feel really horrid at the moment. I think my period is on it's way, I just feel so heavy and lethargic.

I had a bit of a binge yesterday (Chocolate mouse) and with the high fat & calorie intake I feel absolutely horrid today. I really need to learn that these high fat binges just do not work for me, ha! The funny thing is that following a high calorie day I naturally swing to lower calorie days with loads of water and a bit of exercise and with in a few days I am feeling back to normal. I actually crave rawer lighter meals. I am actually very impressed that my body is naturally moved into a more healthy mode. I no longer mentally have to restrict, my body is into the grove and simply just asks for a more balanced life style.

I have upped my calorie intake and my weight has basically remained the same. I like the weight I am at presently. Even though at the moment I feel really ewww and heavy I am actually on target with goal and maintenance. I have kept my vitamins & nutrients up with a well balanced diet (Protein / Carb / Fat) ... I think perhaps I should increase my protein and bring down my fat a bit just looking at my report for the past 17 days. I need more protein to build muscle and ummm less fat to stop this lethargic heavy feeling.

Just out of interest I found this article on eating disorders: http://www.edsupport.co.za/Blame.asp
I found it very poignant ... if you know of some one suffering from an eating disorder I highly recommend you read this ... I saw a huge amount of applicable truth in what I read there.

Nintendo Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I know I have been threatening to write up about the Nintendo Wii for a while now so here goes.

It ROCKS ... I cannot possibly sing it's praises higher. I know I am a pretty active person to begin with but the arrival of the Wii in our home it took my fitness and muscle build up to a whole new level.

Hubby and I purchased the Nintendo Wii early in January this year as our Christmas present to ourselves. I don't think a day has gone by that we have not played ... thats 5 months of constant use. We got the Wii and litterally played until we fell over. I had to cancel a horse riding lesson on the Tuesday after we got it on the Saturday as I was so incredibly stiff from using muscles I had no idea existed any more. Hubby and I usually play Golf and Tennis together. My darling Hubby actually had to give me lessons in Golf to enable me to "play" acuratly. If you do not hit the ball correctly, with the correct golf swing, you do not have enough control. We recently bought a second remote so we could play tennis against each other. I like to do the practice sessions of tennis and boxing to build up muscle and burn calories.

Then two weeks ago Hubby bought me the Wii "Fit" for my birthday ... I think it was love at first step onto the balance board. Although due to the tattoo I have not been able to "play" as much as I would like I have managed to unlock a number of the games and have clocked up a good few hours already.

So here is a run down of how I feel the Wii has improved my body:

Sport Golf: Works my stomach muscles, legs and arms, improves stamina/fitness in general. It is a great warm up for more strenuous exercises.

Sport Tennis: Arms, legs & stomach muscles, burns calories. Definitely warm up first we have both pulled muscles playing tennis.

Sport Boxing: Burns calories, arms & stomach muscles. Brilliant for de-stressing.

Sport Bowling & Batting: Although we do not play with these often they are great for balance and get you up and burning calories.

Fit Yoga: I LOVE the yoga, it is fantastic and I can really feel my muscles working, not high calorie burner but definitely improves muscle tone.

Fit Strength: I also really enjoy this and can feel my muscles working, definitely burns up calories.

Fit Balance: All the games are fun but my favorite are the Skiing & Snow boarding exercises. Improves balance and strengthens muscles.

Fit Aerobic: I love the step classes as well as the hula hoop, they are a load of fun and you burn calories while building leg strength and with the hula hoop stomach muscle & leg build up.

Well that pretty much rounds that up and I highly recommend the Wii to get you off the couch to burn calories and build up muscle. An absolute fitness revolution for the whole family. Combine with a good healthy low fat, low calorie diet and fat will melt off ya.

Where the wind blows

I am not quite sure how to put this the right way with out sounding arrogant ...

I LOVE the way I look now, I love my body, I feel good ... I just wish my hubby would see this / understand this. I feel dainty and petite and delicate then there is the other side ... I feel energetic, fit, healthy, muscular and strong. I understand that his dislike for my thinner body is fuel in concern for my health, but seriously I have never been healthier.

Yes, this weight loss was started by him telling me I was fat, it was a gut reaction to a long history of my eating disorder BUT I over came that, found a healthy way to loose the weight, have done so over a few months by eating well and exercising. I have not starved myself to get thin. I know I write a lot of angst here because this is my place to spew out my "issues" but in r.l. I am a very positive, happy, un-affected person.

On another note ...

Maintaining has not been as hard as I imagined it would, I have upped my calorie intake and now eat pretty much what ever I feel like (with in reason of course ... ummmm ok except for the occasional loss of control and binging). I still keep track of how many calories I eat, it has just become natural to do this. If I have an excessively high calorie day one day the next few I just keep it a little lower. My weight has definitely stabilised. Exercise however is still on the back burner ... the tattoo is a week old today and I would like to give it a bit longer to heal completely. I would like to start doing my yoga though, so will probably start today. I really miss the muscular exercises and I can almost see the lack of muscle definition. I need to do my routine in the mornings as hubby is near preventing me from getting onto my Wii fit ... it is rather frustrating. I will find a routine soon to start my work outs again.

Control

Control is a very hard thing ... you think you have it in your grasp but one little slip and it seems to disappear. I know I write about control quite a lot, but when it comes to eating it is a focus for me.

I am having difficulty with this right now. I am not sure why, perhaps it is because I have reached GW and thus feel justified in a little "cheat" here and there ... the problem is the little turns into a LOT. I cannot seem to just have a small treat, my brain just looses control. It is either all or nothing and it is frustrating. I need to control myself around food. These "cheats" are happening when ever I go out and people are watching me to see how much I eat. I almost feel obliged to wolf down copious amounts of food to prove that I don't have "issues" ... I need to get over this.

The other problem is after these binges which usually includes high fat foods I feel like crap. I have never been capable of metabolising fatty food, my body just does not seem to cope with it, where my husband can literally eat food that is swimming in oil, it makes me nauseous and always has. Since I have been monitoring my fat intake and keeping it rather low (over the past few months) when I do binge and eat even low fat foods but exceed my usually daily intake of fat I feel like I have a hang over the next day.

I need to get back to my usual diet even if it is higher in calories but I do need to continue to avoid those high fat foods ... I cannot cope with feeling like my stomach has a brick inside it. I am also suffering with not being able to do as much exercise as usual, with the tattoo I have cut down my yoga & muscle training on the Wii fit. I feel so lethargic lately and I think these binges are coming as a result of just general "funk".

Despite my lack of control and binging my weight is stable I have been trying to gain a little and have altered my GW to 41.5-42 kg's (91.3 - 92.4 pounds) as my hubby was not happy with my dropping below 41 kg's (90 pounds). I am OK now with that, I hope he can see the difference and that I am trying to appease him.

Irritation

I deleted this post because I feel winging and whining about other people winging and whining was rather negative and I have enough to deal with.

I would love to have left it up for me but as I am expecting visitor's to this site (Hi Os!) shortly I thought I would rather focus on eating rather than relationships if that makes sense ....

So lets get on with it then.

Stabilising

Well the tattoo came out way better than I thought it would. I am totally over the moon!!! It is so pretty and feminine and dainty/delicate but most of all it is balanced, every thing that I wanted it to convey. So far every one that I have shown it to thinks it is beautiful. I also went fairly colourful, both my other tattoo's are Black, Grey & White where this one is Black, Grey, Purple, Lilac & Turquoise. I will get some photo's to post as soon as it is a little less "raw". It also took less time than I though for such a large area. I was under the needle for about 1 hour. The pain was not so bad, it felt like uncomfortable scratching with a few pinches here and there and more of a burning sensation. I did however come home with a pretty saw left shoulder from gripping the chair so hard. Hubby is now inspired to get his first tattoo, his idea is really amazing and would suit him to a T. I hope he will actually go through with it.

Well I am at goal weight and now I am trying to stabilise it. The problem is right now I cannot do too much exercise because of the tattoo and I feel like a couch potato as I did absolutely no exercise yesterday, I need to exercise. I am really liking the look of my body now, I am thin enough to look good in what ever I wear yet not too skinny that I look un-healthy, in my opinion.

I am bouncing around a bit and yesterday even went under 41kg's which I was not happy with, but today I am back above 41 so that's good. I just need to keep an eye on it. I am enjoying my menu plan and it has really become a routine / way of life. I am actually eating more than Hubby now, I just eat lower calorie foods than he does so I can eat more bulk. I can honestly say I am happy now with my weight for the first time in my adult life.

With a BMI of 16.5 and body fat % at around 10 I look lithe, slim, healthy and I have boundless energy ... I am feel so positive.

Tattoo and progress

In a few hours I will be laid out half naked on a Tattoo's table with a needle poking into me for 2 hours.

My little treat / reminder what ever you want to call it for my 34th birthday and making it down to my goal weight. This morning I am 41.4 kg's (91.1 pounds), I am quite happy with that as I know by the end of the week as per my usual trend I should be down to around 41kg's only to pick up a few grams over the week end again. As long as I can keep my weight in the 41kg area I am happy that I have indeed reached goal.

This entire process of now maintaining my weight (or gain) is very interesting. I have learned so much about my body, how it reacts to food, what I need to do to reduce my weight, when I pick up and when I loose. What kind of foods it does well with. I have really tuned into it and I love what I have achieved. The accomplishment has been very thrilling and now keeping it all up is still quite a challenge, don't get me wrong. I know I still have to keep at it but it is now part of my life, my lifestyle. It really did not take much shifting. As I have told every one that cares to listen (ha) I am now actually eating more than I did before, eating more often and getting way more nutrients and vitamins. The fact that most people think I look too skinny is really irritating because I have worked so hard. I am muscular and fit, healthy and energetic ... I am certainly not anorexic :) I just think that most people do not understand how I can be thin AND healthy. Yes I am the first one to admit that I have "issues" but I have worked around them. My control has been focused and channelled into a more healthy way of life than ever before.

Back to Routine

I have decided to set out a diet plan so here it is.

It is pretty much what I am planning to stick to for maintenance and will work around the basics depending on how my weight goes. I am a few grams up again after a really "bad" week-end.

Saturday I had lunch out after a meeting. They served up tea and cake boy oh boy ... chocolate cake, custard tart ... all resistance crumbled.

Then Sunday we were taken out for lunch by family for my birthday and well I simply could not turn down the creme brulle for dessert.

Gasp, my calories for the week end both days were more than I have had in a very very long time but I am only up a few grams from my goal weight and I actually really like the challenge of getting back down again, gives me some thing to strive for.

So here is the diet plan I have worked out:

8am - Black Coffee (I find this kicks my metabolism into gear as well as getting my tummy working)

Breakfast around 10 - 11am:
Option 1: 100g fruit (papaya, mango, melon) 100g Low fat natural Yogurt, 6g Psyllium husks = 80 - 100 cal

Option 2: 30g Oats cooked with 250g water, 10g Whey powder mix with 20g nonfat milk and pour over oats after coocking and once cooled down some what, top with 5g Maple Syrup, 3g Low fat hot chocolate powder, 2 g Cinnamon = 182 cal

Lunch's & Dinners:

Option 1: 70g Rye Bread, 20g Ham, 30g Tomato from tin, 15g Onion, 10g Capers, 30g Sweet peppers, 10g Mozzarella Cheese (made into a pizza) = 270 cal

Option 2: 3g Canola Oil, 15g Onion, 100g Tomato from tin, 60g Tuna (in water), 100g Mixed greens (water crests, rocket etc), 50g Sweet peppers, 50g (dry weight) Whole wheat pasta - all heated together = 240 cal

Option 3: 100g Lettuce, 60g Cucumber, 20g Onion, 60g Pickles, 60g Tomato, Dressing (2g Flaxseed oil, 30g Cream Cheese, 20g Red Wine Vinegar) = 52 cal
If 60g Tuna is added = 122 cal

Option 4: 300g Vegetable soup (home made), 70g Rye bread spread with 30g Cream Cheese = 220 Cal

Option 5: 150g Potato microwaved, 50g Cream Cheese, 80g Chicken breast cut up and fried in 3g of Canola oil with 20g Onion add a little water to pot and simmer till chicken is cooked = 261 cal

Option 6: 20g Onion, 3g Canola oil, 100g Shrimp / Mussels / Squid, 100g Tomato from Tin, 100g Mixed greens (water crests, rocket) 50g (dry weight) Whole Wheat Pasta = 216 Cal

Snacks:

Option 1: 130g non fat Milk, 6g Low fat hot chocolate powder, 5 g Instant coffee, 5g Whey protein powder = 80cal
with out the protein powder = 65 cal

Option 2: 100g Evaporated Milk / Jello Ice cream = 100 cal

Option 3: 50g Carrot sticks, 50g Celery sticks, 50g Cream cheese = 80 cal

Option 4: 10g Low fat hot chocolate powder mixed into 100g Low fat yogurt, 5g Psyllium husks = 75 cal

The idea is to to eat around 500 - 700 cal per day. So if I have the higher cal breakfast then I need to choose a lower cal lunch and dinner or possibly skip the snack. Even worst case example if I had to have all the high calorie things in one day = 825 cal. But if it was reverse and I took all the low calorie options = 507 cal.

Low fat Ice Cream

I would like to share with you a little secret. I made some of this last night and boy is it yummy, filling and very low fat!!!

380 gram tin of low fat Evaporated Milk - the one I could get was not terribly low cal at almost 500 cal for the tin but I know you do get them lower cal.

40 gram low cal flavoured Jello again I know you get them lower cal than the one I got at 166 cal for the 40 grams. I used Pineapple & Passion fruit flavour.

200 gram boiling water.

30 grams Lemon Juice

In one bowl empty the Jello and dilute with the boiling water. Place bowl in a sink filled with cold water, stir occasionally.

In another large bowl beat the Evaporated Milk for about 5-10 mins on high speed with an electric beater. This will whip up to a thick consistency almost like whipped cream.

As you will have been stirring the Jello occasionally keep a check on it, once it is no longer runny like water and just starting to set add the lemon juice.

Add the Jello to the whipped milk and beat for 2 minutes this MUST be done before the jello sets. Spoon into a large Tupperware (2-3 litre) then once set fairly solid, freeze.

You will be amazed how much 50 grams is and it is only 48 calories even using my "high calorie" ingredients. Protein = 2 grams, Carb = 3 grams, Fat = 2 grams. Serve with Fruit & yogurt and you have yourself a very nice dessert.

Too thin?

I am a tad confused ... I got to my goal weight (well close to it) 41.2kg's (90.6 pounds) and suddenly I am "too thin" according to my Hubby. Suddenly I am no longer looking healthy or fit, suddenly I don't look good any more. I don't understand when I was 42kg's and struggling to get down a few more grams all was fine, but now hubby seems to think I look terrible.

I have lost my weight in a healthy way with low calorie high nutrient food, binging has been minimal, I simply cut out alcohol, chocolate, sweets, biltong / beef jerky, bread, cheese, chips, fried food etc. I have been eating yogurt, fruit, salad, fish and vegetables. I have been exercising a fair amount but not over exerting myself. I feel energetic, my nails and hair have grown, my skin is clear and my eyes are bright and twinkly, I am energetic and sleep a whole lot less. Hubby always complained that I didn't wake up to go walking in the mornings with him, now I am the one pushing for the walks in the mornings. I have the enthusiasm and energy to keep the house clean and neat, the dishes are always done now. So what exactly is the problem ... I don't know.

Last night I was compared to some cheerleaders on TV and told I looked like a skeleton in comparison. I have worked hard and developing lean muscle and get rid of body fat. I think the cheerleaders looked pudgy to be honest.

So the difference of 1kg (2.2 pounds) is an issue it seems. Well I am really proud that I am down to my goal and I am going to try to keep my weight range around 41 - 41.5kg's because that is where I feel comfortable.

Is dieting a good thing?

Hubby and I were chatting about how dieting can actually make you pick up weight.

Well not that I have picked up weight but I was complaining about the struggles to loose the last 700 grams, how it has taken me all week just to get back to 41.7kg's and how frustrated I am.

He mentioned to me that when I was 47kg's I never stressed about what I ate, never worried about when my next meal was or for that matter actually ate as much as I do now. This brought me to thinking that does obsessing over one's weight actually make you put on weight. I would like to get to a point where I no longer think about food or what exactly I am going to eat at my next meal or even WHEN my next meal is going to be. I would like to NOT care about food, I was like that before and managed to maintain my weight with no problems now that I weigh less I feel like I have to watch every morsel that I put in my mouth ... strange.

So I have to question myself, is the "task" of loosing a bit of weight shoved me against the wall of self obsession. Is the constant monitoring of food intake, trying to keep a balanced diet doing quite the opposite of loosing / maintaining my weight.

Where does one draw the line of balance? How does one maintain ones weight with out being obsessive? Is the fact that I am "dieting" and watching what I eat the catalyst for weight gain.

When I was not "dieting" I ate less, probably higher calorie but lower nutrient food, my body coped. Now I eat low calorie higher nutrient food and my body and mind seems to be rebelling. I simply do not understand ... how is it that it is so much harder to maintain a lower weight when I feel I am giving my body what it needs.

A bit more history

As I have mentioned both my sisters are on the larger side and so is my mom. It saddens me as all of them are ALWAYS on diet but never seem to ever loose any weight *shrug*.

This brought me to thinking this morning of how much my "issues" have been cemented as a child.

I was never physically abused (many eating disorder people suffer from this) as a child but mentally hmmm I am not sure.

I remember as a teenager my father always telling me I would turn out to be "a fat bitch like my mother". Often when he said things like this to me I would get so angry I would throw up, spinning me into starve/binge/purge mode for a few months. Still to this day when ever I see my father he tells me things like "god look at you, you are getting fat just like your mother" it does not matter what I weigh ... to him I am always the FAT one. I can arrive there with my sister that weighs double what I do but he will pick on me and point out that I am FAT, not her. Just writing this down makes my palms sweat and I feel nauseous. Still to this day I have no idea why me ... why he chose me to berate in this way. My father was and still is to this day very thin, my husband is really thin ... a psychological connection, probably. My hubby is also very weight conscious and although does not say anything derogatory about my weigh he does make it clear that over weight people suck, that he would leave me if I ever got over weight. When he gets upset with me for any reason at all, I think the way to solve it is to loose more weight.

Weight has always been and will always be an issue for me, no matter what I weigh. I am currently at the lowest weight I have been since I was 14 and yet still I am not 100% happy with the way I look, I can see area's that need work. I need to tone up a lot, my belly sticks out past my hip bones and it frustrates me. I get on the scale and think .... just one more kilogram, just one more ... Don't get me wrong I am quite happy with the way I look and I am happy in my life, these are just "issues" that are part of who I am and that "just one more kilo" is what drives me.