A bit more history

As I have mentioned both my sisters are on the larger side and so is my mom. It saddens me as all of them are ALWAYS on diet but never seem to ever loose any weight *shrug*.

This brought me to thinking this morning of how much my "issues" have been cemented as a child.

I was never physically abused (many eating disorder people suffer from this) as a child but mentally hmmm I am not sure.

I remember as a teenager my father always telling me I would turn out to be "a fat bitch like my mother". Often when he said things like this to me I would get so angry I would throw up, spinning me into starve/binge/purge mode for a few months. Still to this day when ever I see my father he tells me things like "god look at you, you are getting fat just like your mother" it does not matter what I weigh ... to him I am always the FAT one. I can arrive there with my sister that weighs double what I do but he will pick on me and point out that I am FAT, not her. Just writing this down makes my palms sweat and I feel nauseous. Still to this day I have no idea why me ... why he chose me to berate in this way. My father was and still is to this day very thin, my husband is really thin ... a psychological connection, probably. My hubby is also very weight conscious and although does not say anything derogatory about my weigh he does make it clear that over weight people suck, that he would leave me if I ever got over weight. When he gets upset with me for any reason at all, I think the way to solve it is to loose more weight.

Weight has always been and will always be an issue for me, no matter what I weigh. I am currently at the lowest weight I have been since I was 14 and yet still I am not 100% happy with the way I look, I can see area's that need work. I need to tone up a lot, my belly sticks out past my hip bones and it frustrates me. I get on the scale and think .... just one more kilogram, just one more ... Don't get me wrong I am quite happy with the way I look and I am happy in my life, these are just "issues" that are part of who I am and that "just one more kilo" is what drives me.

Introduction

I have started this blog as a diary for myself. I am working things out, trying to find a balance and I think writing my story will help me.



Introduction: My name is Leela (pseudo name of course) I have had issues surrounding weight and eating since I can remember.



Lets start with my current statistics then we can move swiftly on:



Current Weight: 43kg's = 94.6 pounds

Height: 1.57m = 5'2

Goal weight: 41kg's = 90.2 pounds

Highest weight: 50kg's = 110 pounds

Lowest weight: current weight

Age: 34 on 29 April

BMI: 17.3

Body Fat: 11.6



I have had issues with anorexia & bulimia over the past 20 years. I have been a calorie restrict'er all my life, some times more obsessive than other times. I do not plan this blog to be any kind of tool to anorexics or bulimics, this is not my intention however it is part of who I am and I am guessing will centre a lot around this subject. I do NOT advocate / endorse / encourage these diseases however I am trying to find a balance for myself and this is what this blog is all about.



I am married and do not have children. I have two sisters and a mom ... all severely over weight. My husband is thin with a BMI of 18.5 ... he can eat anything even at 38 years old *sigh*.



I have recently found the CRON way of life and have found this to be a light at the end of the tunnel. For me this is a way to channel my obsession with food, calorie counting, scale watching and general addictive behaviour. I have never been healthier, fitter, or happier with my body as I am right now thanks to this. I have recently come to believe that one can be an anorexic and still be healthy and I hope that with this blog I can share my experience.



I am also an alcoholic. I have recently gone cold turkey and given up alcohol ... not only for my health and good grief the calories in that stuff but also because I get very nasty when I drink, my poor husband gets the brunt of it so to loose weight and save my marriage I divorced the bottle.



Unlike most eating disorder "book cases" I have never been sexually abused.



Please note I would not classify myself as an anorexic though. I have never been diagnosed or treated for any eating disorder. I do recommend that if you think you have an eating disorder that you talk to some one about it and find the necessary help.