Bad bad bad

(Insert crap here that I deleted - it involves those closest to me, power games, nastyness etc) Of course it is ALL my fault as per usual.

... and I am going into the "starve" mood ... wish us luck and hopefully we all survive at the end of this "STUPID HATE IT" holiday season.

I am down but not skeletal yet HA! Perhaps by next week if the dark mood continues.
Hugs to you all ...
O30T

The struggle

The struggle continues ... down to 43kg's then back up to 44.5kg's ... I guess you could say I am stable and probably at a reasonably healthy weight right?

BUT ... it's not good enough for me. I don't like it.

The temptation to just NOT eat is so fierce. If I just DON'T eat then there is little to worry about hey?

Because I simply cannot be trusted around food ... I just don't have the will power any more.

I hate food, I hate eating, I hate shopping, I hate my inability to control myself.

*sigh*

Strange things

I am not sure why I am STILL struggling to get under 44kg's (96.8 pounds) ... I just drop down under it and then voops I am back up a day or two later.

I know it is my inability to control myself and my appetite and cravings.

I am so seriously struggling some times I feel totally deflated. I think back to how "easy" it was to drop down earlier this year to 88 pounds and wonder how the heck I did it now.

I also wonder what on earth possessed me to pick up as much weight as I have. If I could just have managed to maintain at 42kg's, I would not be feeling like this.

I think a lot has to do with my emotions at the moment ... I am in a happy space, very content. My severe weight loss was due to going through a stressful and emotional time. Now that all is calm my eating habits are just down right out of control.

I find the control for a day or two and then it slips from my grasp.

Again I am having very little time for exercise which I don't think is helping matters much.

Hungry

Oi ... this week has been terrible ... the week-end obviously messed me up terribly.

I am back up to 44.2kg's and feeling horrid again. I NEED to get back down to under 43 by next week Wednesday so it is back to fruit & salads and a strict routine.

I HAVE to get back down under 42 by the end of November. I hate how I feel at the moment, it feels like I am wearing an extra layer of clothing all the time, even when I am nekkid.

So the resolve and strength starts again. I have not been meditating or exercising as much as I should and I have not managed my yoga since last week. I have been really busy with work and just not getting my head around actual work.

I feel like I have a brick in my stomach again as I have been eating biscuits and chocolate for the past few days *sigh*

Well that's over now ... I need to get the brick out of my tummy :)

The week-end

I was looking at photo's of me back in May at around 41 kg's ... I have to agree with my husband, I was really looking a bit too thin. I do feel 42kg's however was perfect so my aim is to get to around 42 with the scope to move between 42-43kg's. I think that is a reasonable weight, thin but not over the top too thin.

This w/end was a disaster!!!

Lunch out on Sunday was not too bad ... we all had the chili-chocolate pot which is essentially about 50g Chocolate syrup (like Herchies) with a bit of espresso & chilli's added. All in all not over the top in calories. However even though I had a Greek salad starter & muscles/squid in tomato sauce there was a lot of olive oil added to every thing. BUT it was not a bad day over all.

HOWEVER on the Saturday I went to a wake ... that was a total disaster, platters of yummy food *great big sigh* and I could not resist!!! The chocolate cheese cake was just incredible. I left feeling totally stuffed.

The scale was not a pretty sight yesterday or for that matter today. I am back over 43.

We went out for lunch today and I was pretty good - no dessert ahhhh my self control was impressive.

I am finding though that things are going quite well these past two weeks back on CRON. Yes, a few cringe worthy days, but all in all not bad. I am quite proud of myself and I am sure if I keep up the healthy eating & exercise I should get back under 43 again by the end of the week and down closer to 42 by mid November.

Shopping

I went shopping yesterday for T-shirts ... I got some really nice tight fitting ones, all Organic cotton and really comfortable.

Our spring as usual is windy and not exactly warm but I don't really have any T-shirts that fit me and they look so good with my skinny jeans so hopefully I will soon be able to wear them with out jumpers over.

My weight is looking good and I am feeling incredibly positive at 42.8kg's / 94.2pounds this morning ... I am looking forward to seeing 42kg's again though. And there it will stop ... I don't really want to go below 42 again. People start to complain (rolls eyes).

We have lunch tomorrow with family at a greek restuarant so this should be a good test of my will power ... can I say no to dessert?

I hope so, I am feeling so good and 42 is just in my grasp again after 2 weeks of good eating, there is no point in ruining it now.

One step at a time

Things are still up and down really but getting much better.

I am down to 43kg's / 94.6 pounds which I think is a good slow weight loss over all and considering there have been a few stumblers for me.

What I am most happy about is that I am back to 3 meals a day and keeping it pretty healthy. For the first time in months we went out for lunch yesterday and I had the will power to say no to dessert.

My body is looking good again and I am starting to feel comfortable in my skin.

My husband has asked me not to drop below 42kg's / 92.4 pounds so I guess technically speaking I only have 1kg to loose.

The problem I find is then maintaining ... I usually drop below and then struggle to get back up. It becomes a roller coaster ride of not finding a balance.

Here is hoping I can find a balance to maintain at 42 ... when I get there of course LOL.