Strange things

I am not sure why I am STILL struggling to get under 44kg's (96.8 pounds) ... I just drop down under it and then voops I am back up a day or two later.

I know it is my inability to control myself and my appetite and cravings.

I am so seriously struggling some times I feel totally deflated. I think back to how "easy" it was to drop down earlier this year to 88 pounds and wonder how the heck I did it now.

I also wonder what on earth possessed me to pick up as much weight as I have. If I could just have managed to maintain at 42kg's, I would not be feeling like this.

I think a lot has to do with my emotions at the moment ... I am in a happy space, very content. My severe weight loss was due to going through a stressful and emotional time. Now that all is calm my eating habits are just down right out of control.

I find the control for a day or two and then it slips from my grasp.

Again I am having very little time for exercise which I don't think is helping matters much.

Bad space

I have not been in the best head space recently.

I am not so sure why, life I guess. Things are rather depressing, finances suck and I just feel like I am in a bit of a hole quite frankly. Hubby is also not in the best of moods lately so I guess that has affected me. However I am trying to pull myself right again. I try my hardest not to show my emotions so that hubby does not have me to worry about as well ... that upsets him.

I have not been eating terribly healthy .... it has been weeks now that I have not exactly been doing CRON. I am eating quite high calorie and I would really like to get back to a lower cal intake. I miss it and the effects on my body health wise have not been great. I have less energy, I sweat terribly at night and I just don't feel good. Weight gain has not really been a factor but I don't really like being this weight ... I feel really heavy and bloated at 42kg's (92.4 pounds). I simply think that it has mostly to do with the high calories and lower nutrition diet. I am going to try this week to keep under 1000 cal per day, I am pretty sure by the end of the week I will be feeling SO much better! That and the fact that I have re-done our house hold budget and have pretty much cut every thing, by August we should be able to survive the month again.

Price paid

I have been taught by my body that binging especially a 2 week long binge is not some thing it can deal with. After eating healthy and carefully for months now ... processed, junk food is most certainly not for me. My calorie intake was between 2000 - 3000 per day on mostly complete crap. My body rebelled some thing horrid.

I have pimples, my hair is lank, my skin is dry, and my tummy is in knots and totally bloated which has made me feel lethargic and really heavy.

I have not picked up much weight for it ... about 1kg = 2.2 pounds. For this weight gain I feel like crap quite frankly.

The reasons for my binging is because my hubby wanted me to gain weigh, also demanded that I stop CRON. I went into free fall. This screwed me up in more ways than one and I feel absolutely crap for it.

I don't think my hubby understands that CRON actually works for me, gives me the energy I need while keeping my body in very good physical condition even if a bit underweight. I simply cannot deal with the kinds of food he eats and I cannot cope with how my body feels when I loose control of my eating. He complained that I am constantly tired again ... WOW big revelation coming here ... he tells me to get off CRON which was working really well for me and then complains when I start binging on "bad" food which causes my body to literally shut down.

NO! I cannot do this on my own ... I do not have the control necessary to keep me on a healthy diet with out the program to assist me. It helps me make decisions as to what to eat, how much to eat and where I am missing certain things in my diet.

Binging

I have been on an almost week long binge. Reason for it is that I dipped down under 88 pounds / 40kg's and it really gave me a bit of a shock, I really do not need to be at such a low weight. I would like to stay above 89 pounds / 40.5kg's. My week long binge has resulted in me getting to 91.3 pounds / 41.5kg's and that's ok ... I can cope with that. I assume it is around time for my period and hence the binging has set in, my body is like that.

Today has been good though and I have been trying to get back onto the healthy CRON eating way again. I don't like how the binging and un-healthy eating has affected my energy levels. I have been sleeping a whole lot more, up to 10 hours per day, usually I only sleep around 7-8 hours. I need to settle down and rather eat more calories through good food with higher nutrients. I guess we all fall off the band wagon some times and I think I needed this week to prove to myself how my un-healthy eating is really not so good for me.

Hubby & I met up with some friends yesterday while out to lunch. They are a gay couple and they both agreed that I am looking really good and healthy. I think their "approval" of my lower weight has made Hubby feel more comfortable. I did however have three frozen margarita's ... alcohol that I have had really very little of in gosh a LONG time. I had to come home and sleep it off.

I am off to go do some Yoga on the Wii...

Time

Good grief where does the time go??? I look around and an entire week has disappeared.

These past few days have simply been unbelievably hectic and I am glad they are over. I have been unbelievably stressed.

Stress has always been a major weight loss factor for me. I am one of those ... "I don't have time to eat" types. So I have gone slightly under my GW despite when I have eaten it has generally been really high calorie foods like lasagna, croutons, chocolate mousse, chocolate, sweets and things that as a health conscious person I really should be eating in moderation BUT the last few days it seems that is all I have had time for.

I have been tracking my calorie intake on CRON and some days it ventured as high as 3000 calories *gasp* but with the stress I seem to have burned it off at just as rapidly. I guess if I was just sitting behind a PC all day I would have gone up in weight but I have been running around like a lunatic.

Due to the time constraints I have not been getting to my Yoga or Wii and I really miss it. I hope to start again today. This brings me to a bit of a quandary that I face...

Every time I get onto the Wii it tells me "too low / underweight" my Hubby has a near fit. Now despite my extra eating I have lost a few grams so I am hesitant to step onto the Wii for fear of him having a thrombosis. Some people fear getting on a scale because they may have picked up weight ... I have this fear because my husband has made my weight into such an issue. Despite his constant negative comments about my small frame he continues to tell me I am "obsessed with food and constantly eating" ...

Wants and needs

Let us not beat around the bush here ... my husband wants me to pick up weight. He says I am too "bony".

The facts are as follows:

I weigh between 41 - 42kg's (90 - 92.4 pounds) and have been maintaining this through a healthy constantly monitored diet.
I am short at 5ft2. My BMI is around 17 which is technically "underweight" as 18 would be considered "perfect" by the Wii which is what he is. If I weighed 45kg's = 100 pounds I would be at an 18 BMI. When I weighed 45kg's my husband told me I was FAT. I have lost a mere 3kg's - that is really not very much. Quite frankly I like the way I look now as I have said a few times here.

I gave up alcohol and realised I had major issues with eating. I have worked really hard to combat my eating disorder over the past few months by working with CRON to keep myself healthy. I have worked hard at obtaining lean muscles by exercise and doing Wii. I am truly un-willing to go back to 45kg's and be called FAT again, I simply REFUSE, I think it would break me.

I am currently eating a healthy balanced diet, am able to control my calorie intake knowingly and pretty much eat what ever I want with in reason. My weight is stable now. I no longer bounce around with my starve / binge major issues I had, I actually EAT 3 meals per day now. I am now in control and I like it. I also like how my clothes fit me and how I look. Yes perhaps I am a little bony now with no more love handles and rounded curves, a little more angular and delicate looking, but when I had them love handles and "flabby" thighs 3kg's ago and a seriously un-healthy view of food ... neither of us liked my body.

I like this body and I think I will keep it ... thank you very much!

Not knowing

I have encountered a rather interesting problem.

Normally when I go out for lunch I have to estimate what I have eaten. I have a feeling I could be over estimating the calories I consume. In some ways I guess this is a good thing if I were still trying to loose weight but now that I am trying to maintain my weight it causes issues. NOT knowing how many calories I have consumed at an away from home meal where I cannot weigh or accurately calculate means that for the rest of that day I am perhaps a little over cautious about what I am eating.

Since I gave up alcohol (where I was getting about 1000 - 2000 calories daily in a wine glass) I have been having great difficulty EATING my daily allocation of calories. Sounds strange but I literally have to force myself to eat solid food. This is technically one of the reasons why my "issues" started and I do put some blame on alcohol for my current situation. I literally have no concept of eating so much food. I would say when I was drinking I was eating very little and now that I am no longer drinking eating is almost foreign.

This eating "issue" has also been impacted by my weight loss. Now that I don't want to loose weight any more I am kind of having difficulties eating the additional calories required to maintain my weight. At the end of the day I actually have to go to the fridge to find high calorie foods to increase my daily calorie intake. Not such a bad thing, I am eating dessert almost every night but this in a way is not a great thing. I need to rather be eating larger quantities of the "good" food during the day.

I am off to the shops today to buy ingredients for a veg back that I can store in the freezer and just re-heat when I need to increase my calories for the day.

Here with the planned recipe:

200g Spinach (blanched with hot water)
200g Egg plant
50g Onion
100g Sweet pepper
100g Tin tomato
1 whole egg (80 grams)
50g Low fat Cheese sauce
50g Low fat creamed cheese
50g Low fat yogurt
10g Potato flour
30g Mozzarella cheese

Pre-heat oven to 180 deg centigrade or 360 Fahrenheit. Chop up all the veggies into smallish pieces and place in a suitable oven proof quiche type dish. Mix together the tomato, egg, cheese sauce, cream cheese, yogurt & flour (you can mix in some fresh herbs if you like) and pour over the veggies. Move the sauce in and around the veggies so that they are "covered" and sprinkle the Mozzarella over the top. Bake for 25-30 minutes. Serve hot or cold as this is almost like a quiche. Per 100 grams = 60 calories (Protein = 4g, Carb = 5g & fat = 2g).

Where the wind blows

I am not quite sure how to put this the right way with out sounding arrogant ...

I LOVE the way I look now, I love my body, I feel good ... I just wish my hubby would see this / understand this. I feel dainty and petite and delicate then there is the other side ... I feel energetic, fit, healthy, muscular and strong. I understand that his dislike for my thinner body is fuel in concern for my health, but seriously I have never been healthier.

Yes, this weight loss was started by him telling me I was fat, it was a gut reaction to a long history of my eating disorder BUT I over came that, found a healthy way to loose the weight, have done so over a few months by eating well and exercising. I have not starved myself to get thin. I know I write a lot of angst here because this is my place to spew out my "issues" but in r.l. I am a very positive, happy, un-affected person.

On another note ...

Maintaining has not been as hard as I imagined it would, I have upped my calorie intake and now eat pretty much what ever I feel like (with in reason of course ... ummmm ok except for the occasional loss of control and binging). I still keep track of how many calories I eat, it has just become natural to do this. If I have an excessively high calorie day one day the next few I just keep it a little lower. My weight has definitely stabilised. Exercise however is still on the back burner ... the tattoo is a week old today and I would like to give it a bit longer to heal completely. I would like to start doing my yoga though, so will probably start today. I really miss the muscular exercises and I can almost see the lack of muscle definition. I need to do my routine in the mornings as hubby is near preventing me from getting onto my Wii fit ... it is rather frustrating. I will find a routine soon to start my work outs again.

Too thin?

I am a tad confused ... I got to my goal weight (well close to it) 41.2kg's (90.6 pounds) and suddenly I am "too thin" according to my Hubby. Suddenly I am no longer looking healthy or fit, suddenly I don't look good any more. I don't understand when I was 42kg's and struggling to get down a few more grams all was fine, but now hubby seems to think I look terrible.

I have lost my weight in a healthy way with low calorie high nutrient food, binging has been minimal, I simply cut out alcohol, chocolate, sweets, biltong / beef jerky, bread, cheese, chips, fried food etc. I have been eating yogurt, fruit, salad, fish and vegetables. I have been exercising a fair amount but not over exerting myself. I feel energetic, my nails and hair have grown, my skin is clear and my eyes are bright and twinkly, I am energetic and sleep a whole lot less. Hubby always complained that I didn't wake up to go walking in the mornings with him, now I am the one pushing for the walks in the mornings. I have the enthusiasm and energy to keep the house clean and neat, the dishes are always done now. So what exactly is the problem ... I don't know.

Last night I was compared to some cheerleaders on TV and told I looked like a skeleton in comparison. I have worked hard and developing lean muscle and get rid of body fat. I think the cheerleaders looked pudgy to be honest.

So the difference of 1kg (2.2 pounds) is an issue it seems. Well I am really proud that I am down to my goal and I am going to try to keep my weight range around 41 - 41.5kg's because that is where I feel comfortable.