Bad space

I have not been in the best head space recently.

I am not so sure why, life I guess. Things are rather depressing, finances suck and I just feel like I am in a bit of a hole quite frankly. Hubby is also not in the best of moods lately so I guess that has affected me. However I am trying to pull myself right again. I try my hardest not to show my emotions so that hubby does not have me to worry about as well ... that upsets him.

I have not been eating terribly healthy .... it has been weeks now that I have not exactly been doing CRON. I am eating quite high calorie and I would really like to get back to a lower cal intake. I miss it and the effects on my body health wise have not been great. I have less energy, I sweat terribly at night and I just don't feel good. Weight gain has not really been a factor but I don't really like being this weight ... I feel really heavy and bloated at 42kg's (92.4 pounds). I simply think that it has mostly to do with the high calories and lower nutrition diet. I am going to try this week to keep under 1000 cal per day, I am pretty sure by the end of the week I will be feeling SO much better! That and the fact that I have re-done our house hold budget and have pretty much cut every thing, by August we should be able to survive the month again.

Exhausted

I think all the stress and tension that went into the lead up to my birthday has just hit me. Sounds strange but I have been rather stressed about loosing weight with yesterday being the "big day". Gawd that sounds so sad doesn't it?

I feel like I have been run over by a bus. I am tired well actually exhausted. I would love to just curl up in bed and sleep for a few weeks. No idea why this has hit me so hard or why I feel so tired. I have been eating pretty well. The week end eventually caught up with me this morning and I am up frigging 700 grams *gag*. Was nice that my body didn't reflect it yesterday, I am guessing this *blegh* mood has some thing to do with the weight gain.

Anyhoo birthday over the rest of my life of calorie restricting ahead. Planning meals, counting every gram of food, daily weigh in's, exercise oh and more exercise. Some times I wonder what it is all about, why bother? No matter how low my calorie intake my stupid body just decides to pick up weight. Upping my daily intake just makes me feel like crap. Every one keeps saying "but how can you only eat 700 cal per day??" Well the answer is if I give my god damned body any more it bloody shows on the scale.

Why can I not maintain my weight with a slightly higher calorie intake? I can understand having to restrict to loose weight but now why do I have to restrict to such a point just to keep my weight stable? I don't understand ...