Bad bad bad

(Insert crap here that I deleted - it involves those closest to me, power games, nastyness etc) Of course it is ALL my fault as per usual.

... and I am going into the "starve" mood ... wish us luck and hopefully we all survive at the end of this "STUPID HATE IT" holiday season.

I am down but not skeletal yet HA! Perhaps by next week if the dark mood continues.
Hugs to you all ...
O30T

The struggle

The struggle continues ... down to 43kg's then back up to 44.5kg's ... I guess you could say I am stable and probably at a reasonably healthy weight right?

BUT ... it's not good enough for me. I don't like it.

The temptation to just NOT eat is so fierce. If I just DON'T eat then there is little to worry about hey?

Because I simply cannot be trusted around food ... I just don't have the will power any more.

I hate food, I hate eating, I hate shopping, I hate my inability to control myself.

*sigh*

Strange things

I am not sure why I am STILL struggling to get under 44kg's (96.8 pounds) ... I just drop down under it and then voops I am back up a day or two later.

I know it is my inability to control myself and my appetite and cravings.

I am so seriously struggling some times I feel totally deflated. I think back to how "easy" it was to drop down earlier this year to 88 pounds and wonder how the heck I did it now.

I also wonder what on earth possessed me to pick up as much weight as I have. If I could just have managed to maintain at 42kg's, I would not be feeling like this.

I think a lot has to do with my emotions at the moment ... I am in a happy space, very content. My severe weight loss was due to going through a stressful and emotional time. Now that all is calm my eating habits are just down right out of control.

I find the control for a day or two and then it slips from my grasp.

Again I am having very little time for exercise which I don't think is helping matters much.

Hungry

Oi ... this week has been terrible ... the week-end obviously messed me up terribly.

I am back up to 44.2kg's and feeling horrid again. I NEED to get back down to under 43 by next week Wednesday so it is back to fruit & salads and a strict routine.

I HAVE to get back down under 42 by the end of November. I hate how I feel at the moment, it feels like I am wearing an extra layer of clothing all the time, even when I am nekkid.

So the resolve and strength starts again. I have not been meditating or exercising as much as I should and I have not managed my yoga since last week. I have been really busy with work and just not getting my head around actual work.

I feel like I have a brick in my stomach again as I have been eating biscuits and chocolate for the past few days *sigh*

Well that's over now ... I need to get the brick out of my tummy :)

The week-end

I was looking at photo's of me back in May at around 41 kg's ... I have to agree with my husband, I was really looking a bit too thin. I do feel 42kg's however was perfect so my aim is to get to around 42 with the scope to move between 42-43kg's. I think that is a reasonable weight, thin but not over the top too thin.

This w/end was a disaster!!!

Lunch out on Sunday was not too bad ... we all had the chili-chocolate pot which is essentially about 50g Chocolate syrup (like Herchies) with a bit of espresso & chilli's added. All in all not over the top in calories. However even though I had a Greek salad starter & muscles/squid in tomato sauce there was a lot of olive oil added to every thing. BUT it was not a bad day over all.

HOWEVER on the Saturday I went to a wake ... that was a total disaster, platters of yummy food *great big sigh* and I could not resist!!! The chocolate cheese cake was just incredible. I left feeling totally stuffed.

The scale was not a pretty sight yesterday or for that matter today. I am back over 43.

We went out for lunch today and I was pretty good - no dessert ahhhh my self control was impressive.

I am finding though that things are going quite well these past two weeks back on CRON. Yes, a few cringe worthy days, but all in all not bad. I am quite proud of myself and I am sure if I keep up the healthy eating & exercise I should get back under 43 again by the end of the week and down closer to 42 by mid November.

Shopping

I went shopping yesterday for T-shirts ... I got some really nice tight fitting ones, all Organic cotton and really comfortable.

Our spring as usual is windy and not exactly warm but I don't really have any T-shirts that fit me and they look so good with my skinny jeans so hopefully I will soon be able to wear them with out jumpers over.

My weight is looking good and I am feeling incredibly positive at 42.8kg's / 94.2pounds this morning ... I am looking forward to seeing 42kg's again though. And there it will stop ... I don't really want to go below 42 again. People start to complain (rolls eyes).

We have lunch tomorrow with family at a greek restuarant so this should be a good test of my will power ... can I say no to dessert?

I hope so, I am feeling so good and 42 is just in my grasp again after 2 weeks of good eating, there is no point in ruining it now.

One step at a time

Things are still up and down really but getting much better.

I am down to 43kg's / 94.6 pounds which I think is a good slow weight loss over all and considering there have been a few stumblers for me.

What I am most happy about is that I am back to 3 meals a day and keeping it pretty healthy. For the first time in months we went out for lunch yesterday and I had the will power to say no to dessert.

My body is looking good again and I am starting to feel comfortable in my skin.

My husband has asked me not to drop below 42kg's / 92.4 pounds so I guess technically speaking I only have 1kg to loose.

The problem I find is then maintaining ... I usually drop below and then struggle to get back up. It becomes a roller coaster ride of not finding a balance.

Here is hoping I can find a balance to maintain at 42 ... when I get there of course LOL.

Going ... going .... (waiting for the gone!)

Well blow me down with a feather, I am 42.6 kg's this morning.

Just a few days back on CRON and such a quick weight loss?

Such a struggle for 3 months to get my eating back under control and my body kindly rewards me for my healthy eating and exercise regime again by rewarding me on the scale.

OK I do know this is simply just a "trick" because you cannot possibly loose fat so quickly. I know that I need to continue this for a good few weeks before we get back to my clothes fitting better again.

Which brings me to the quick fix fast diets that do the rounds usually in Spring / early summer. Most people loose a few pounds with a healthy or some times not so healthy diet and then think *whoot* I can go back to eating just the way I did.

And what happens? Voila in just a few short days / weeks they pick it all back up again. That is simply because the scale has a way of tricking you into thinking that you lost the weight when actually all you lost was a bit of water and some times muscle mass. So to actually LOOSE weight permanently one really needs to eat healthy, have a variety of foods and up your exercise permanently! However once you are a little under your Goal Weight you can start to add more calorie higher foods like cheese or bread to the low calorie diet, to ease your body back into a higher calorie but still keeping the healthy habits.

I have to admit though I am not terribly good about this ... I tend towards the all or nothing so either its healthy low cal or way too much of the other stuff. Though I must say I do still try to at least have my wonderful organically grown vegetables from my garden at least twice per day (even when I am binge eating).

*sigh* oh well let's see how it goes I am feeling pretty positive and far more in control again. Even though this weight loss was over my period ... I do still feel a bit bloated and it's taking a while still to get my energy levels back up.

Anyhow ... happy spring to me! My body rocks, I am grateful that it has given me this little boost of self confidence to get me started back on CRON and healthy eating.

Creeping up on me

Not sure if any one actually reads here but ANYHOOOO here is an update and long in the coming.

My out of control eating habits have eventually caught up with me *sigh* and I have started CRON more stringently and have made promises to myself to keep up with it this time around. No off days, no well perhaps tomorrow days, every day is a CRON day!

Considering the copious amounts of food and calories I have been consuming I have 2-3 kg's (4.4 - 6.6pounds) to loose to get back to the point where I feel comfortable again in my own skin. Right now I feel like a tub-o-lard. I can simply not even imagine that I EVER weighed 5-7 kg's (11 - 15.4 pounds) more than I currently weigh OMG that is just shocking.

So *gulp* as of this morning I weigh in at 44.2 kg's (97.2 pounds). Howly crap how did that happen? I am almost back where I started in March.

This is definitely not water weight or "one of those days" because the new clothes I bought for my new body are now fairly tight on me ... so this is FAT .... not muscle because I have NOT been exercising this is simply put 2.5kg's (5 pounds) of FAT and it needs to go.

The Vicious cycle

The cycles that our body plays on us I have found is determined by weather. Warm weather means your body almost craves low fat, low sugar foods ... cold weather means your body craves high calorie "comfort" food. The cycle of summer and winter and the cycle of lean and *cough* padded. It is the body's natural rhythm of things, the way the body keeps it's self warm and "hibernates" ... we are less active on cold days and the body stores food during this cycle.

When the weather warms up it is time to be active, hunt and gather, the body needs to go into the lean and muscular phase where it is fit and strong.

Breaking the cycle of hibernation is a hard one ... we as humans have evolved into a rather lazy creature that has every thing on hand ... we no longer hunt and gather, we whip out a credit card and shop on line. We no longer use our bodies for the purpose intended, we use machines to mass produce our goods. We no longer sustain farm and we no long have a need to ride horses or run for miles to meet basic needs. For this we have developed into some thing our minds don't understand.

Many of us wish to be thin ... yet the cycle of hibernation can never be broken. We are simply too lazy to even walk down to the local shop.

If we listen to our bodies ... really listen to what it tells us and discipline it when it gets a little crazy, have the self discipline and ability to say "NO" occasionally, try to use our bodies in a more active way, we could all be turning the table on the fat cycle.

The wobbely CRON

I have to admit that I wobble when it comes to CRON ... I don't think it is at all possible to stick to such a stringent eating plan ones entire life. So as a compromise I have given myself permission to eat "bad" over week ends and "healthy" during the week.

I have always kind of stuck to this theory, my entire life and it seems to have worked out quite well for me.

My weight still hovers around the 42.8 - 43.5kg (94.2 - 95.7 pounds) mark. I would like to get back below 42kg's (92 pounds) but to be honest hubby LOVES my body the way it is now ... I have BOOBS!!! HA!

I have always found though that once summer comes along I naturally drop a kg or two so it will be interesting to see what happens this year with my lower weight. I have also found a correlation between the craving for chocolate and cold weather. My will power simply fades as soon as it starts raining LOL. I think the main thing is just keeping a check on my weight and simply just NOT letting it get above say 43.5kg's which I seem to have been pretty successful at doing this winter.

Funny enough though as soon as the sun comes out I crave exercise, fruit and salad! Bring on summer please ...

Zighausted

I am working too hard ... that's about all I can say.

Weight as of this morning 42.8kg's (94.2 pounds) ... I am trying to stick to a healthy CRON diet.

I fell over the other day and ate an entire cake ... the entire THING ... shocking, also I had a few glasses of wine. A few too many glasses of wine on a few too many days.

Some times this "thin thing" can be a little annoying but with all my "badness" my poor body has seemed to cope ... god bless it's little cotton socks. However I can certainly feel when I have been eating badly and when I get back to healthy eating again, goodness what a difference.

I have just assisted a friend by drawing up a calendar & eating plan for a month. I hope it works for her but I don't know if she has the discipline ... so I tried to make it into a bit of a competition with her ... she is rather competitive. I just don't know how much of a competition it is when she has 20kg's (44 pounds) to loose and I only have 2kg's (4.4 pounds) ... hmmmm

OK ... back to work I go.

Breaking the habbit

I am day 3 into the "back to CRON" seriously. I have already parted company with 1 pound ... obviously water weight but still I am already feeling so much better. Again my night sweating has totally stopped, I feel lighter and have more energy.

Chocolate and I have parted company, I think this has been my biggest issue quite frankly, I became a chocoholic over the past weeks. Breaking this habit has been harder than giving up alcohol LOL. I am being strong, I know only 3 days but I have the will power ... well at least I think I do hahaha! The motivation right now is not waking up with drenched bed sheets and of course that feeling of funk that comes in it's wake. I have not really had a craving for chocolate yet.

I still have "issues" surrounding food. I have no problem not eating but once I start I simply cannot stop. I think this has to be addressed and I have no idea why this huge appetite / compulsive "over eating" is an issue. Again this is another cause of the night sweating and feeling of lethargy. Once I go into huge amounts of calories during the day my body tries to cope by over heating at night.

Right now I am feeling a lot better 42.8kg's (94.2 pounds) and counting down. I think I could nail it back to 41kg's (90 pounds) in 4 weeks ... then I start all over again trying to find a balance to maintain.

Ohhhhh so thats why

That time of the month arrived ... it always comes as a bit of a surprise, as I am so irregular and don't use contraceptives.

Again this is a very good reason for the weight gain, a little water retention, chocolate cravings and a general feeling of funk HA! So although I have been pretty good keeping my calories around 1500 my weight has remained stubbornly at 43.2kgs (95pounds). I think it should go much better after as I usually loose my gigantic appetite and cravings.

So I guess technically the diet starts on Monday ... well the serious "I have to get rid of the flab". I hope too that I will get more exercise in. I really really want to turn the flab back into muscle. So far I have managed a fair amount of Tennis on the Wii so that has been good. I really want to start walking again in the mornings. Although the weather has been pretty good the flu is threatening a re-run. I have been taking my multi-vits, drinking loads of water and I got some extra sleep this morning. I usually sleep 6 hours a night but managed 8 which I think my body really needed.

It astounds me how quickly ones body can loose it's shape with out working on it constantly. Just a tiny little break and I feel like crap!

Back to CRON

After a very busy and very food filled week end I started the week at 43.8kg's (96.4pounds) ... shocking I know, this is almost the weight I was when I started this blog 4 months ago. I have been doing a higher calorie CRON (around 1500 calories) since Monday and today I am down to 43.2kgh's (95 pounds). It seems the past two months of not doing CRON have really caught up with me and I have obviously been eating in the 3000 calorie per day region and with no exercise, I am going to have to work pretty damn hard over the next few weeks to drop these 2kg's and get back to my "happy" weight of 41kg's (90 pounds).

Next week I will lower my calorie intake to around 1000 as I don't want to shock my body too drastically this week after such a high intake. I am working on around a loss of 1.5-2 kg's over the next 4-6 weeks. That works out to around 500grams (1 pound) per week. This time line is really dependant on how the "fat" I have gained has been stored. It took me 2 months to get back up to this weight so my body has gradually been storing excess fat. I also hope to start working out again, to try to turn some of this fat back into muscle. My exercise regime has really fallen flat and I can see my muscle deterioration.

The thing is if I don't start working on it NOW I will have a whole lot more weight to loose down the line. This is really the only way to STAY thin ... keeping a check on ones weight and taking action before it becomes impossible to budge.

Oh dear

Howly heck I got on the scale this morning and I am up to 43kg's (94.6 pounds) ... I near fell over with fright. I have not been this high in weight for months and I can certainly feel it.

It has been really miserable weather this side with storm after storm being pushed in by cold fronts. It has been raining incessantly and really cold. So I blame the weather for my weight gain ... hmmmm hot chocolate, hmmmm nice warm buttery bread, hmmmmm chocolate, hmmmmm fried chicken, hmmmmm nice warm cuddly blanky, I don't want to exercise ... see what I mean?

So after gosh it has been like 2 months or some thing since I really worked on my body or CRON. I was just coasting, just doing enough but obviously NOT enough! I think it is high time I took back my control and got my mind back into shape. I can see the flab creeping up on me! If I don't take action now I could end up looking like a blimp in a few months and then it will be summer.

Happy Hubby

This morning I weighed myself and I am 42 (92.4 pounds) ... which is normal for a week end ... I have also not really been too careful with the restricting or anything like that. Anyhow Hubby was in our change room when I weighed myself and exclaimed that 42 was a good weight for me and that I look really good now. So even though I am pretty much still at my "new" normal weight my body has obviously settled into it well. I do still keep a watch on it and like to make sure that I stick to 42 on week ends and drop back down to around 41 (90.2) during the week. It is also possible that as it is winter and we are doing less exercise that the muscle has slowly turned into fat so although I weigh the same I look "fatter" LOL. I cannot wait for summer!

On some thing completely different, we have a huge hole in our roof and it is pouring with rain. We had a storm last night/early morning and our chimney fell over hahahaha. So today will be spent emptying buckets and changing towels ... what a lovely lazy Sunday.

Things I have learned from CRON

1. Learn to "know what to eat" figure out what foods have lower calories and eat bulk rather than energy. Drink water rather than eat ... keep your vitamins & minerals up but keep your calories lower. Try to keep a balance between Protein, Carbs & fat.
2.. What you put in needs to be "gotten rid of" HOWEVER you need to put "in" to feel motivated to "put out". What I mean by this is that I have learned that you actually need to eat to feel energetic. Feeling energetic makes you more active, you are more active so you burn more calories so you loose weight. Eating lower calorie for a while is great, it actually gives you more energy but at some point you need to start giving back to your body as you build more muscle (by being more active) your body uses more calories to "maintain" itself.
3. When you get your "energy boost" go with it and actually "get more active" ... you WILL build lean muscle which you need to burn off calories. When you are more active you think less about food and have less time to eat so you loose weight.
4. Your weight WILL fluctuate by around 2kg's ... mine fluctuates between 40.5-43kg's ... get used to it. On the days that you are at your "high" weight cut back slightly, you will more than likely be in the "high energy phase", but keep up your activity. Your weight will de-crease and you will go into a lower energy level ... this is my low weight moment and I feed my body up again but try to maintain my energy level ... this means I continuously build muscle which means that my body requires more food to "maintain" my weights.
5. There are times that at 40kg's I have needed to eat up to 3000 calories per day just to start a bit of an energy build up again. You can then start to utilise this drop, gain, drop lower to eventually get to your goal while slowly building up your calorie intake to points where most people sit "gob smacked" that I eat so much at such a low weight.
6. Most people now think that I only eat in front of them ... not really true but yes in some ways. When I am NOT around people I don't really feel motivated to eat any more, I don’t have time, I have too much energy and actually have way too many things on the go as I have built up the energy now to do so much more with the "fuel" I am having to put in to maintain my energy levels. Some thing I have noticed often when one tries to loose weight too fast ones body literally shuts down and all you want to do is sleep. By doing things this way around one builds up energy levels. I have less time to sleep as I have so much energy I have become hyperactive.
7. I now work on daily weight VS how active I have been. So basically if my weight drops too much I literally have to force myself and take time out of my now incredibly busy life to think about food and eat for a few days. I have gotten so used to eating low cal that I slip into automatically it as it is just so much easier and faster to prepare a salad than cook an entire meal.
8. Most of the time I have to now eat higher calorie food to try to increase my calories to enable me to keep up my energy levels. I DO however try my best to keep every thing balanced and only resort to high calorie items once per day as a treat for working hard.
9. As always my weight after a week end is higher (around 42-43kg's) than at the end of the week(40-42kg's). I seem to have gotten into the routine of high energy during the week matched with lower calorie food but on week ends I seem to eat a little more and thus pick up.
10. Stress is an absolute killer of fat ... the more energy I have the more I have taken on the more stressed I am, the less I sleep, the more hours in the day the more I can take on ... the cycle of fat burning is incredible.

Much better

Yop I am feeling better, still have the tail end of a cough but it's pretty much over.

Well the weight is still holding firm at 41.5kg's ... and I am still eating like a horse. Most people sit there slack jawed as I shovel in seconds on main and then dessert and usually a second helping of dessert too. Not sure why this is that I can eat so much and yet still hold my weight. I guess even when I am not doing CRON I still in a way do it by eating loads of fruit & veg most of the time ... so I am now so used to eating huge amounts that when I eat "normal" food, one small bowl just doesn't do it for me. I guess I should watch that LOL but by keeping an eye on my weight I can tell when I have had a bit too much and then it is back to the fruit & veg for a day or two, seems to work.

A lot of people have commented that I am looking a whole lot more healthy ... I think it took my body a while to settle into the lower weight.

I have started on a vegetable garden WHOOO HOOO! I am rather excited about producing my own organic veggies and will keep you all updated on how it progresses. I have noticed a lot of the CRON people end up planting their own vegetables eventually and it seems this was the natural progress. I am truly excited about this. No more wasted food in my fridge that the rabbit ends up getting.

I am also very keen to get a worm farm and will let you know how that goes.

Sick

It was inevitable that the winter flu would eventually catch up with me.

I was in bed Sunday & Monday but up on Tuesday. I think I got out of bed a little too soon as this flu has had the majority of people flat on their backs for a week at a time and others are still suffering a month down the line. I still have the remnants of a cough and I feel very fuzzy headed with minimal energy. I just feel like sleeping but I am up and about and getting on with things.

Eating has been OK ... I have been holding my weight now for quite a while and am pretty happy with that. However with this incessant cold and rain that we have been having I have to admit I have been eating a lot more while doing minimal exercise (damn flu & rain). I have been hovering at the 41.5kg (91.3 pounds) which I think is OK ... I prefer to be just under 41 but I think I will leave it now until spring as it is just far too cold to be such a low weight. My clothes all fit nicely at this weight. I have been struggling with cravings for Chocolate for some reason. I have never really been a huge chocolate person but have found it increasingly hard to resist grabbing a slab every time I go shopping.

Today is an absolutely beautiful day though with clear skies albeit still bloody cold, the first with out rain for almost 2 weeks. I just hope it holds for a few days. I have so much washing to get dry I cannot see the spare bed.