The struggle

The struggle continues ... down to 43kg's then back up to 44.5kg's ... I guess you could say I am stable and probably at a reasonably healthy weight right?

BUT ... it's not good enough for me. I don't like it.

The temptation to just NOT eat is so fierce. If I just DON'T eat then there is little to worry about hey?

Because I simply cannot be trusted around food ... I just don't have the will power any more.

I hate food, I hate eating, I hate shopping, I hate my inability to control myself.

*sigh*

Strange things

I am not sure why I am STILL struggling to get under 44kg's (96.8 pounds) ... I just drop down under it and then voops I am back up a day or two later.

I know it is my inability to control myself and my appetite and cravings.

I am so seriously struggling some times I feel totally deflated. I think back to how "easy" it was to drop down earlier this year to 88 pounds and wonder how the heck I did it now.

I also wonder what on earth possessed me to pick up as much weight as I have. If I could just have managed to maintain at 42kg's, I would not be feeling like this.

I think a lot has to do with my emotions at the moment ... I am in a happy space, very content. My severe weight loss was due to going through a stressful and emotional time. Now that all is calm my eating habits are just down right out of control.

I find the control for a day or two and then it slips from my grasp.

Again I am having very little time for exercise which I don't think is helping matters much.

Hungry

Oi ... this week has been terrible ... the week-end obviously messed me up terribly.

I am back up to 44.2kg's and feeling horrid again. I NEED to get back down to under 43 by next week Wednesday so it is back to fruit & salads and a strict routine.

I HAVE to get back down under 42 by the end of November. I hate how I feel at the moment, it feels like I am wearing an extra layer of clothing all the time, even when I am nekkid.

So the resolve and strength starts again. I have not been meditating or exercising as much as I should and I have not managed my yoga since last week. I have been really busy with work and just not getting my head around actual work.

I feel like I have a brick in my stomach again as I have been eating biscuits and chocolate for the past few days *sigh*

Well that's over now ... I need to get the brick out of my tummy :)

The week-end

I was looking at photo's of me back in May at around 41 kg's ... I have to agree with my husband, I was really looking a bit too thin. I do feel 42kg's however was perfect so my aim is to get to around 42 with the scope to move between 42-43kg's. I think that is a reasonable weight, thin but not over the top too thin.

This w/end was a disaster!!!

Lunch out on Sunday was not too bad ... we all had the chili-chocolate pot which is essentially about 50g Chocolate syrup (like Herchies) with a bit of espresso & chilli's added. All in all not over the top in calories. However even though I had a Greek salad starter & muscles/squid in tomato sauce there was a lot of olive oil added to every thing. BUT it was not a bad day over all.

HOWEVER on the Saturday I went to a wake ... that was a total disaster, platters of yummy food *great big sigh* and I could not resist!!! The chocolate cheese cake was just incredible. I left feeling totally stuffed.

The scale was not a pretty sight yesterday or for that matter today. I am back over 43.

We went out for lunch today and I was pretty good - no dessert ahhhh my self control was impressive.

I am finding though that things are going quite well these past two weeks back on CRON. Yes, a few cringe worthy days, but all in all not bad. I am quite proud of myself and I am sure if I keep up the healthy eating & exercise I should get back under 43 again by the end of the week and down closer to 42 by mid November.

Shopping

I went shopping yesterday for T-shirts ... I got some really nice tight fitting ones, all Organic cotton and really comfortable.

Our spring as usual is windy and not exactly warm but I don't really have any T-shirts that fit me and they look so good with my skinny jeans so hopefully I will soon be able to wear them with out jumpers over.

My weight is looking good and I am feeling incredibly positive at 42.8kg's / 94.2pounds this morning ... I am looking forward to seeing 42kg's again though. And there it will stop ... I don't really want to go below 42 again. People start to complain (rolls eyes).

We have lunch tomorrow with family at a greek restuarant so this should be a good test of my will power ... can I say no to dessert?

I hope so, I am feeling so good and 42 is just in my grasp again after 2 weeks of good eating, there is no point in ruining it now.

One step at a time

Things are still up and down really but getting much better.

I am down to 43kg's / 94.6 pounds which I think is a good slow weight loss over all and considering there have been a few stumblers for me.

What I am most happy about is that I am back to 3 meals a day and keeping it pretty healthy. For the first time in months we went out for lunch yesterday and I had the will power to say no to dessert.

My body is looking good again and I am starting to feel comfortable in my skin.

My husband has asked me not to drop below 42kg's / 92.4 pounds so I guess technically speaking I only have 1kg to loose.

The problem I find is then maintaining ... I usually drop below and then struggle to get back up. It becomes a roller coaster ride of not finding a balance.

Here is hoping I can find a balance to maintain at 42 ... when I get there of course LOL.

Going ... going .... (waiting for the gone!)

Well blow me down with a feather, I am 42.6 kg's this morning.

Just a few days back on CRON and such a quick weight loss?

Such a struggle for 3 months to get my eating back under control and my body kindly rewards me for my healthy eating and exercise regime again by rewarding me on the scale.

OK I do know this is simply just a "trick" because you cannot possibly loose fat so quickly. I know that I need to continue this for a good few weeks before we get back to my clothes fitting better again.

Which brings me to the quick fix fast diets that do the rounds usually in Spring / early summer. Most people loose a few pounds with a healthy or some times not so healthy diet and then think *whoot* I can go back to eating just the way I did.

And what happens? Voila in just a few short days / weeks they pick it all back up again. That is simply because the scale has a way of tricking you into thinking that you lost the weight when actually all you lost was a bit of water and some times muscle mass. So to actually LOOSE weight permanently one really needs to eat healthy, have a variety of foods and up your exercise permanently! However once you are a little under your Goal Weight you can start to add more calorie higher foods like cheese or bread to the low calorie diet, to ease your body back into a higher calorie but still keeping the healthy habits.

I have to admit though I am not terribly good about this ... I tend towards the all or nothing so either its healthy low cal or way too much of the other stuff. Though I must say I do still try to at least have my wonderful organically grown vegetables from my garden at least twice per day (even when I am binge eating).

*sigh* oh well let's see how it goes I am feeling pretty positive and far more in control again. Even though this weight loss was over my period ... I do still feel a bit bloated and it's taking a while still to get my energy levels back up.

Anyhow ... happy spring to me! My body rocks, I am grateful that it has given me this little boost of self confidence to get me started back on CRON and healthy eating.