Where to sugar?

After struggling with binge / purge / restricting ways from the age of 14 and into my teens I eventually found an even keel and put my Eating disorder on the back burner opting for a more "healthy" view of food and exercise. My weight stabilised. I have been a restricter of sorts since then and I have kept an eagle eye on my weight. Though my weight was much higher than it is presently around the 100 - 110 pounds (45-50kg's) mark which is fairly slim but not exactly skinny for my height. Then again I never really was skinny ... no one ever knew of my strange relationship with food because outwardly I was normal ... inside the monster seethed.

My Ed never really left me ... it simmered gently at the back of my mind. I open a chocolate and a voice whispers in my ear ... "Is that really necessary? What will you weigh tomorrow for eating that?" However for a good number of years the monster has been quelled, quietly sleeping.

So why has he woken up again?

Not too sure really. For Christmas we got a Nintendo Wii and my husband and I have been playing for a minimum of one hour pretty much every single day. I dropped a bit of weight, my muscle development has been amazing. I started feeling really really good ...

I have been a pretty heavy white wine drinker for about 6 years now ... when I say heavy I mean REALLY heavy ... more than a bottle of wine per day. I am not a very nice person when I get drunk, I get very nasty and hubby and I have had some serious fights ... especially in the past year or so. I have flirted with giving up drinking but it has never really stuck. Things have been getting worse and worse between us and I hate myself for this. After a particularly bad fight I went cold turkey on the alcohol ...

About 2 months ago I got a very bad tummy bug. I could not eat anything for a few days, could not even get out of bed. Hubby bundled me up and took me to the doctor and I was prescribed anti-biotic and of course no alcohol. I loved the care and concern my husband was giving me while I was ill. I lost more weight ... I was now down to around 100 pounds (45kg's).

Between the alcohol induced fighting with my hubby, the illness, the eventual stopping the alcohol and a few other factors I went through a patch of really really bad depression .... my ugly monster woke up, I was out of control and he came back to help me regain it in the only way I knew how. I started fasting ... starving myself for a few days then I would binge, then I would feel bad and purge ahhh the fickle idea of the monster being in control. I was down to around 98 pounds (44kg's) and I was in a very dark pit.

I loved the weight loss, my body was looking good but my mind was in a bad space, the starving was causing really bad mood swings making things even worse. I needed a solution and I needed to take control of the monster.

Thanks Google ... I owe you my life. My searching brought me to the CRON website via an ex-anorexic. I had found a way to give my body what it needed and still loose weight. I had found my solution and a way to channel my energy in a more positive way. My addiction for alcohol has now been put to good use and I now calorie count. A light appeared at the end of the tunnel and although I am still loosing weight I have never been healthier, fitter or happier.

I have found my solution, I have my addiction, I have my control and I am now trying to balance it all out.

Introduction

I have started this blog as a diary for myself. I am working things out, trying to find a balance and I think writing my story will help me.



Introduction: My name is Leela (pseudo name of course) I have had issues surrounding weight and eating since I can remember.



Lets start with my current statistics then we can move swiftly on:



Current Weight: 43kg's = 94.6 pounds

Height: 1.57m = 5'2

Goal weight: 41kg's = 90.2 pounds

Highest weight: 50kg's = 110 pounds

Lowest weight: current weight

Age: 34 on 29 April

BMI: 17.3

Body Fat: 11.6



I have had issues with anorexia & bulimia over the past 20 years. I have been a calorie restrict'er all my life, some times more obsessive than other times. I do not plan this blog to be any kind of tool to anorexics or bulimics, this is not my intention however it is part of who I am and I am guessing will centre a lot around this subject. I do NOT advocate / endorse / encourage these diseases however I am trying to find a balance for myself and this is what this blog is all about.



I am married and do not have children. I have two sisters and a mom ... all severely over weight. My husband is thin with a BMI of 18.5 ... he can eat anything even at 38 years old *sigh*.



I have recently found the CRON way of life and have found this to be a light at the end of the tunnel. For me this is a way to channel my obsession with food, calorie counting, scale watching and general addictive behaviour. I have never been healthier, fitter, or happier with my body as I am right now thanks to this. I have recently come to believe that one can be an anorexic and still be healthy and I hope that with this blog I can share my experience.



I am also an alcoholic. I have recently gone cold turkey and given up alcohol ... not only for my health and good grief the calories in that stuff but also because I get very nasty when I drink, my poor husband gets the brunt of it so to loose weight and save my marriage I divorced the bottle.



Unlike most eating disorder "book cases" I have never been sexually abused.



Please note I would not classify myself as an anorexic though. I have never been diagnosed or treated for any eating disorder. I do recommend that if you think you have an eating disorder that you talk to some one about it and find the necessary help.